So, yeah...

     Okay. I talk about this in my vlog a little bit (the one that's going up tomorrow (so spoilers, I guess)), but there is a reason that my last few videos haven't been up to even my ridiculously low standards. And, tbh, the self-deprecating humour is actually part of the problem.
      I've been getting to myself lately. I've been getting under my own skin, and tearing myself down. Meaning, basically and unmetaphorically, that the part of me that says "I can't do this" has been louder than the part saying "I got this." That negative voice is always there, whispering in the background, and usually I can keep it quiet. But, mix in being sick and my SAD (which I've been dealing with for years mostly in secret, so... now it's kinda out there), and I just didn't have the willpower to keep that voice down, and it took over. It steered me into giving up. Into not trying. And, even worse, into thinking that those who always have my back weren't actually there for me. I began shutting down and half assing everything that's important to me. Including this blog, which was completely ignored for a few days. Over the past week, I've put out some of my worst vlogs. All the lessons I've learned since starting them, all of the heart and soul I try and inject, all of that was forgotten as I mindlessly put out basic and soulless content.
      I'm on the home stretch to my 100th vlog and I was putting out utter shit like that! I should be creating some of my best right now! Not my worst. I deserve to make better films than that. You deserve to watch better films than that. I make a promise to you in tomorrow's vlog that I will be giving it my all again. That I will be putting the proper effort and heart into my content again. As I caught up on Casey Neistat's vlogs over lunch, I realized that I want to be creating art on his level. I want to inject the amount of passion into my projects that he does. I started doing some multicamera stuff awhile back, then I just stopped. That was because of that voice. I'm planning of filming some of that tonight. I would've already but one of my cameras is dead... apparently I didn't charge it after last time. Timelapses will be coming. "Staged" shots will be coming back. Perhaps I'll even be confident enough to film in an actual store soon! I'm going to start doing more.
        I always allow myself to become content in my depressed state, even though it makes me sad, I don't want to do anything about it. Not anymore. Saying that, I know full well that tomorrow morning may come finding me lacking the strength to get out of bed. I can make these sweeping declarations, but that doesn't make them true. I need to work for them. I need to power through this. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. And I am not alone. I know that I am not.
        Depression is a bitch. It's an angry female dog that will rip your face off and make sure that you don't care that it's happening. That's a little graphic, but I wanted to justify my use of "bitch". It's true though, metaphor that it is. I've been letting stuff slide and fall apart, and I have just watched it with apathy. I looked at the vlogs I put out this past week, knowing deep in my heart that they weren't up to my standards, and just thought, good enough. I looked at the shorter and shorter run times and didn't care. I told myself they were short because I'm boring and didn't have anything to share. In fact, the only reason I kept posting was because part of me wanted to make sure my 100th vlog came out on time still. Even in the depths of my despair, part of me was still trying to make me do more. To be more.
        I am saying to you here and now, and tomorrow in the vlog in a clip that I've already filmed so even though you're seeing it after this it happened first (holy run-on sentence Batman), that I am going to do better. I am going to be putting out the level and quality of content that I should be. I am going to learn from my previous mistakes. I am going to pull myself out of this and stand strong.
       Thank you. All of you. Those of you who have put up with my shifting moods and everything else without knowing the whole truth. Thank you. I love you all.








***Disclaimer I really shouldn't have to put***
I know everyone has that negative voice at the back of their heads, so don't try and belittle what I'm saying with that. This post isn't about everyone, it's about me. 

