177

                One hundred and seventy-seven. That’s how many videos I’ve uploaded in the past year. That’s right, it’s been a year since I began to make regular uploads and share the more intimate aspects of my life with the wider world.

One year of filming my daily life.

One year of challenge videos.

One year of discussing serious issues.

One year of making bad puns.

One year of baring my soul.

And what a year it’s been. I’m going to talk about the changes that have happened, and the impact on my life, but first a thank you. I want to thank everyone who has watched my videos. I want to thank everyone who has read my blog. I want to think everyone who has sent me questions for my Q&A’s. I want to thank Tooch for giving me the topic of the one and only “Choose your vlog” video. I want to thank Matt for igniting the spark. And lastly, I want to thank my friends and family for putting up with my filming and the incessant talking to myself.

I wish I could say that this has been easy, that the filming came naturally, and that I was never afraid to be honest in a video. The truth is, it’s been so hard. Every time I’ve uploaded I’ve been scared. What if people hate it? What if people hate me? Every time I’ve discussed my asexuality I’ve been worried that the wrong people will see the videos and judge me. Every time I swore I was worried my family would see it and tell me to watch my language (the main reason there’s no footage of me playing Mario Kart).

As I filmed myself I became more confident (something I hear that pornstars also experience, so I’m in good company). When I was a teenager I hated my voice. As I aged, the hate calmed into a disliking, but once I began listening to myself speak on a regular basis I came to like my voice. As I discussed more things that were/are important to me, I grew more confident in them. I wasn’t ashamed of my hobbies once I started filming them. I wasn’t worried that people would think less of me for liking Star Trek, reading comics, or playing Pokémon.

I have been filming myself for a year now, and I don’t regret it. The only things I really regret are the days when I don’t film due to some outside factor. The days and weeks that go by without uploads don’t happen because I don’t want to film or edit, but simply because, for some reason, I cannot. The reasons range from the personal to the professional. I wish I could still be daily vlogging, and I will be actively trying to start that again, but there are times in life (especially when one isn’t rich) when daily uploads are just not feasible.

                But I have 177 vlogs, challenge videos, news videos, and rants that the entire world can watch.

There are 177 different adventures, 177 short movies that I have made. And I am proud of them and of myself. Here’s to the next year, and the next 177+ videos.

                Hopefully I’ll still be advertiser friendly (YouTube inside joke). 

Firsts

        The first real video for Weekly Queer News went up this weekend!  A day after it was supposed to... YouTube has been hating me lately for some reason, and keeps stopping my uploads at 71%. I thought I had the problem fixed, and set the video to upload and publish automatically before I headed to my parent's for the weekend. Unfortunately, I did not have the problem solved, and the video didn't upload. But I got it to work last night! And today's vlog went up on time, so maybe the problem is fixed now?
        I feel like WQN will get emotionally draining some weeks, there are so many sad stories out there, and it's hard to find the uplifting ones sometimes. I am going to try to end each episode with some happy news though! Something uplifting, or just not horrible?
       I feel like I shouldn't just post another short story, but I honestly don't have anything to talk about today. It's like it's Monday or something weird like that. I know what I need to write, but I'm not ready to write that yet. Soon, maybe this week even. But not today. It was my first weekend without her. Every time the wind moved a door, I thought it was her coming to say hello. Every noise I couldn't place was just her pushing something out of her way. But it wasn't her, and that's all I'm going to say today.
        Save the rest Zak, not today, not while you're at work. It's okay, it's okay. Okay. Okay. Moving on.
        After all is said and done, all we have is movement.  

One Day

      You know what's hard? Writing a blog everyday while filming and editing, running social media accounts, and working all by yourself. I enjoy it all, which is why I do all of it, but sometimes I feel like I let one or more things slide in favour of another. For example, I put way more effort into my twitter than I do into my Instagram or Facebook. Twitter is the one where I have my largest following, but if I don't give as much focus to my other accounts they won't grow. And if they don't grow, my overall audience won't grow. You see my problem, I'm sure.
       And now that I have a second channel (WQN, pay attention), it just adds another layer to it. I should be starting up at least a second Facebook page for it, but I'm holding off on that simply because I don't want to have another account to run. Ugh. I knew this was going to be a lot of work when I was getting into it. I knew it was going to eat up huge chunks of my time. And I know that if I want to succeed, I have to go 100% in. But I'm holding myself back because there's a little voice in my head that I always listen to that tells me I'll fail. I listened to it when I was going to pursue acting (I've won awards at the provincial level), I listened to it when I had chances to pursue my dreams in Europe, and I've listened to it when it came to my writing. And I'm listening to it right now, as I hold myself back from going fully into this.
     The thought of giving 100% into something that isn't a sure thing is frightening. The fear of failure is a constant specter that hovers over me, influencing and casting shadows over all my decisions. There is a part of me that knows I can succeed, that knows I will succeed--if I could ever pull myself from these phantasms of doubt and give my all.
      One day. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's always "one day", never today. As long as I keep telling myself "one day", I never have to hold myself to it because "one day" just hasn't happened yet. It still will, one day. Maybe I have to stop telling myself "one day", and start telling myself "today". Today is scary though. Telling myself to make those changes today incurs a risk of failure--a risk that one day doesn't have.
      So is today the day that I tell myself "today"? I don't know. Got a lot to do today. I have to film and edit for the vlog. I have research, write a basic script, film, and edit for WQN. I have to eat at some point. I have to pack to head home. I'll always have things that I have to do, that I can conveniently use as an excuse to not say "today". Oh, how I wish I had the courage and confidence to say "today". To say "fuck it" and go 100% into this.
      Maybe one day I will.  

