The BoJack Horseman Show

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, as I'm sure you've noticed. I've been working on a new project and it has been taking most of my focus. However, Netflix dropped season 4 of the outstanding BoJack Horseman last week, so I thought I would talk about it. Honestly, this whole post was birthed from the idea for a tweet, but the show deserves more than just a moderately clever tweet. There have been many articles and reviews written about BoJack, and mine will probably skew fairly close to the rest of them. According to Rotten Tomatoes, the last 3 seasons of Bojack have averaged a 98% rating, and it honestly deserves it. The show is, ostensibly, about an anthropomorphic horse trying to revitalize his acting career in a Hollywood, sorry--Hollywoo full of other anthropomorphic animals and humans. In reality, the show is an unflinching look at the affects of mental illness, drug use, and the societal state of North America. The tweet that sparked this post was about this, something along the lines of: "Five years ago, I would've never believe that the most accurate portrayal of  depression on TV came from an animated horse."

We live in a time where adult focused cartoons allow themselves to focus on dark topics instead of just dick jokes. A few years ago all the adult focused cartoons were in the same vein of Family Guy--crass and shallow. Now we have shows like BoJack Horseman, Archer, and, yeah, Rick and Morty. I would like to go on permanent record to say that BoJack is, by far, the best written and acted of all of those. I could be biased by the fact that I relate more to the characters in BoJack than the others, but I don't care. The writers and cast of the show aren't afraid to show the deep flaws that all the characters have: BoJack is clinically depressed, narcissistic, and an alcoholic, Princess Caroline is so afraid of failure that she pushes everyone away at the slightest hint that she might screw up and has always put her job before everything, Mr Peanut Butter has never had to work for anything but has a crippling need for people to like him, Diane is neurotic and hates when people do things for her--even when they're just trying to be nice, and Todd has no path in life and doesn't know who he is so he tries to be everyone. And those are just the main characters, never mind the lives of the supporting cast (like BoJack's mother, who's past is a major part of season 4 and is incredibly distressing).

The thing that BoJack gets so right about mental illness is that it never really goes away: it's always there, just waiting to make a comeback. Over the course of season 2 and 3, Bojack starts to redeem himself in his eyes. He gets to make the movie that he has always wanted, and he's a big star again. He even starts to like himself, just a little. Then, it goes away. He starts to hate himself again, and he doesn't know why. He has everything that he has ever wanted, and he has a feeling of fulfillment, yet it's not enough. And because BoJack doesn't handle his illness in a healthy way, things go from bad to worse. He puts all of his happiness on getting an Oscar nomination, and when that doesn't happen, he goes on a major, months long drug bender with a former co-star who ends up dying in his arms in some shitty hotel room. Following that, he decides that he doesn't deserve to live anymore. He takes off in his car, and when he's all alone, he floors it and takes his hands off the wheel. But before he crashes, he sees some horses running through the desert, and for a second, he sees what life could be and he stops.

In less depressing praise for the show, it also has the single greatest representation of an asexual character on television: Todd. At the end of season 3, Todd begins to realize that he's not straight, and in a heartbreaking moment he says: "maybe I'm nothing," which is something many aces could relate to. And, during season 4, Todd comes to fully embrace and accepts his asexuality, and even comes out about it to BoJack, who is supportive of Todd. The show even showcased an Ace Meet Up and had Todd hang out with fellow aces. In a television climate where we barely have any queer rep, let alone asexual rep, BoJack Horseman has given an asexual main character, and several ace secondary characters.

I love this show. It has some of the best puns on TV, and deals with important issues in a way that doesn't try to hide the dark side of humanity. Seriously, I cannot overstate how amazing, and important this show is. Which is a weird thing to say about a show about a talking horse and animal pals, but here we are. In 2017, the most human show of all barely has any human characters. Which is probably what makes it watchable.

I'm just gonna throw in some more gifs that I had considered using now.

