I may have forgotten to write something yesterday. That happens though. Nothing really worked yesterday technology-wise, so the blog didn't happen. But it is today! You lucky ducks, you!
What happens when life gets in the way of living? You know what I mean, those days when everything is going right, works good, personal life is good, you're living and you're happy then boom! Something happens that throws you off the track. Life happens and interrupts your living. Life can leave you scrambling, trying to pick up the pieces of your life that it has thrown about. So what happens when life gets in the way of living? How does one move on from it? How does one get back to living?
Recently, life has been getting in the way of living on a regular basis. So regular that the interruptions are almost becoming my way of living. I have constantly enveloped myself in this bubble of stress and interruptions that I legitimately don't remember how to just relax and live! Even my down time has become regulated! (5-6: supper prep/cleaning/cooking; 6-8: eating/watching TV; 8-9: video games; 9-10: edit; 10-11: get ready for bed/read) This schedule that I have enforced upon myself has even become a source of stress at times! I'll consider watching a movie, but I'll tell myself I don't have time because I have to be doing X at a certain time which the movie would cut into. I haven't watched so many movies that I've purchased for exactly this reason (sorry Spectre, Mockingjay pt 2, and Daredevil season 2)! Part of me wishes that I have more time to relax, while the rational part of me is telling me that I have the time, I'm just not letting myself use it. I'm not really living, I'm just sticking to a schedule waiting for the next time life interrupts. If I'm not really living, it won't be a big deal when it happens right?
I could give myself excuses for this. I could say I'm scheduling everything so I don't have to focus on my grief. I'm scheduling everything so I don't have to focus on everything that's wrong with my life. As long as I'm focused on a schedule and completing arbitrary tasks by an imaginary deadline, I don't have time to think.
And that's the issue. I'm not giving myself time to think. If I stepped back, even for a minute, I could allow myself to think. But I'm scared to do that. What if I don't like where my thoughts take me? So I stick to my schedule and pretend that I'm living.
This is what happens to me when life interrupts living. I stop living and wait in sick anticipation for the next interruption. I need to start actually living again. To go out and joyfully smell the flowers as they bloom (and then take one hundred allergy pills)! To feel the grass beneath my feet (while being on one hundred allergy pills)! To breathe in the fresh spring air, and to let a giddy smile appear naturally on my face. Only problem is, I don't know where I'd fit that into my schedule.
I miss the days where I wasn't on a schedule 24/7. The days when I could sleep in on weekends without worrying about having to drive someplace.
I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew how to go back to just living. But life interrupts so frequently, maybe sticking to this schedule is better. It sure is easier.
What happens when life gets in the way of living? You fake living until it becomes your existence.
What happens when life gets in the way of living? You know what I mean, those days when everything is going right, works good, personal life is good, you're living and you're happy then boom! Something happens that throws you off the track. Life happens and interrupts your living. Life can leave you scrambling, trying to pick up the pieces of your life that it has thrown about. So what happens when life gets in the way of living? How does one move on from it? How does one get back to living?
Recently, life has been getting in the way of living on a regular basis. So regular that the interruptions are almost becoming my way of living. I have constantly enveloped myself in this bubble of stress and interruptions that I legitimately don't remember how to just relax and live! Even my down time has become regulated! (5-6: supper prep/cleaning/cooking; 6-8: eating/watching TV; 8-9: video games; 9-10: edit; 10-11: get ready for bed/read) This schedule that I have enforced upon myself has even become a source of stress at times! I'll consider watching a movie, but I'll tell myself I don't have time because I have to be doing X at a certain time which the movie would cut into. I haven't watched so many movies that I've purchased for exactly this reason (sorry Spectre, Mockingjay pt 2, and Daredevil season 2)! Part of me wishes that I have more time to relax, while the rational part of me is telling me that I have the time, I'm just not letting myself use it. I'm not really living, I'm just sticking to a schedule waiting for the next time life interrupts. If I'm not really living, it won't be a big deal when it happens right?
I could give myself excuses for this. I could say I'm scheduling everything so I don't have to focus on my grief. I'm scheduling everything so I don't have to focus on everything that's wrong with my life. As long as I'm focused on a schedule and completing arbitrary tasks by an imaginary deadline, I don't have time to think.
And that's the issue. I'm not giving myself time to think. If I stepped back, even for a minute, I could allow myself to think. But I'm scared to do that. What if I don't like where my thoughts take me? So I stick to my schedule and pretend that I'm living.
This is what happens to me when life interrupts living. I stop living and wait in sick anticipation for the next interruption. I need to start actually living again. To go out and joyfully smell the flowers as they bloom (and then take one hundred allergy pills)! To feel the grass beneath my feet (while being on one hundred allergy pills)! To breathe in the fresh spring air, and to let a giddy smile appear naturally on my face. Only problem is, I don't know where I'd fit that into my schedule.
I miss the days where I wasn't on a schedule 24/7. The days when I could sleep in on weekends without worrying about having to drive someplace.
I wish I knew the answer. I wish I knew how to go back to just living. But life interrupts so frequently, maybe sticking to this schedule is better. It sure is easier.
What happens when life gets in the way of living? You fake living until it becomes your existence.
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