February 24th, year 2016 of our Lord

      I always found daily journaling to be a waste of time and effort. Recording my daily thoughts on days when nothing of note happened never felt like something I should do. In fact, most of my attempts at journaling would transform into works of fantasy; mostly involving pirates and the occasional cannibal. I've always understood the importance that people can find in journaling, don't get me wrong! It just lacks that importance to me. I wish I could journal. I wish I could be so disciplined that at the end of every night I sat down and wrote out everything that had happened during the day. But I'm not.
       Instead I vlog.
       Vlogging is exactly like journaling, except I don't have to deal with all that pesky writing! Says the writer... Anyways, don't question my logic! Honestly, it's more the fact that I don't have to remember what I did during the day, I can just check my footage and I'm good to go! I mean. I'm still writing everyday (what do you call this?), so I don't feel too bad about not writing in a journal. I keep journals, but they're all full of writing and poems, and ideas for said writing. So they're more fancy looking journals. I'm exhausted if you can't tell by my writing.
        The idea of journaling has always fascinated me, and many of my historical and fictional heroes have journaled. They all made it seem so magical. With each stroke, they made history. And their writing read like Greek epics, and when they touched on their love life, every phrase was carefully constructed to perfectly reflect the beauty they saw. I may have a romanticized view of journaling. And maybe this romanticism is the reason that I can't make myself journal: I don't feel like I can match the perfection that I see in other's journaling.

February 24th, year 2016 of our Lord,

     Today I awoke to the gentle intones of my alarm sitting upon my bedside table. A gentle smile caressed my face as I rose to greet the day. Wide, did I fling open my blinds, eyes closed basking in the simple touch of sun's warmth.
     Joyfully I reached for my mobile, the source of much of my joys and my means of connection with those I love, to peruse my notifications. My eyes lit gleefully when they fell upon her name. Oh! How did my heart flutter at the sight. Speedily and without grace I fell upon my bed to compose a witty response to her salutations. No mere words could ever truly convey the pure love in my heart for her, nonetheless I struggle towards that unattainable goal daily.
     "As much as I love the greetings of morning's sun, all pales to the pure bliss I experience at the first message I receive from you." More sap and less witticism, but still an adequate (albeit only adequate!) response to her's. 
     Much to my dismay, dear journal, I had to put my mobile down and prepare for my day's trivialities. She stayed on my mind the entire time, but stating that is as obvious as stating capitalism doesn't work [I had to, sorry]. How my heart yearns for the day that I can collapse into her arms at the end of each day! Alas, this is not to be--not yet! I hold onto hope that the day will come to be!
    The day progressed much as usual. The crisp ice, left over from yesterthaw, crunched underfoot as I strode, rather dejectedly as I had not heard from her yet, into my office building. A rather resplendent building befitting the treasures that are held within. 
    Normally, dear journal, I would write past this! Unfortunately I cannot, for not else has transpired as of yet.


     As fun as that was, I couldn't write like that every single day. I would probably start laughing at myself from the pretentiousness of it all.
     Anyways. Hope you all enjoyed that!


   

Filming Future

      I sat down, prepared to write this blog, and then got distracted. No, not by something shiny. Not this time. I got a notification on my phone from Twitter that one of my favourite YouTubers, and one of the few that I've watched since the beginning, had tweeted me! And every thought I had in regards to this post disappeared. Those thoughts still haven't returned. Obviously. OH! You're probably wondering who the person was. Just a little YouTuber by the name of Olga Kay. She later liked one of my tweets as well, so.... we're pretty much married now. You know how it is.
      Honestly, it felt kinda cool that she actually replied. I've had celebrities like my tweets, and I have a ton of verified followers (who doesn't?), but this was cool. I'm trying to get into the YouTube game, and to have someone who has made it so far in that community recognize me? Feels good. Now if only she would do a collaboration with me... Or just subscribe and tell her subs to do that same. Either would work for me.
       Anyways. Lets do an update on the whole YouTube thing! I'm still making videos. I am still looking into editing software, but I want to make the best choice for what I need, so I'm doing lots and lots of research. Plus editing software isn't free. If you have never looked it ranges from $95-$700 in price. So. Lots of research.
       As for filming, I want to start looking into some different equipment. Tripods for different situations, possible lighting, maybe a mic for different situations, game capture for longer and better gaming clips, and, of course, more cameras. All of that stuff is obviously in the future, and will be all separate purchases that happen when the need arises. That list is to basically make myself aware of potential future purchases and things that I may need. And if there's ever a massive sale, I'll know what I may need, and what I won't need. For example, I won't need an iPad. Ever. Or a Mac. Those were terrible examples. I want to stick with point and shoots for now, so I won't need lenses if I ever see those on sale. That was a better example Zak, good on ya.
       The reason for different equipment is to open up new filming techniques, new styles, and even new locations! All the different equipment would allow me to correct more dynamic films and vlogs. A permanent camera person would be great too. Someone who could really nail the dramatic zooms onto my face.Maybe I should make my post for unpaid interns again...
       All of this, from the time and effort to the equipment and money, is a huge investment. It's one that I hope really turns out well. Besides my writing, this is probably the thing I have put the most effort into. If you read my blogs, and enjoy them, why not head over to my channel and give me a watch, and maybe a subscribe!
youtube.com/shran100 