Being proud

June is nearly over, and with that Pride month comes to an end. I've only written one thing on it so far, and there are various reasons for that which I won't really get into. Evan Edinger recently released a video about Pride month talking about how he isn't proud of his sexuality because it isn't something that he's accomplished, much like how he isn't proud of his height. And while I understand what he's trying to say and do, I kinda disagree. People in the queer community are often the targets of hate and discrimination, much like all minorities, and we must stand up in the face of that hate. And the easiest way to stand up to hate, is to be proud of who you are. So, to Evan, I say this: we need to be proud of who we are, even if we're being proud of something we were born with.

There are a lot of times that I'm scared of being myself, but Pride always gives me a relatively safe space to be myself. I am proud of who I am, but life is a continuous journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance, and I haven't fully accepted all that I am yet. As a non-binary person, I'm not 100% certain how I want to express that, so it's not something that I showcase in my daily life, and possibly it's not something that those close to me even remember or think about. I know I've asked on my twitter for people to use gender neutral pronouns when referencing me, but I have no way of knowing if anyone actually does. It's not like I hear them talking about me to other people, so unless people outright tell me, I have no clue and I'm too 'scared' to ask. By scared, I just mean that I don't want to annoy people by asking them if they're using my preferred pronouns. Which is fucked up. It's my gender, I should be comfortable with asking people to use my pronouns, unless subconsciously I'm not comfortable with my own gender yet. But that's a whole other story for another day.

Pride is a time to be proud of who we are as the queer community. To be proud of everything that we have accomplished, and everything we have survived. It is my personal belief that we, as members of the queer community, should be proud of our sexualities and genders. We have to be, so that future generations can look at us, see all that we've overcame, and see that we can still smile.

Remember, none of us are ever alone. We are a community. We are a family. And we are proud.

A thought on Pride month

It's the seventh day of Pride month, and this is the first time I've mentioned it anywhere. It's not that I'm not proud, and I am planning on participating in it, I just haven't been in the right headspace. Every year during Pride month asexuality is seemingly disregarded by... well, everyone. And that gets so tiring. So many people still believe that the A stands for allies, and so many more don't think asexuality is even real. We, as aces, are constantly being told we're broken, or that we haven't met the right person yet. An asexual friend of mine was just dumped because she didn't want to have sex as often as her partner thought she should, and I wish that that was a rare occurrence, but it is so common. Instead of celebrating asexuality, the month of June usually just highlights the ignorance around it. 

Pride month is supposed to be about people of all genders and sexualities, but it has basically been co-opted by gay men. When you see images celebrating pride, they're happy gay couples or liberated gay men. Occasionally there will be a picture of a lesbian, but mostly pride is for gay men. I mean, the rest of society is for straight men, so why shouldn't pride be for the gay men? 

Obvious snark aside, many people in the queer community feel this way, and it's always a discussion this time of year. Last year, a middle-aged gay man wrote an article where he said all sexualities should just use the term "gay" because it would be easier for him. Listen buddy, that's not how any of this works, okay? I'm not gay, I'm asexual. Do I sometimes like people of my own gender? Sure, but I also like people of other genders, but never in a sexual way. Ergo, I am not gay. Guess I can't use that term. I'm asexual, and I'm sick of the queer community trying to erase me. It's already hard enough to accept being asexual in our hyper-sexual society without the rest of the queer community denying us. 

The pride events I usually go to are in the largest city in my province. A city of roughly 260 000. The first pride I went to there had zero asexual representation. The following year had several asexual people march in the parade, and the year after had a few more. It felt really good to see that representation grow. It felt like validation. Like I wasn't alone, and like I wasn't broken. The sad truth is that I still feel broken at times. I feel like I'm not enough, and that I never will be. I watch romantic movies or tv shows and every romance portrayed involves sex, and sexual attraction. Growing up seeing that, it's easy to understand why so many aces feel broken. Even most queer spaces have an emphasis on sexual relationships (bars and clubs), leaving many aces with nowhere to feel safe. No one's opened up a queer coffee shop (although they should, I would spend all my money there) for people to just hang out at, but every good size city has at least one gay bar. Again, because gay men are the most important part of the queer community. Gotta make sure they're happy, fuck everybody else (even the ones that don't like fucking). 