state of hate

     While writing these blogs, a lot goes through my head. I wonder if people are actually going to read them, I wonder if people are going to send me mean messages, I wonder if I'm actually writing because I want to or out of obligation. To be honest, right now feels like I'm doing it out of obligation. I'm trying to keep myself occupied. Trying to keep my brain distracted.
      Lets talk about mean comments. I am in the process of creating an online persona. A known one. I have videos that have a fair amount of views, and I have videos with almost zero views. Same with my blog posts and all my other social media. I don't have a massive following yet. I haven't attracted the ire of the biggest assholes on the internet yet. But I'm getting big enough for the little trolls, the troll-lings (trollings?), to take notice of me. Every time I post something that has an activist angle I know I'm putting myself in someone's crosshairs. The internet can be a scary and dark place, I know all that.
      I have received a fair amount of hate online. I've been called a "liberal pussy", a coward, a traitor, an idiot, and worse for my support of the Syrian refugees. And I was called some of those things by close family friends. Honestly, the one that hurt the most was being called a traitor to Canada, simply because I wanted to help people. Which, btw, is what Canada is known for! I endured a lot of hate for supporting the refugees, but I would gladly do all of that again. That hate wasn't random. It was directed at me because I disagreed with some people on some moral issues. I've been called slurs for supporting LGBTQIA+ issues multiple times. Fun story, an American tried insulting my intelligence based on the fact that Canadians call refrigerators, fridge for short (which if you do a google search, most of the world does). Apparently in this person's state they call them "friges", which Google tells me isn't an actual word at all, and therefore that should be the proper term for the entire planet.
      Then the random hate started coming in. The hate that didn't make sense. I started getting hateful comments on my normal vlogs. I was being called homophobic slurs (I'm not gay, I'm not straight, but I'm not gay) on vlogs that were about me driving home, or going to buy milk. I found them odd and random, and would just delete them, I didn't bother reporting them to YouTube, they weren't hurting me and they weren't from the same people. But all of a sudden the hateful messages were coming from the same person. They weren't constant or consistent, so I just deleted them as usual. And then I got this one yesterday; warning, the language is horrifying: "kill yourself faggot nigger bitch". To say I was surprised by this comment is an understatement. It was on yesterday's vlog, the first one since Phantom passed away, it was sort of short, but there wasn't really any substance to it. The only point to this comment was to cause pain. I was shocked by the comment, I wasn't really hurt by it, but I was shocked that someone was telling me to go and kill myself. That was the first comment that I reported to YouTube, and this person is the first person I've blocked from commenting. I made light of the comment on Twitter, but I shouldn't have. Words like that can have a massive impact on someone's life. Where I am right now in my life, one person saying that to me didn't really have a quantifiable effect on me. If there had been a whole host of people, that would be a different story.
      I know people that have quit creating because of internet trolls. I know people who have locked themselves up because of internet trolls. I know people who have lost loved ones because of it. We have this amazing place, the internet, where we can uplift people and inspire others, but so many people use it for bad--no, evil, purposes. I always try and believe in humanity. I always say that humanity can be better, and I still do. But there are days where my belief is tested, and there are days when I don't know why I hold onto it. I hear people saying that the Earth is due for another flood (biblically speaking), and some days I have a hard time disagreeing.
       Humanity, what a bunch of assholes










sometimes.  