The Wrong Side of History

      I got frustrated yesterday. A person I had a lot of respect for told me that they think it's okay to fly the Confederate Flag simply because they don't associate it with racism. Okay. Cool. You don't associate the flag that slave owners flew while they fought a war so they could continue to own people of colour with racism. Then what do you associate it with? People often defend it saying it represents freedom to them, which is an argument that is laughable at best and harmfully ignorant at worst considering the flag's history. And saying you don't associate a flag with its own history is basically saying you don't associate the Canadian flag with Canada. A flag is made to represent groups and their ideals, and the Confederate flag was made to represent slave owners and their want to continue owning black people!
        At first I thought maybe they were just trying to defend their S.O., so I changed tracks and asked them if they would defend the Nazi (yes, those Nazis, the ones with Hitler) flag with the same argument. I thought for sure they would say no, and that it would flip so switches in their head! I was wrong. They said they would use the same argument for the Nazi flag. A flag, as I'm sure you know, under which genocide was done. A flag that one of the most evil organizations in history used. They went on to say that people could use these flags because "everyone is allowed to have their own opinions." Yes, everyone is allowed to have an opinion, but what those flags mean is not an opinion, but literally historical fact!
       As this stunningly obtuse conversation continued, they said that not everyone sees them as negative symbols. I agreed. Racists, Neo-Nazis, Skinheads, Homophobes, Islamophobes, etc., probably see those flags as positive things! In general, however, decent people, average people, see them as the negative things that they are! They quit responding after I mentioned that for some reason.
       Don't get me wrong, I 100% support freedom of speech and expression. That said, freedom of expression doesn't mean you get to go around hanging symbols of hate everywhere, just as freedom of speech doesn't mean you get to be a racist. I use my freedom of speech to speak out against hate and ignorance. I exercise that freedom every day, and I encourage everyone to exercise that freedom. I also live in a country where I am free to drink myself to death, but I exercise restraint because I'm a normal person who doesn't want to die.
       On a side note, that's going to make me sound so white, I asked some of my friends who happen to be people of colour for their thoughts on this person's argument. First they asked me if this was a real conversation I was having. Then they asked if the person was a racist or just a very stupid (one asked if the person was a Trump supporter). When they finally actually answered my original query their answers, all of them, boiled down to basically this: the Confederate flag is racist, no matter what way you try and look at. As for the bit with the Nazi flag, they said the person was "basically supporting genocide."
         We live in a culture where people (assholes) accuse others of being too sensitive and too PC, and that all of our being nice to each other is making future generations weak. I pity those people whose minds are small enough to believe that. We are not being "too PC" when we cut the offensive words out of everyday language. We are not weak for not wanting to offend our brothers and sisters. If anything, our dedication to making people feel accepted and loved makes us stronger than those who can't even control their own mouths.
         This seems like a big deal to make out of a piece of cloth. But this past year was the year we had a woman climb a public flag pole to take down a symbol of hate against her people, only to be arrested. This past year was the year we (I say we because we all live in North America, and the plights of the American people should be our concern) had more mass shooting than we had days in the year. This past year was the year a black child was shot two seconds after the police pulled up because he had a fucking toy. It's 2016, we should be living in a society where everyone is safe, and there are too many people pretending that that is the case. It's not. It is time to take these rags off of our eyes and see the world for how it really is. The world is a messed up place. Truly. And the people flying the Confederate Flag are not helping anything. At best they're stagnating process, at worse they are actively working against it.
         And, as history has shown us, the people waving that flag are on the wrong side.

