You know what's hard? Writing a blog everyday while filming and editing, running social media accounts, and working all by yourself. I enjoy it all, which is why I do all of it, but sometimes I feel like I let one or more things slide in favour of another. For example, I put way more effort into my twitter than I do into my Instagram or Facebook. Twitter is the one where I have my largest following, but if I don't give as much focus to my other accounts they won't grow. And if they don't grow, my overall audience won't grow. You see my problem, I'm sure.
And now that I have a second channel (WQN, pay attention), it just adds another layer to it. I should be starting up at least a second Facebook page for it, but I'm holding off on that simply because I don't want to have another account to run. Ugh. I knew this was going to be a lot of work when I was getting into it. I knew it was going to eat up huge chunks of my time. And I know that if I want to succeed, I have to go 100% in. But I'm holding myself back because there's a little voice in my head that I always listen to that tells me I'll fail. I listened to it when I was going to pursue acting (I've won awards at the provincial level), I listened to it when I had chances to pursue my dreams in Europe, and I've listened to it when it came to my writing. And I'm listening to it right now, as I hold myself back from going fully into this.
The thought of giving 100% into something that isn't a sure thing is frightening. The fear of failure is a constant specter that hovers over me, influencing and casting shadows over all my decisions. There is a part of me that knows I can succeed, that knows I will succeed--if I could ever pull myself from these phantasms of doubt and give my all.
One day. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's always "one day", never today. As long as I keep telling myself "one day", I never have to hold myself to it because "one day" just hasn't happened yet. It still will, one day. Maybe I have to stop telling myself "one day", and start telling myself "today". Today is scary though. Telling myself to make those changes today incurs a risk of failure--a risk that one day doesn't have.
So is today the day that I tell myself "today"? I don't know. Got a lot to do today. I have to film and edit for the vlog. I have research, write a basic script, film, and edit for WQN. I have to eat at some point. I have to pack to head home. I'll always have things that I have to do, that I can conveniently use as an excuse to not say "today". Oh, how I wish I had the courage and confidence to say "today". To say "fuck it" and go 100% into this.
Maybe one day I will.
And now that I have a second channel (WQN, pay attention), it just adds another layer to it. I should be starting up at least a second Facebook page for it, but I'm holding off on that simply because I don't want to have another account to run. Ugh. I knew this was going to be a lot of work when I was getting into it. I knew it was going to eat up huge chunks of my time. And I know that if I want to succeed, I have to go 100% in. But I'm holding myself back because there's a little voice in my head that I always listen to that tells me I'll fail. I listened to it when I was going to pursue acting (I've won awards at the provincial level), I listened to it when I had chances to pursue my dreams in Europe, and I've listened to it when it came to my writing. And I'm listening to it right now, as I hold myself back from going fully into this.
The thought of giving 100% into something that isn't a sure thing is frightening. The fear of failure is a constant specter that hovers over me, influencing and casting shadows over all my decisions. There is a part of me that knows I can succeed, that knows I will succeed--if I could ever pull myself from these phantasms of doubt and give my all.
One day. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's always "one day", never today. As long as I keep telling myself "one day", I never have to hold myself to it because "one day" just hasn't happened yet. It still will, one day. Maybe I have to stop telling myself "one day", and start telling myself "today". Today is scary though. Telling myself to make those changes today incurs a risk of failure--a risk that one day doesn't have.
So is today the day that I tell myself "today"? I don't know. Got a lot to do today. I have to film and edit for the vlog. I have research, write a basic script, film, and edit for WQN. I have to eat at some point. I have to pack to head home. I'll always have things that I have to do, that I can conveniently use as an excuse to not say "today". Oh, how I wish I had the courage and confidence to say "today". To say "fuck it" and go 100% into this.
Maybe one day I will.
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