I want to celebrate Pride month. I want to be able to go to pride events and see asexual people both represented and accepted. I want that every day, but it especially hurts during pride. I'm asexual, and I'm proud of that. Always will be. No matter what. 

We're gonna be okay

                I’ve written about this before, but now seems like a good time to bring it up again. I, of course, am talking about the invisibility of asexuality and of aces themselves. Why now? I could be flippant and just say ‘why not’, but that’s not an honest answer. I’m bringing it up now because a main character on a successful Netflix original series has come out as asexual. BoJack Horseman, the show in question, had the character come out in its third season, which came out in July. I’m writing this to talk about the show, or give spoilers; the simple act of this happening is the reason behind the article. For those wondering, they handled it very well.

                This is a big win for representation, and helps with visibility. Is it enough? Well, no. But the only group on the planet with enough representation is the straight, white, male community. Thank god that base is covered, could you imagine if it wasn’t? All sarcasm aside, this is a good thing.

                For my newer readers (hi), a brief outline of asexuality:

·         It exists

Well, that was easy and brief! Okay, seriously though:

·         Asexuality is when one feels no sexual attraction to anyone

·         It exists on a spectrum where people can experience sexual attraction on very rare occurrences to where people never feel it

·         Asexual people are not broken, and do not have anything medically wrong with them

·         It is not caused by an imbalance in hormones

·         Asexuality does not reflect upon a person’s romantic attractions

·         An estimated 1% of the population identifies as asexual

·         The first recorded reference to asexuality was in 1896, and not on tumblr as some people like to say

·         Some asexual people enjoy sex, some don’t

·         Some asexual people masturbate, some don’t

In the end, asexual people, aces, are a varied group. The only thing all aces have in common is a lack of sexual attraction.

                That sounds super easy to understand. It’s to the point, it’s simple, and there isn’t any really big word in it! And yet asexuality remains one of the least understood and represented sexualities. With the lack of understanding comes the hate, because we all know the human race will automatically hate everything that it can’t understand!  Studies have been done that show aces are often viewed as less than human—even by others in the LGBTQIA+ community. These same studies have shown that the hate asexual people get can be far more extreme than the other sexualities, simply because we are viewed as lacking. All of my asexual friends who are open have received death threats and threats of rape. I’ve received death threats in the past, and I routinely get hate thrown my way. I know this hate is real.

                It doesn’t help that the media misrepresents asexuals as closeted freaks who just haven’t fully developed yet, or as people with mental issues. And then! Just when we think there’s a somewhat good representation, or if there is a hint of it, something bad happens to the character, or they get told that they just need to ‘get laid’. And of course, there are the countless times when asexuality has been confused with celibacy. I’m sorry, choosing to not have sex with people does not make you asexual, it merely makes you a person choosing to not have sex! Ridiculous, I know. One of the biggest examples of this is from the inexplicably still airing Big Bang Theory with their character of Sheldon. Sheldon, who may be asexual, in the early seasons is more focused on his work and his hobbies than having sex and all of his so-called friends mock him relentlessly for this, and take every opportunity to try and make him have sex. And then, because it’s a prime time sitcom and can’t have good and accurate representation, the writers of the show made the character get a girlfriend and become the person his friends had been trying to force him to become.

                Since I’ve come out, I’ve found this wonderful community to be a part of, where I was able to ask questions and grow. The people I have come to know have become like family to me, and some are now my closet friends and confidants. I have written so many words in so many different platforms about how the asexual community is a family, and it is something that I truly believe. In a world that wants to, at the very least, deny our existence, so many aces have remained positive and strong. So many have become these shining lights of positivity to the rest of the community. When the world continuously steps on us, and grinds us under foot, we remain strong. We do not give in and become bitter. We embrace the world, and we educate. We show the world that we are here, and that we are not broken.

                Whenever one of our community falls down, we help them up. Whenever one of our community breaks down in tears because of the words of their peers, we lift them up. I love this community. I love the people in it. I do not love the lies and untruths that people spread about it. I do not love the misrepresentations within the media.