Deadpool's Lessons

      Know what I love? How confused Hollywood execs are by Deadpool's record breaking success. They keep trying to rationalize it and attribute to all these random factors. The answer is fairly simple though. It's a success because it's a good movie, and it's a movie that fans have wanted for almost a decade. Fairly simple. The brilliant marketing helped, yes, but it boils down to one thing: the fans wanted it.
      Just how record breaking you ask? Well, it had the largest opening weekend for an R-rated film ever. It had the biggest President's Day weekend opening ever. And the only solo superhero film to have a better opening weekend was Iron Man 3. Hollywood is so confused. R-rated films don't make this much many. It made 5 times it's budget in its opening weekend. It is unheard of for a film to make that much profit that quickly. The estimates it was given for its opening weekend was $65 million. It made $265 million. It because it's good. Because Fox let the filmmakers make the movie with minimal interference.
       That's the lesson Hollywood has to learn from this: let the filmmakers make the movie. Don't interfere with every step of the production. James Gunn fears, rightly, that this won't be the lesson Hollywood learns. He fears that Hollywood will just try and make carbon copies of Deadpool and expect them to make that kind of money. Honestly, I fear the same thing. When has Hollywood ever learned the right lessons from successful films?
      For now, I'm going to watch Deadpool has many times as I can. Because it is a bloody brilliant film. How did I do an entire article on Deadpool without swearing? Am I a god? I think I must be. 

Gettin' Real

     There are days when I find it extremely hard to think of a topic for this. I know that whenever I write about asexuality I will get views, but I don't want to limit myself to only writing on that subject. I've written posts that I feel are superb, yet they have minimal views. My post yesterday got a solid amount of views, which was honestly surprising. I assumed that it would attract an insignificant amount of attention. I'm glad that I was wrong. But, that's not the issue here, not really. The issue boils down to a choice: do I only write what I know people will read and share, or do I write what I want to?
       The logical side of me says to write what others want, so that they will want to read what I want to write. Basically establish an audience first, then roll out the content. It makes sense. If I get enough people regularly reading what I'm writing, even if I'm just writing what they want, then that audience (mostly) will stick around when I start writing what I want to. Sure, I may lose some people, but at least I'll have an established fan base!
       The other side, the free creator side, says to write and create what you want to. Don't pander to the masses just to feed your ego. Writing what other people want you to write just for the sake of views isn't really writing at all. It's boring homework. Writing what others want me to write has always been a sore spot for me. It goes against who I am to write things simply because it's what others want of me. I like writing on asexuality, do not get me wrong, I just don't want that to be all I write on. I'm not trying to say that I would start writing rightist or leftist propaganda just to get views. That really is not who I am. I had extremely conservative professors at university who gave me failing marks on my papers because I wasn't conservative enough, and I had a lot of people tell me "just give them what they want". I couldn't. It would have been a lie. And it wouldn't have reflected me as a person. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I had sold out to make some old, close minded people happy. Creatively, morally, spiritually, I want to write what I want to write. Because writing is personal. No matter what it is that is being written, it is a personal project.
       Logically, if I had given those profs what  they wanted, I would've had an easier go of it. As an actor, I could have viewed it as an acting exercise. But that still would've been a lie. Do I regret not giving those profs what they wanted? No. And yes. Of course I wish I could've had an easier time with those professors, but it wouldn't have been worth selling my soul for.
       Obviously, this isn't quite the same. I am in control of all the content that gets posted under my brand. I like writing about asexuality, I like writing about other stuff. I just have to decided if I am okay with only writing about one subject I care about in exchange for consistently good views, or writing about all the subjects I care about in exchange for wildly erratic views. Not so much selling my soul, as locking part of it up. Or, to use a more relevant metaphor, keeping part of myself in the closest so that people like me.
        Damn, that last sentence got real.   