Standing Together

       Humanity sucks sometimes. It really does. Just look at the past couple months. Hell, just look at yesterday! But I'm not talking about big gestures of humanity's ability to be terrible, I'm talking about the small moments that hurt my heart far more than the big things do. I believe humanity can become better. I believe we can move past all this, but until that happens, my heart will continue to break every day.
      You may be asking what brought this on, and that is a valid question. Today I found out about a youtuber by the name of TommyNC2010. He has autism, and he started making videos because he wanted to entertain people and bring some joy and happiness into the world. Those are admirable goals. Then another youtuber, a bigger one by the name of leafyishere, found Tommy's channel and decided to make fun of it and him. In the video leafy called Tommy names and mocked him. Soon after the video came out Tommy, and his family, began receiving death threats from leafy's fans. Tommy released an absolutely heartbreaking video of him in tears explaining that he had no idea what was going on, but that he was scared for his life and his family because of this. Leafy has since taken down his video attacking Tommy, saying he didn't know all the details like the fact that Tommy is autistic. A lot of big tubers have come out in defense of Tommy, including Philip DeFranco (who also started supporting Tommy through Patreon and urged his fans to do the same), and Tommy has gained almost 100 000 subscribers since this happened.
       Honestly, it shouldn't matter that Tommy has autism. Leafy has made his following from attacking other people on YouTube. Scrolling through his videos, you find attack after attack. He claims that it's all satire, but real satire doesn't lead to the people you're mocking receiving fucking death threats! Leafy has made his entire subscriber base off of hate and straight up bullying. So what he feels bad this time just because it turned out that Tommy has autism. How many of the other people he mocked were dealing with shit? How many of those other people, who may have been getting death threats, were depressed before leafy decided he needed a few more views?
      In our modern society it is far easier to make a career of mocking people than it is to make one of uplifting people, and that's absolutely terrifying. This mindset has created a society where Donald Drumpf is a serious contender for the presidency. This mindset has created a society where people like leafy can make a career off of mocking other people simply because they're different, or don't fit his particular paradigm of life. A society where people like Tommy who are just trying to make other people smile receive death threats for that.
       Tommy, if you ever read this, you are awesome. You keep going strong man! I've watched a few of your videos, and I've subscribed. You are making the world happier and better. We need more people like you right now.


You can find Tommy's channel here: https://goo.gl/ADw72l
and can find his patreon here: www.patreon.com/TommyNC2010

Dreams Come True

      This weekend I filmed a video where I read one of my blog posts, and I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from it, and it has been suggested that I make it into an ongoing series. Once the idea had been suggested to me, the thought of making it a regular feature had never crossed my mind, it made sense. It's a way of promoting this blog and creating quality content at the same time. It will also push me into making better blog posts on a regular basis as I will need good ones to read off. You can find the video here.
       My contract here is almost up (I'm done at the end of the month), and I don't know what my future holds. My first article will be published very soon. Like. In days I will be a professionally published writer. I'm working on my second article, so my writing career is on the right path. Hopefully after this article gets out, I will be able to add more publications to my list, and focus full time on writing. Working freelance in the writing community is possible, but I will need more than one magazine publishing my stuff. Unless my article absolutely blows up and Time magazine buys it and hires me. Buys me a sick apartment in downtown Vancouver. That would be pretty sick. I'd be okay with that. Realistically, that's not gonna happen. What is going to happen is pretty cool though. The entire queer community of one of the largest cities in the prairies is going to know my name. They're going to read the words I wrote. And they'll hopefully like it enough that I get to keep writing for OutWords and move ever closer to the day where writing will be how I make my living.
        I know I keep bringing up how excited I am and all that, but I've never really mentioned how amazing it is that it actually happened. Getting published professionally is hard. I'm not even going to use a descriptor there; it is just straight up hard. Authors spend years and years struggling to get published by anything. They live in poverty, struggling to eat and live as they send submission after submission out just trying to get noticed. Most authors have a huge collection--dozens, hundreds!-- of rejection letters to chronicle their attempts. I have three or four. And two of those were for a poetry contest that I sent the wrong kind of poems to. The fact that I sent OutWords an unsolicited submission and proceeded to start writing for them is insane! I mean, they didn't publish my submission because it's not something that they usually use, but they liked it enough to offer me the chance to write for them.
         I started writing for them, under the condition that my first few articles would be published online only, and would be done pro bono (not paid). I didn't care, I was excited for the prospect of eventually getting published in print by them. I went out and interviewed a bunch of people, and I wrote my article to the best of my abilities, knowing full well that it was just going to be published online, but I still needed to do good. I needed to prove to them that my words would be good enough to be published in print by them one day.
        Apparently I proved that point rather well. I sent in my first draft, not expecting much, just some notes on potential changes, and the like. Instead I got an email back from my editor saying that it was amazing and that nothing would really have to change. And then she asked if I was okay with it being published in print. And, since it was going to be in print, I would be getting paid for it. With zero hesitation, and zero chill if you're so inclined, I said I was totally okay with that.
       This all started with an unsolicited submission that I had forgotten about. From the submission I got a chance to write online content for this magazine. And once they had read this article, they decided to put it in print making me a professional writer. After a minimum of rejection letters, I became a professional writer.
        I had almost given up on the dream of becoming a professional writer. I almost gave up on writing. My depression had started telling me that I wasn't good. That no one would ever want to read my writing. And I listened, and I started to believe. I almost gave up on my dreams when I was at my lowest point. I probably would have, if it wasn't for that submission I forget existed. And now things have switched around completely. My dream has been realized. I haven't published a novel yet, but the possibility of that becoming a reality is much stronger now.
        Dreams can come true. No matter what people are telling you, no matter what you're telling yourself! Your dreams can come true! As long as you are trying to make them happen, they can.