This community is one that I am proud to be a part of. I am proud to be asexual, and I am proud of whatever good I have done for it. I know that some of my pieces have resonated strongly (several of them have been shared thousands of times), and I get messages from people on a regular basis thanking me, or telling me that I am doing good in the world.

I dunno guys, I think we’re gonna  be okay. 

Dear American Apparel,

                Every year around this time, a most magical and wonderful thing happens: the erasure of Asexuality hits full swing! The month of June, pride month, is a time for gays to celebrate being gay, and for allies to celebrate being decent straight people! No one else is important during this time of pride and celebration. Could you imagine what would happen if all the sexualities and genders got to celebrate pride month? The pandemonium it would create in the general public if they had to admit that there was more than just gay and straight? Heaven forbid!

                As a proud _______, I love this time of year! My sexuality, already forgotten about and misunderstood most of the time anyways, is thrown to the curb (more accurately: directly into on-coming traffic), to make way for the ALLIES. That’s what the A stands for anyways, not _______ as some people wrongly state. I can honestly say, those valiant allies deserve a month to celebrate the fact they’re straight and accepted by society! It must be so hard for them the rest of the year! God bless them, those selfless bastards.

                This is all in light of a most thoughtful line of products that American Apparel has released for Pride month. On one particularly cute bag they list: Lesbian/Gay/Bi/Transgender/Queer/Ally. Ah, ally. The most important of all sexualities: the straight ally. If it weren’t for those straight people, none of this would be happening (take however you want)! As an _______, I’m glad ally got put on the bag. They deserve the recognition. And when American Apparel said that they honour the sacrifices and dedication of the brave allies, my heart melted a little. Me too American Apparel, me too. ________ face erasure everyday of their lives, why should/would Pride month be any different! It shouldn’t! Pride should be about celebrating two groups: gay people, and their straight allies. After all, they are the important ones!

                For those you can’t read sarcasm, everything before this was incredible satirical and sarcastic. As an asexual, I am beyond mere frustration and anger when it comes to stuff like this. Most of society doesn’t recognize asexuality, let alone understand it! And then Pride month comes along, and shit like this happens. The month started with a jackass saying everyone should just be called gay, because that made it easier for him, a gay man. Asexual people have been fighting for recognition and respect for as long as the rest of the LGBTQIA+ community! Studies have shown that asexual people get treated worse than other sexualities, and Pride month is always a shining example of that! GLAAD ran a program last year to promote allies and they went as far as saying “A is for Ally!” in their slogan! They at least apologized. American Apparel released a short statement as an apology that basically said this: “Hey, I get your upset. It’s totally cool, I would be too. But allies are just more important than other queer people. Sorry bro.” Ya know what? I’ve said my sarcastic piece. I’ve said this. I only have one more thing to say: Fuck you American Apparel, you’re trash, and your trash (their products) is terrible.

                I lied. I have one more thing: The A stands for Asexual/Aromantic/Agender, not allies. Please accept us, and let us be seen. To my family within the community, I love each and every one of you. You are so valid, and so real! My heart breaks at times like these. Stay strong. 

Discrimination and Asexuality

Being asexual can be tough sometimes. Okay, it can be tough most of the time, lets be honest. We're a minority inside of a minority group. The LGBTQIA+ have been fighting to be accepted for decades, but members within that community often belittle or completely deny the existence of asexuals. We're told that we aren't "gay" enough, that we're "pretty much straight", and that we're just special little snowflakes. It's hard enough as an asexual person to live in this sex-driven society, without the added discrimination from the people who should be family. Yes, I realize there are a lot of people who support us within the queer community, and not everyone denies our existence. Please don't come to me saying that. Obviously I know this.