I NEED YOUR HELP

      Okay. My 100th vlog is coming up pretty soon and I want to do something cool to celebrate it. Like hit a million subscribers (brb laughing break), or attain true inner peace and happiness (brb crying break). Crazy pipe dreams aside, I do want to celebrate this significant milestone. I have some semblance of a plan, but I don't think it's enough. I want something BIG. Maybe not physically big, but emotionally. Mentally. Something significant and important. I mean, it's 100 vlogs guys. That is big. It is significant. It means I stuck with something for a long time. And vlogging on a mostly daily basis is not something small. It's time consuming. Setting up shots, going through all of the raw footage to find stuff that's actually good, and then editing and uploading! It's time consuming. Let alone the emotional commitment (took me a solid minute to think of the word "commitment") involved. Everyday I am putting myself out there for the entire world to see. Everyday I am leaving myself open to ridicule and hate. Every video I publish has the ability to destroy my ego. Plus people give you really weird looks in small towns when you whip out a camera to film everyday stuff.
        All that boils down to this: vlogging is hard. Emotionally, mentally, physically. Day in and day out I am putting myself in the cross hairs of the public. Everyday I worry that maybe someone will dislike my videos enough to do something about it. But, vlogging is fun. Everyday I'm challenging myself to do something new. To try something. And everyday I am creating something new, something that had never existed before I created it. And as an artist, that feeling of daily new creation is worth all the risks.
         My 100th vlog is going to be a risk, no different from the others. It will be something new. It will be mine. I want my 100th vlog to be special. My 50th vlog was, my 2015 reflection was, and my 100th will be. That said, I need your help. Yes, that's right: your help is needed. I want you to send me things that you want in my 100th vlog. Pictures of us together, pictures of you by yourself, a poem, a video, questions, a song. Whatever it is, I want it to be special to you, and have a tie to me. Obviously. It's my vlog. Has to do with me somehow. If all goes to plan, my 100th vlog will be going live on March 3rd. That means I will be filming and editing it on the 2nd, so if you're going to submit something, it needs to be before March 2nd.
          I will throw an email address down for you below to submit to, you can also submit stuff at my tumblr, or Facebook. The email isn't my personal one, it's a business one (heh, business). Honestly, I would prefer through email, but any of those will work.


zakitudevlogs.tumblr.com
shran100@gmail.com
facebook.com/zakitudevlogs

DEADPOOL (no spoilers, honest)

      I, like a lot of people, went to Deadpool over the weekend. It truly was the best Valentine's date movie out, by the way. I loved the movie. It was an accurate representation of the character of Deadpool. It took Ryan Reynolds a long time to convince Fox to make this movie, and I think that's a good thing. If this movie had come out a few years ago, or the seven years ago that it was supposed to have come out, it would've failed. Or been made a PG-13 family flick. Either would've been just as bad.

instead we got this

      Okay, honestly? God bless Ryan Reynolds and his unending dedication into getting this movie made. From constantly pestering Fox, to paying for (and possibly leaking) test footage, he is the person who got this movie made. He was the one to make sure Deadpool was still Canadian, he was the one to make sure the movie stayed true to character, and he was the one bring Deadpool to life before our eyes. I can honestly not think of another person who could've played the part. I mean, Ryan Reynolds is literally Deadpool (not a joke, read the comics: DP looks like Ryan Reynolds once his cancer clears out). The whole production of Deadpool reads like a DP comic. Ryan Reynolds got hit by a car, and when asked about it by CBC News, he, instead of answering their questions, told them to renew Beachcombers (as any good Vancouverite should do). And on the last day of filming, he literally walked off set in costume so he wouldn't have to give back the suit. One of the costume guys asked him if he was going to take it off, and Ryan simply stated "no", and continued on. Beautiful.

      Full of meta humour, the film pokes fun at everything from the producers to the actors to the crazy timeline. I'd get more specific, but I don't want to spoil anything for the few people who haven't seen the film yet. Honestly, if you love good movies, if you love things that are funny, if you like action movies, if you only like Ryan Reynolds' ass, go see this movie. Seriously, Ryan is naked for like half the movie. I've convinced a ton of people to go just by saying, "Ryan Reynolds is naked a bunch." Just doing the good work I was put here for (promoting Deadpool). 