I think this is my longest non-short-story blog post. Huh. You're welcome. 

100 VLOGS

       Short and sweet today.
      My 100th vlog is up. I love it. I think it's beautiful. Thank you to everyone who submitted, you guys are awesome! Without you this wouldn't have been possible. I feel a little like I'm living a dream right now. Thank you all! The whole thing was a wonderful experience. And, no, I did not eat that whole cake. I've been asked a few times about that.
GO WATCH IT! RIGHT HERE: https://youtu.be/Dsqq-G93yPQ

So, yeah...

     Okay. I talk about this in my vlog a little bit (the one that's going up tomorrow (so spoilers, I guess)), but there is a reason that my last few videos haven't been up to even my ridiculously low standards. And, tbh, the self-deprecating humour is actually part of the problem.
      I've been getting to myself lately. I've been getting under my own skin, and tearing myself down. Meaning, basically and unmetaphorically, that the part of me that says "I can't do this" has been louder than the part saying "I got this." That negative voice is always there, whispering in the background, and usually I can keep it quiet. But, mix in being sick and my SAD (which I've been dealing with for years mostly in secret, so... now it's kinda out there), and I just didn't have the willpower to keep that voice down, and it took over. It steered me into giving up. Into not trying. And, even worse, into thinking that those who always have my back weren't actually there for me. I began shutting down and half assing everything that's important to me. Including this blog, which was completely ignored for a few days. Over the past week, I've put out some of my worst vlogs. All the lessons I've learned since starting them, all of the heart and soul I try and inject, all of that was forgotten as I mindlessly put out basic and soulless content.
      I'm on the home stretch to my 100th vlog and I was putting out utter shit like that! I should be creating some of my best right now! Not my worst. I deserve to make better films than that. You deserve to watch better films than that. I make a promise to you in tomorrow's vlog that I will be giving it my all again. That I will be putting the proper effort and heart into my content again. As I caught up on Casey Neistat's vlogs over lunch, I realized that I want to be creating art on his level. I want to inject the amount of passion into my projects that he does. I started doing some multicamera stuff awhile back, then I just stopped. That was because of that voice. I'm planning of filming some of that tonight. I would've already but one of my cameras is dead... apparently I didn't charge it after last time. Timelapses will be coming. "Staged" shots will be coming back. Perhaps I'll even be confident enough to film in an actual store soon! I'm going to start doing more.
        I always allow myself to become content in my depressed state, even though it makes me sad, I don't want to do anything about it. Not anymore. Saying that, I know full well that tomorrow morning may come finding me lacking the strength to get out of bed. I can make these sweeping declarations, but that doesn't make them true. I need to work for them. I need to power through this. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. And I am not alone. I know that I am not.
        Depression is a bitch. It's an angry female dog that will rip your face off and make sure that you don't care that it's happening. That's a little graphic, but I wanted to justify my use of "bitch". It's true though, metaphor that it is. I've been letting stuff slide and fall apart, and I have just watched it with apathy. I looked at the vlogs I put out this past week, knowing deep in my heart that they weren't up to my standards, and just thought, good enough. I looked at the shorter and shorter run times and didn't care. I told myself they were short because I'm boring and didn't have anything to share. In fact, the only reason I kept posting was because part of me wanted to make sure my 100th vlog came out on time still. Even in the depths of my despair, part of me was still trying to make me do more. To be more.
        I am saying to you here and now, and tomorrow in the vlog in a clip that I've already filmed so even though you're seeing it after this it happened first (holy run-on sentence Batman), that I am going to do better. I am going to be putting out the level and quality of content that I should be. I am going to learn from my previous mistakes. I am going to pull myself out of this and stand strong.
       Thank you. All of you. Those of you who have put up with my shifting moods and everything else without knowing the whole truth. Thank you. I love you all.