The sad reality is that people simply can't wrap their minds around asexuality. Asexuality should be one of the easiest sexualities to understand! But it's not. In a sex-driven, sex-filled society, we are the ones who aren't driven by sexual desires and attractions. Mainstream culture boils relationships down to sex, whereas asexual people see relationships as...well, relationships. I have friends within the community who struggle every single day with being asexual because the people around them label them as broken. "Not being sexually attracted to people is wrong." "God wants you to have sexual attraction." "How are you ever going to find a partner?" "You must be pretty fucked up in the head." "That's just a tumblr sexuality, it's not real." And my personal favourite [sarcasm heavily implied], "Five minutes with me and I'll fix that." First off, five minutes is nothing to be boasting about. Second off, fuck off. (sure hope my parents don't read this one) Third off, research into asexuality has been going on since 1896, and as we all know, tumblr didn't come online until 1899 at the earliest.

A lot of people would assume that asexual people are just overly dramatic and sensitive, surely the rest of the queer community has it much worse! But that's not the case. Brock University ran two studies in 2012, one with students, and one with non-students from different countries. These are their results from the study:

We provide evidence that antiasexual bias is a form of sexual minority prejudice, that those prone to prejudice are more prone to antiasexual bias, and that asexuals are targets of dehumanization, avoidance, and discrimination intentions. Further, we demonstrate that bias toward asexuals is either equivalent to, or even more extreme, than bias toward homosexuals and bisexuals. ... Asexuals are the sexual minority that is most clearly considered “deficient” by heterosexuals. ... Although antiasexual bias is a clear component of sexual minority prejudice, it is also unique in that it was repeatedly stronger than bias toward other sexual minorities. Most disturbingly, asexuals are viewed as less human, especially lacking in terms of human nature. This confirms that sexual desire is considered a key component of human nature, and those lacking it are viewed as relatively deficient, less human, and disliked. It appears that asexuals do not “fit” the typical definition of human and as such are viewed as less human or even nonhuman, rendering them an extreme sexual orientation outgroup and very strong targets of bias. [emphasis mine]

That’s hard to read. I got emotional reading it. I have friends that have had to deal with all of that. I’ve dealt with a small amount of it. Recently, a fellow asexual youtuber, Amelia Ace, got attacked in the comments of one of her recent videos with people making comments exactly as the study described.

                It breaks my hearts, seeing this every single day. Having my friends hurt every single day because they’re slowly starting to believe the hate that is levelled against them. Friends who have given up any hope of having a romantic relationship, because our society tells them that sex is a key component to romantic relationships. I have friends who have given up on the idea that they can be happy, simply because they’re asexual and the world tells us we’re broken.

                But we are not broken. There is nothing wrong with us. Society needs to change, not us. Society needs to accept us and embrace us. We are whole, and we are beautiful. Fuck the haters. Fuck the people who tell us we are less than them. Fuck anyone who tries to knock us down into the muck. Every time someone tries to knock us down, we will get right back up. We are stronger than their hate. We have each other. We have the support of our asexual family. Because that’s what we are, we’re more than just a community. We are family.

                According to society we are impossible, so I’m going to end with a quote from Firefly: We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty. 

For more disturbing things the asexual family deals with, please see this article.

More than a Sexuality

     I've come to the realization that my blog views are wildly inconsistent. Like, all over the board. From several hundred in a short time, to maybe a dozen over a week. That's so crazy. I'm writing all of them, I try and put the same amount of effort into them, but still the inconsistency.

     I blame it on the communists. 

     I'm kidding Russia! I don't blame you!

    The posts with the most views are always my ones about asexuality, which I am so happy about! I've written posts on it that have been read by thousands of people! That's my goal! Get the word out there, show the world we exist. At the same time however, I am more than just my sexuality. I don't want to capitalize on just one aspect of my life. I want to showcase all my individual facets. I only wish my "ordinary" posts would receive as much attention. 

     I got sidetracked by my phone and I have lost my train of thought. Drat. 

     I love who I am. I love the community that I am a part of because of my sexuality. I love writing about it and answering people's questions. But I also love science fiction, fantasy, film and television, video games, board games, the outdoors, animals! But whenever I write about those things, no one cares (a slight exaggeration, people are still reading them). I just wish that I could write a post about one of my other passions that would take fire as quickly as my ones on asexuality. 