      As a Deadpool fan, I had my reservations about the movie, but I trusted Ryan Reynolds to do it right. Mainly because he's the biggest DP fan on the entire planet. I loved the movie. As soon as I was out of the theatre, I wanted to see it again. Like, that instant. There are a lot of movies that I leave wanting to see again, but very few that I wanted to see again that instant. Guardians of the Galaxy (easily my favourite movie of all time) is the only one to come to mind, and I saw it four times in theatres. I feel like Deadpool may break that record. 

      Go watch Deadpool. As long as you're old enough. Seriously, do not take children to see Deadpool. Deadpool has never been for kids, and he never will be. Just a serious sidebar. 

      That side, go get a babysitter or something, and go to your nearest theatre and watch this gem.

Discrimination and Asexuality

Being asexual can be tough sometimes. Okay, it can be tough most of the time, lets be honest. We're a minority inside of a minority group. The LGBTQIA+ have been fighting to be accepted for decades, but members within that community often belittle or completely deny the existence of asexuals. We're told that we aren't "gay" enough, that we're "pretty much straight", and that we're just special little snowflakes. It's hard enough as an asexual person to live in this sex-driven society, without the added discrimination from the people who should be family. Yes, I realize there are a lot of people who support us within the queer community, and not everyone denies our existence. Please don't come to me saying that. Obviously I know this.

The sad reality is that people simply can't wrap their minds around asexuality. Asexuality should be one of the easiest sexualities to understand! But it's not. In a sex-driven, sex-filled society, we are the ones who aren't driven by sexual desires and attractions. Mainstream culture boils relationships down to sex, whereas asexual people see relationships as...well, relationships. I have friends within the community who struggle every single day with being asexual because the people around them label them as broken. "Not being sexually attracted to people is wrong." "God wants you to have sexual attraction." "How are you ever going to find a partner?" "You must be pretty fucked up in the head." "That's just a tumblr sexuality, it's not real." And my personal favourite [sarcasm heavily implied], "Five minutes with me and I'll fix that." First off, five minutes is nothing to be boasting about. Second off, fuck off. (sure hope my parents don't read this one) Third off, research into asexuality has been going on since 1896, and as we all know, tumblr didn't come online until 1899 at the earliest.

A lot of people would assume that asexual people are just overly dramatic and sensitive, surely the rest of the queer community has it much worse! But that's not the case. Brock University ran two studies in 2012, one with students, and one with non-students from different countries. These are their results from the study:

We provide evidence that antiasexual bias is a form of sexual minority prejudice, that those prone to prejudice are more prone to antiasexual bias, and that asexuals are targets of dehumanization, avoidance, and discrimination intentions. Further, we demonstrate that bias toward asexuals is either equivalent to, or even more extreme, than bias toward homosexuals and bisexuals. ... Asexuals are the sexual minority that is most clearly considered “deficient” by heterosexuals. ... Although antiasexual bias is a clear component of sexual minority prejudice, it is also unique in that it was repeatedly stronger than bias toward other sexual minorities. Most disturbingly, asexuals are viewed as less human, especially lacking in terms of human nature. This confirms that sexual desire is considered a key component of human nature, and those lacking it are viewed as relatively deficient, less human, and disliked. It appears that asexuals do not “fit” the typical definition of human and as such are viewed as less human or even nonhuman, rendering them an extreme sexual orientation outgroup and very strong targets of bias. [emphasis mine]

That’s hard to read. I got emotional reading it. I have friends that have had to deal with all of that. I’ve dealt with a small amount of it. Recently, a fellow asexual youtuber, Amelia Ace, got attacked in the comments of one of her recent videos with people making comments exactly as the study described.

                It breaks my hearts, seeing this every single day. Having my friends hurt every single day because they’re slowly starting to believe the hate that is levelled against them. Friends who have given up any hope of having a romantic relationship, because our society tells them that sex is a key component to romantic relationships. I have friends who have given up on the idea that they can be happy, simply because they’re asexual and the world tells us we’re broken.