***Disclaimer I really shouldn't have to put***
I know everyone has that negative voice at the back of their heads, so don't try and belittle what I'm saying with that. This post isn't about everyone, it's about me. 

Filming Future

      I sat down, prepared to write this blog, and then got distracted. No, not by something shiny. Not this time. I got a notification on my phone from Twitter that one of my favourite YouTubers, and one of the few that I've watched since the beginning, had tweeted me! And every thought I had in regards to this post disappeared. Those thoughts still haven't returned. Obviously. OH! You're probably wondering who the person was. Just a little YouTuber by the name of Olga Kay. She later liked one of my tweets as well, so.... we're pretty much married now. You know how it is.
      Honestly, it felt kinda cool that she actually replied. I've had celebrities like my tweets, and I have a ton of verified followers (who doesn't?), but this was cool. I'm trying to get into the YouTube game, and to have someone who has made it so far in that community recognize me? Feels good. Now if only she would do a collaboration with me... Or just subscribe and tell her subs to do that same. Either would work for me.
       Anyways. Lets do an update on the whole YouTube thing! I'm still making videos. I am still looking into editing software, but I want to make the best choice for what I need, so I'm doing lots and lots of research. Plus editing software isn't free. If you have never looked it ranges from $95-$700 in price. So. Lots of research.
       As for filming, I want to start looking into some different equipment. Tripods for different situations, possible lighting, maybe a mic for different situations, game capture for longer and better gaming clips, and, of course, more cameras. All of that stuff is obviously in the future, and will be all separate purchases that happen when the need arises. That list is to basically make myself aware of potential future purchases and things that I may need. And if there's ever a massive sale, I'll know what I may need, and what I won't need. For example, I won't need an iPad. Ever. Or a Mac. Those were terrible examples. I want to stick with point and shoots for now, so I won't need lenses if I ever see those on sale. That was a better example Zak, good on ya.
       The reason for different equipment is to open up new filming techniques, new styles, and even new locations! All the different equipment would allow me to correct more dynamic films and vlogs. A permanent camera person would be great too. Someone who could really nail the dramatic zooms onto my face.Maybe I should make my post for unpaid interns again...
       All of this, from the time and effort to the equipment and money, is a huge investment. It's one that I hope really turns out well. Besides my writing, this is probably the thing I have put the most effort into. If you read my blogs, and enjoy them, why not head over to my channel and give me a watch, and maybe a subscribe!
youtube.com/shran100 

I NEED YOUR HELP

      Okay. My 100th vlog is coming up pretty soon and I want to do something cool to celebrate it. Like hit a million subscribers (brb laughing break), or attain true inner peace and happiness (brb crying break). Crazy pipe dreams aside, I do want to celebrate this significant milestone. I have some semblance of a plan, but I don't think it's enough. I want something BIG. Maybe not physically big, but emotionally. Mentally. Something significant and important. I mean, it's 100 vlogs guys. That is big. It is significant. It means I stuck with something for a long time. And vlogging on a mostly daily basis is not something small. It's time consuming. Setting up shots, going through all of the raw footage to find stuff that's actually good, and then editing and uploading! It's time consuming. Let alone the emotional commitment (took me a solid minute to think of the word "commitment") involved. Everyday I am putting myself out there for the entire world to see. Everyday I am leaving myself open to ridicule and hate. Every video I publish has the ability to destroy my ego. Plus people give you really weird looks in small towns when you whip out a camera to film everyday stuff.
        All that boils down to this: vlogging is hard. Emotionally, mentally, physically. Day in and day out I am putting myself in the cross hairs of the public. Everyday I worry that maybe someone will dislike my videos enough to do something about it. But, vlogging is fun. Everyday I'm challenging myself to do something new. To try something. And everyday I am creating something new, something that had never existed before I created it. And as an artist, that feeling of daily new creation is worth all the risks.
         My 100th vlog is going to be a risk, no different from the others. It will be something new. It will be mine. I want my 100th vlog to be special. My 50th vlog was, my 2015 reflection was, and my 100th will be. That said, I need your help. Yes, that's right: your help is needed. I want you to send me things that you want in my 100th vlog. Pictures of us together, pictures of you by yourself, a poem, a video, questions, a song. Whatever it is, I want it to be special to you, and have a tie to me. Obviously. It's my vlog. Has to do with me somehow. If all goes to plan, my 100th vlog will be going live on March 3rd. That means I will be filming and editing it on the 2nd, so if you're going to submit something, it needs to be before March 2nd.
          I will throw an email address down for you below to submit to, you can also submit stuff at my tumblr, or Facebook. The email isn't my personal one, it's a business one (heh, business). Honestly, I would prefer through email, but any of those will work.