     I feel oddly guilty at the thought of only writing about sexuality, like I'm selling part of myself out just to gain readership!

    I want to bring awareness, I want bring it into the public spectrum, but it's not everything that I am. I feel like all activists feel this way at some point or another. Anytime someone is fighting for something there is that worry that it will become their whole identity. The world will associate them with their cause and not anything else. Kinda like an actor being typecast, but on a more fundamental level. 

    I want to be known as myself, not my cause. I'm okay with people knowing who I am because of my cause, but they need to know that I am more than that.

    This is all a little confusing, but it's just kinda where my head is at right now, Tomorrow's blog will be different, a little more focused.

    I'm asexual, but I am more than my sexuality. 

Ace Day

      Today, November 26th, is Ace Day. And it is a beautiful, wondrous day! I have loved every minute of it! Seeing all of the tweets, all of the selfies on instagram, and all of the posts on tumblr and facebook! It's been fantastic! Days like this are so important! For so many reasons! Let's list those reasons:

1. Asexuality is all but ignored by most forms of media
2. Young people are wandering around not knowing about it thinking they're broken
3. Asexual characters are treated as jokes who need to be fixed 
4. Asexuality in general is a joke to the many people who thought homosexuality was funny
5. Days like this allow aces to shine in all their magnificent glory
6. It allows people to connect with like individuals all over the globe
7. And mostly, because it gives people confidence to be themselves

People feel safe on days like this because they see countless others going out of their way to celebrate themselves! And it is absolutely beautiful.
       Days like this give people back their hope. Days like this give people strength to carry on. Days like this make people proud to be who they are. I love this community. I love the people in it. I love the things that the people in it have accomplished. And the thing I love most? How much everyone loves each other within it.
      I feel good whenever I talk to someone within the ace community. I feel a kinship and trust with everyone in it, even if I've never talked to them before. That's an incredible feeling. I've honestly never felt more apart of something than I do now. The feeling of inclusion I had within the church pales in comparison.
      I love who I am. I love what I am. And I never would've gotten to this point if it wasn't for this community.
      Gods above, I love you guys. Everyday. Not just today. You guys, each and every one of you, are my family. And I really do love you.
      Lets rock this thing. 