                But we are not broken. There is nothing wrong with us. Society needs to change, not us. Society needs to accept us and embrace us. We are whole, and we are beautiful. Fuck the haters. Fuck the people who tell us we are less than them. Fuck anyone who tries to knock us down into the muck. Every time someone tries to knock us down, we will get right back up. We are stronger than their hate. We have each other. We have the support of our asexual family. Because that’s what we are, we’re more than just a community. We are family.

                According to society we are impossible, so I’m going to end with a quote from Firefly: We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty. 

For more disturbing things the asexual family deals with, please see this article.

Positives in the Negatives

      I turn 26 today. Not a milestone, not a significant anniversary of my birth, just 26. I always feel weird on my birthdays, especially the last few years, like I haven't accomplished anything and that I have this emptiness inside my soul that can be filled by...something.
      This year is different though. I have my channel (on which is being published my first skit today!), I have my writing (which is actually being published and all that fun stuff), and I have my role in the asexuality community. All these things are basically filling that emptiness I used to feel on a regular basis. That said, I am still feeling slightly alone this year. I'm working and staying in the city, so all of my friends and family are an hour and a half to two hours away, which makes driving to celebrate on a Monday, kind of a bad idea. Everyone would be tired, and it would be a pretty short night as we would all need to get ready for work the next morning. And so, for the first time, I am celebrating my birthday with no one. On the actual day, I've got stuff planned this weekend with friends and my sister on Saturday, and my parents on Sunday. It feels odd though. I'm sitting at my desk, on my birthday, with very little to look forward to tonight.
      That said, there is a new episode of The X-Files on tonight, which I never thought would happen again after the series ended (ish) in 2002, so that's nice. And I've got the stuff to make a killer Caesar salad sitting in my fridge waiting for me. So, positives. 

Blips on a Radar

      Life is a series of blips. Stick with me here. Have you ever watched a radar before? It's a lot of emptiness broken by the occasional blip.

this kind of radar

not this Radar

What I mean by this isn't something negative or pessimistic, I tend to think of myself as an optimist first and foremost, I simply mean that expecting life to be non-stop happenings (adventure) is misguided, and very unlikely to happen. Life is a lot of empty space (normal days) with the occasional blip (exciting event) to break up the emptiness (uniformity) of existence.

      Again, this isn't something negative! It's just an observation. I know a lot of people who get worried, myself included, that they don't do enough exciting things! That their life is just simply average, and not the adventurous lives that they see played out on television! I do that too. I look at TV shows, and films, and books, and I am envious of the lives my favourite characters live! I wish that I could be the swashbuckling hero, or the brilliant scientist that somehow has both an amazing social life and is respected by their peers! Instead, I have the life that I live, and I get disappointed in it. I shouldn't be. My life's alright. I have a roof over my head, I have a job, I'm writing and getting paid for it, I have people who love me. And yet whenever I compare myself to fiction I get disappointed. As do a lot of people. Apparently human nature involves forgetting that fiction is fake! Fiction is not there to show us realistic and reasonable goals! No no! It is there for an escape only! To make us forget about how horrible ordinary real life actually is! 

      It is for those blips on the radar, that  we suffer through the emptiness. If everyday were full of blips, we would yearn for the emptiness. Because if everyday were an adventure, then adventures would become the normal. They would become the emptiness. 

      That's the true flaw of humanity: the miraculous becomes boring if we see it too often.  

Writing Skits

     So I'm writing a skit. It's been a very long time since I've written a skit, and this the first time that I am writing a skit with the express purpose of filming. It's interesting. Because now I have to think about camera angles, and continuity, and when to switch to other perspectives. It's also very liberating to write one that's made to be filmed, because I don't need an abundance of actors. I literally just need myself. And maybe one other person to help with the camera work.
     I'm enjoying the process. I'm doing it old school--pen and paper!--and it just feels good. I don't want to go into what the skit is about, that's going to be a surprise! It is a comedy! Hopefully my viewers will actually find it humorous as well... You guys think I'm funny right? Seriously. I need to know if you guys think I'm funny. It's for science reasons and totes not my ego.
      If you guys have any ideas for skits, or any other videos you'd like to see, don't hesitate to ask! Unless it's porn. Then you better have some pretty solid arguments lined up before you ask.
      You guys think I'm though right? This is totally about my ego, not science at all... 