zakitudevlogs.tumblr.com
shran100@gmail.com
facebook.com/zakitudevlogs

Positives in the Negatives

      I turn 26 today. Not a milestone, not a significant anniversary of my birth, just 26. I always feel weird on my birthdays, especially the last few years, like I haven't accomplished anything and that I have this emptiness inside my soul that can be filled by...something.
      This year is different though. I have my channel (on which is being published my first skit today!), I have my writing (which is actually being published and all that fun stuff), and I have my role in the asexuality community. All these things are basically filling that emptiness I used to feel on a regular basis. That said, I am still feeling slightly alone this year. I'm working and staying in the city, so all of my friends and family are an hour and a half to two hours away, which makes driving to celebrate on a Monday, kind of a bad idea. Everyone would be tired, and it would be a pretty short night as we would all need to get ready for work the next morning. And so, for the first time, I am celebrating my birthday with no one. On the actual day, I've got stuff planned this weekend with friends and my sister on Saturday, and my parents on Sunday. It feels odd though. I'm sitting at my desk, on my birthday, with very little to look forward to tonight.
      That said, there is a new episode of The X-Files on tonight, which I never thought would happen again after the series ended (ish) in 2002, so that's nice. And I've got the stuff to make a killer Caesar salad sitting in my fridge waiting for me. So, positives. 

Writing Skits

     So I'm writing a skit. It's been a very long time since I've written a skit, and this the first time that I am writing a skit with the express purpose of filming. It's interesting. Because now I have to think about camera angles, and continuity, and when to switch to other perspectives. It's also very liberating to write one that's made to be filmed, because I don't need an abundance of actors. I literally just need myself. And maybe one other person to help with the camera work.
     I'm enjoying the process. I'm doing it old school--pen and paper!--and it just feels good. I don't want to go into what the skit is about, that's going to be a surprise! It is a comedy! Hopefully my viewers will actually find it humorous as well... You guys think I'm funny right? Seriously. I need to know if you guys think I'm funny. It's for science reasons and totes not my ego.
      If you guys have any ideas for skits, or any other videos you'd like to see, don't hesitate to ask! Unless it's porn. Then you better have some pretty solid arguments lined up before you ask.
      You guys think I'm though right? This is totally about my ego, not science at all... 

Updates on my updates

      I seem to have forgotten to post anything yesterday... My bad. I kinda had a topic lined up and everything.. I was going to talk about how I was filming my 75th vlog, and that it wasn't anything special or groundbreaking because 75 is just a number, and that I was saving the special stuff for my 100th vlog. I mean, I still could talk about that, but it wouldn't feel right. The video is up already, so writing about filming it would just feel hollow. 

      I went on a cleaning binge last night. Felt pretty good. Got pretty much everything cleaned up, except for my dishes, which was especially unfortunate this morning when I realized all of my coffee mugs were in the dishes. Apparently I used all my mugs in two days, which I am both confused and concerned by. That's a lot of caffeine I apparently consumed. 

      I haven't really touched video games for the past couple nights, so I'm hoping to get some game time in tonight before Arrow and editing. Tried playing some GTA the other night, but couldn't connect to the server. Hopefully I can connect tonight and stream it on twitch! Oh yeah, I have a twitch channel! Go check it out, so far I've played Fallout and Battlefront on it, and am hoping to start streaming GTA, Halo, and possible Dragon Age in the near future! I would stream Metal Gear, but I am embarrassingly bad. Chicken hat bad... Anyways. 

      Good solid update, Zak. 

      Thanks. I tried really hard. 

twitch.tv/shran100

Kinda everything

      I'm planning on writing some skits soon. Just some basic, easy to shoot stuff using one or two actors. I have a couple ideas already loosely based on real life thoughts and events, including one on the--wait. Nope, y'all have to wait and see. I'm not going to leak my own ideas online. Goodness. That said, I am super excited to start acting again. It has been far too long since I last acted in any professional or even amateur sense.
      I'm going to start banging out a script tonight hopefully, and start filming later this week! The vlogs won't be set aside for this project, the skits will be done in addition to the vlog.
      I'm pretty happy with the things I've been doing in regards to filming. I filmed my first multi-camera shoot Saturday morning, and I edited it last night. I think it looks pretty sharp. Admittedly, it was of pretty boring subject matter, but I didn't want to try anything too intense for my first time. And yes, that means that all of those tracking shots of me walking from different angles and locations were all filmed with one camera. And with me doing the same things over and over again. Just for the sake of a cool scene. I'm pretty much a real filmmaker guys.
       Actually, I am a real filmmaker, just not a professional one. Yet. I mean, it took thirteen years to become a professional writer. Granted, nine of those years I was in some form of school, and I didn't start actively trying to get published until a few months ago... BUT! I have thirteen years of practice before I started trying to get published. I only have six months practice with filming. I don't know where this paragraph is going. This is what happens when all your blog posts go up without editing or forethought! Yeah! Don't worry, I edit the professional stuff, the blog is just raw though.
       When I was a kid, I always wanted to be on television and in movies, and I still do. With filming and uploading to my channel on a regular basis, I am, in a way, accomplishing that dream in part. I don't have a huge audience in any way, but I am being watched by people all over the globe. It's amazing. I'm going to lie, that first time seeing myself on my friend's tv as he watched my vlog was pretty cool. I was literally seeing myself on somebody's television! In something had been edited! The feeling of accomplishment, however slight, is euphoric.
        I look and see where I am, right at this very moment, and I am amazed. I'm amazed with what I have accomplished in the six months since I've started vlogging. How much my filming techniques have improved, how much my editing has improved, and how much I've improved. I'm in a much better headspace now, and I'm much more confident now than I've been in a long time. I don't think I would've submitted any of my writing to anyone, if I hadn't started vlogging, and I definitely would not have taken my first few rejection letters as well as I did.
       This started off as me talking about skits... Maybe I should start planning these out. Naw. They're going to stay raw. I like em like this. 

Getting back on track

     I am making a concentrated effort to get back on track with my filming. I think I'm getting back into the swing of things.. I'm remembering to film, and I am actually getting a fair amount of footage on a daily basis. That said, I am still not comfortable with filming in stores, or other such public places. It just feels a little awkward. It would probably not feel so weird in larger centres, but I'm not in them. So for now, I will just awkwardly film random bits and pieces of things!
     I'm really enjoying being able to film things other than just driving again. It's nice to have time to do that, and to be able to edit. I actually missed editing on a regular basis! Which apparently is a common thing for vloggers. I want to grow as a filmmaker, and being able to film and edit on a daily basis will help me to grow my skills. I want to start experimenting with my filming, and maybe try some different things with my editing. I really want to set up some multi camera shots, but I keep forgetting my tripod at home, and that kind of limits my options for that.
      This got a little technical. I wasn't planning that. Although, I rarely plan my blogs... So I guess that's to be expected? Hmm. Anywho.
      I'm glad so many of you enjoyed yesterday's post! I really enjoyed writing it, and sharing that news with all of you! It feels really good to say all of that, and I am super glad that I can share it with all of you. The fact that these posts are being read all over the world (literally) is staggering! I always wanted to be read by people from all over, and I am. It's incredible. Simply incredible. Man, I'm thanking you guys a lot lately! Good thing I insult you so much in my vlogs to make up for it!
     Love you all! (seriously, I do. It's amazing that you all put time aside to read these and watch my videos, and I appreciate it so much!)

50 blogs! Yesterday...

     Yesterday was my 50th blog and nobody told me! You all let me post that mess of a blog that is so not going to get me a sponsorship! No, no, I don't wanna hear that I should've known because there's a counter at the top of the page. This is so on all of you. Not me at all. Nope. Noooope.

     Fine. It may have been slightly my fault... Especially the part where I didn't know what to write about in the first place. But! Now that I know I messed up my 50th blog, I do know what to write about! 

    I started this blog as basically a writing exercise for myself.  A way to make sure I was writing something new on a regular basis. Even just random streams of thought like yesterday! Because it all helps in the creative process. Since its inception however, it has grown into something more than that. It has become something that I actually care about. It's become a place where I can speak my mind and share what's important to me. And where I can post really sarcastic stuff that doesn't actually get read... I've been able to write on topics that really matter! And you're reading them! And sharing them! And hopefully enjoying them even! Between this blog and my tumblr my post on Ace Day has been shared almost 1000 times! That's incredible! Because I submitted something that I wrote for my blog, a magazine has asked me to write for them! The previous sentence doesn't quite fit the flow but I don't care! 

      This goes without saying, but none of this would've been possible if it weren't you, my readers. You have guys have read 50 (51) blogs that I've written! Possibly more if you read my older blogs. And you have stuck around! You care about what I'm saying for some strange reason! 

      Thank you all. From the very bottom of my heart. You guys are amazing. 

      Go watch my vlog now. 

      youtube.com/shran100

      in case you forgot. 

      Love you all! 

      And see you in another 50!