Updates on my updates

      I seem to have forgotten to post anything yesterday... My bad. I kinda had a topic lined up and everything.. I was going to talk about how I was filming my 75th vlog, and that it wasn't anything special or groundbreaking because 75 is just a number, and that I was saving the special stuff for my 100th vlog. I mean, I still could talk about that, but it wouldn't feel right. The video is up already, so writing about filming it would just feel hollow. 

      I went on a cleaning binge last night. Felt pretty good. Got pretty much everything cleaned up, except for my dishes, which was especially unfortunate this morning when I realized all of my coffee mugs were in the dishes. Apparently I used all my mugs in two days, which I am both confused and concerned by. That's a lot of caffeine I apparently consumed. 

      I haven't really touched video games for the past couple nights, so I'm hoping to get some game time in tonight before Arrow and editing. Tried playing some GTA the other night, but couldn't connect to the server. Hopefully I can connect tonight and stream it on twitch! Oh yeah, I have a twitch channel! Go check it out, so far I've played Fallout and Battlefront on it, and am hoping to start streaming GTA, Halo, and possible Dragon Age in the near future! I would stream Metal Gear, but I am embarrassingly bad. Chicken hat bad... Anyways. 

      Good solid update, Zak. 

      Thanks. I tried really hard. 

twitch.tv/shran100

Kinda everything

      I'm planning on writing some skits soon. Just some basic, easy to shoot stuff using one or two actors. I have a couple ideas already loosely based on real life thoughts and events, including one on the--wait. Nope, y'all have to wait and see. I'm not going to leak my own ideas online. Goodness. That said, I am super excited to start acting again. It has been far too long since I last acted in any professional or even amateur sense.
      I'm going to start banging out a script tonight hopefully, and start filming later this week! The vlogs won't be set aside for this project, the skits will be done in addition to the vlog.
      I'm pretty happy with the things I've been doing in regards to filming. I filmed my first multi-camera shoot Saturday morning, and I edited it last night. I think it looks pretty sharp. Admittedly, it was of pretty boring subject matter, but I didn't want to try anything too intense for my first time. And yes, that means that all of those tracking shots of me walking from different angles and locations were all filmed with one camera. And with me doing the same things over and over again. Just for the sake of a cool scene. I'm pretty much a real filmmaker guys.
       Actually, I am a real filmmaker, just not a professional one. Yet. I mean, it took thirteen years to become a professional writer. Granted, nine of those years I was in some form of school, and I didn't start actively trying to get published until a few months ago... BUT! I have thirteen years of practice before I started trying to get published. I only have six months practice with filming. I don't know where this paragraph is going. This is what happens when all your blog posts go up without editing or forethought! Yeah! Don't worry, I edit the professional stuff, the blog is just raw though.
       When I was a kid, I always wanted to be on television and in movies, and I still do. With filming and uploading to my channel on a regular basis, I am, in a way, accomplishing that dream in part. I don't have a huge audience in any way, but I am being watched by people all over the globe. It's amazing. I'm going to lie, that first time seeing myself on my friend's tv as he watched my vlog was pretty cool. I was literally seeing myself on somebody's television! In something had been edited! The feeling of accomplishment, however slight, is euphoric.
        I look and see where I am, right at this very moment, and I am amazed. I'm amazed with what I have accomplished in the six months since I've started vlogging. How much my filming techniques have improved, how much my editing has improved, and how much I've improved. I'm in a much better headspace now, and I'm much more confident now than I've been in a long time. I don't think I would've submitted any of my writing to anyone, if I hadn't started vlogging, and I definitely would not have taken my first few rejection letters as well as I did.
       This started off as me talking about skits... Maybe I should start planning these out. Naw. They're going to stay raw. I like em like this.