About today's video

     Today, I am tired. Like, exhausted. But that's alright. I published a video today that I am super proud of. It was my fiftieth vlog. I took extra time composing the shots. I took extra editing them to make the video flow and to just seem different and special compared to my everyday vlogs.
     I'm not saying that all my videos aren't special, but I took way more time and put in way more effort for this one because I wanted to make it extra special. While editing, I actually got a little emotional as I began to see the beginnings of the final product.
      I enjoyed the silent film quality it had, once you remove the music it is completely silent other than the opening minute of monologue. I feel that taking away the sound really allowed the visuals to come to the forefront and allow the motions to be seen rather than heard. I'm going to be honest, the shot of my dog, Teasag (pronounced Chessa, it's Celtic), being super excited and running and jumping gave me a lump in my throat. You could see the joy in her actions, you didn't need to hear her paws hitting the floor, you could just see it.
      I think it was a very pure film. It allowed me, as a filmmaker, to try things that I hadn't tried before.
     I think it is a beautiful little film, and I hope you all enjoy it as well.

You can watch it here: https://youtu.be/d5ZVBieqKpA

Sarcastic AF

       Alright, alright, I'll start writing.
       Hey, how's life treating you today?
      That's a terrible way to start a blog, sounds like a fricking email.
      Technology mildly worked for me today. YouTube froze a bunch while uploading, but it only made it take like an hour extra. And I was able to get a bunch of other stuff done as well! Yay for productivity! I'm looking at ways to promote my content on the cheap (read: free), and in that vein, I have started an official tumblr page for my vlog!!! YAY! Wow. Chill out caps lock McGee. You can find my page at: zakitudevlogs.tumblr.com. Yet another way I'm giving you to find and watch my videos with having to go to the dreaded YouTube.
      I've been told sarcasm isn't an attractive trait. But what do those people know? They haven't even looked in a mirror lately. I mean, come on, people in glass houses.
       I think that's the meanest I've been in one of these... I must be tired. (hint: I am) I apologize to any of the sarcastically impaired people whom I may have offended with my comment.
      But seriously, just because you don't understand a sarcastic comment doesn't mean you need to broadcast your ignorance.
       Down boy. Be nice.
      Hello. This has been blogging with a tired Zak. Please go and follow his YouTube channel for content when he isn't falling asleep at keyboards: youtube.com/user/shran100. Like his page on Facebook: facebook.com/zakitudevlogs. Join his group for Canadian Asexuals: facebook.com/canadianaces. And follow him on tumblr where he reblogs scarves: zakitudevlogs.tumblr.com

Started Working Out Again

     I started working out again. Today was my first serious work out in about two years, and it feels pretty good. Even the run through blowing snow on somewhat icy streets felt good.
     That said, going for a run with my Scottish Terrier was not my best idea today. She kept stopping to sniff things and I would have to run in place until she was ready to go again. Almost fell a few times too when she decided to stop suddenly while behind me.
     Good times for her, I am sure.
     I was feeling improvements in my flexibility even after this first work out, so I'm excited to see how the progression goes for me! And talking about it in my vlog is a good source of accountability!
     Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a health and fitness blog, I just felt like sharing this. I feel good right now; I'm a little sore, but it's a good sore. I'm already feeling more energetic too!
      Emailed a couple more agents today, still going strong on that front, hopefully I hear from one soon! It would be nice to know that this risk is paying off. I`m sure it will in the long run, but paying bills isn't a long-term thing. It is shockingly short-term.
      If you're enjoying my blogs, please go and subscribe to my youtube channel: youtube.com/user/shran100
      I post daily vlogs there, a weekly news show, and random special videos about once a month! Please go give me a like on my latest video, and subscribe so you don't miss a thing!  

Thank you! / How to get one million views!

To be honest, I don't know what I'm doing here.
Like, I don't have an idea for this post. I'm literally just typing and words are coming out. It's like stalling, but digitally.
How many people are actually reading this? and how desperate and needy did that sound?
A million. The answer is a million. Which is how many views this blog will get!






in around a thousand years. Don't get your hopes up John.

I wanna thank you guys, the ones who read this and watch my videos. You guys are amazing and awesome. The only reason that I do this is for you. That and I'm huge narcissist. Remind me to write a post on the relation between narcissism and art. Because there is a huge one. I should know after all.
I'm thanking you, and I'm talking about myself. Typical.
I'm in the process of filming my 30th vlog today! Not my 30th video, that was passed a few days ago, but my 30th vlog! Which is awesome! I never thought I would become a youtuber, and yet here I am. Posting videos on a daily basis, and loving the experience. I would love it way more if more people were watching, but I'll get there. Once I start doing more interesting things... But come on! Who doesn't want to watch the extremely boring exploits of a struggling author who isn't making money? That's entertainment gold right there.
Anyways, I should be writing...