Asexuality and Loneliness

       In today's post I am going to write about loneliness. Not the "no one loves me" kind of loneliness, but the "there's no one like me" kind of loneliness.
       I just did a quick search for Facebook groups on asexuality, I was looking especially for ones that were in Saskatchewan. Finding a total of ZERO, I expanded my search to encompass all of Canada. I found four. And many of them were closed groups where you had to get approved to join, and the ones that were open had regular posts reminding the users to report anyone who was being acephobic. For those who aren't regularly involved within the LGBTQIA+ community, acephobia is much like homophobia, but dealing with asexuality. The reasons these warning have to be continually posted is simple and frightening: the general public doesn't believe in our existence, or when they do, they don't understand. And when the general public doesn't believe or understand something, they mock the people who are part of it.
       This isn't limited to the general public either. I've had members of the queer community ask me ignorant questions, and belittle my experiences as not "gay enough". Obviously this isn't meant to say that everyone is acephobic, on the contrary there are many people who are supportive and have genuinely wanted to learn more about the ace community.
      The sad fact is that so many aces keep it to themselves because they don't want to be questioned or insulted or told that they're broken. The feeling of brokenness is something many aces have in common. Asexuality isn't taught in schools, it's not shown on mainstream television (and when it is most often the characters are treated like jokes or people that need to be fixed), so it is hard for many people to find about it. Many aces, especially teenagers constantly surrounded by hormones and a hyper-sexualized cultures, wonder if they are broken because they are not feeling the sexual attraction that society deems necessary for everyday living! I buried my feelings of brokenness in religion and told myself that my lack of sexual attraction was simply because I was super Christian. It wasn't until I was 24 and stumbling around the internet that I saw a mention of asexuality for the first time. My first thought was not a gracious one. I thought Man, they have names for everything these days! I don't feel sexual attraction, I don't call myself anything! It took me a long time to fall asleep that night because I kept thinking about it, and the next day I spent hours researching it.
      It took some time for me to admit to myself that I was asexual. I wasn't ashamed, I just didn't have the knowledge. I didn't want to admit that I had been lying to myself, covering up my sexuality with other things.
       I didn't want to be honest with myself.
      I didn't want to be alone.
      Asexuality exists in a very small percentage of people: one percent. At most. Studies have said that up to 1% of adults are asexual. Compared to the 10-20% that homosexual or bisexual. We live in a world that barely accepts or understands gay people, and they represent up to one fifth of the entire population! Now imagine how the world reacts to a group of people that make up one one hundredth of the population!
       I have a few friends within the asexuality community, friends that are scattered around the entire planet. Some of them are still trying to come to terms with the fact that they aren't broken, some of them lie to people about their sexuality, while others are actively trying to make themselves "straight" because society says that they should be.
       This summer I was at the fifth largest pride parade in the world. The Vancouver Pride Parade is an event that has over 650 000 people participating, which makes it the largest parade period in Western Canada. In the parade were groups representing the trans communities, the gay communities, the bi communities, the lesbian communities, the fetish communities, allies, two-spirit, non-binary, people representing pan-sexuality. But no one for the asexual community. I had never felt like I was more apart and more separate from something in my entire life. I watched the parade with a super cute lesbian couple and a gay guy. They loved it and gave off great energy. I loved it too, but I still felt left out because there was nothing in the parade, no one in the 650 000, that was representing my community. Once the euphoria of being part of something so large wore off, I felt this immense loneliness.
        About a month and a half before this I had been at the Saskatoon Pride Parade, a parade that was about one percent the size of Vancouver's, and there was a slight difference. There were people in the parade with signs saying they were asexual. Living proof of other asexuals! Right in front of my face! It was amazing! I wasn't alone! In a crowd of thousands, I wasn't alone, yet in a crowd of hundreds of thousands I was. Strange feelings.
          Being asexual is a strange experience. On one hand you're now part of a larger community with people like you, but on the other hand you're also being excluded by larger communities who deny your very existence. All at once you're part of this large community and alone at the same time. The dichotomy of our existence.
        I love who and what I am, I wouldn't change it for anything. But I do feel alone at times, and I would love to have ace friends closer to home. For now I am content with the friends I have around the world. Just knowing that they are out there cuts the loneliness down.
        To any fellow aces reading this, you are not alone, you are not broken. I love each and every one of you. To everyone else reading this, thank you for taking your time to read something that doesn't directly involve you.
       For now, loneliness is just one of the many things that an ace has to accept, but this will not always be the case. Until that day, I love you, and I am here for all of you.

Writing a Memoir: Day ?

Ok. So, I am currently writing a memoir.
Which may be insane considering how low the views are on both my vlog and here on my blog. But I'm doing it anyways. Why? Because I am a damn good writer, and some parts of my life may help people with parts of their lives.
How? You ask condescendingly.
Because my life has been filled with a billion ups and downs and twists and turns, you ass. I've been mega religious, I've felt betrayed by the people I've trusted, I've lied to myself about my sexuality and gender, and I've come (in the process) to terms with who I am. No one is more qualified to write this story than I am, and no one wants it published more than I do.
Do you know what the benefits would be to have an asexual author publish their memoir would be? It would bring asexuality into the mainstream. It would educate the masses on its very existence! It would help those poor youth who think they're broken realize that there is nothing at all wrong with them, and my god I would look good on a book jacket. Have you seen some of my selfies? They're basically calling out for a book jacket to call home!
I'm only 4000 words into this thing, and I'm already getting emotional.
And I need to remember to post here. Because this is helpful. And brings in the views. And money? Anyone wanna give me money? No? Okay...  

This is Halloween, this is Halloween.

Everyone make a scene.
Ok. Got that out of the way.
I love Halloween, The dressing up, the wandering around the community, the sacrifices to Samhain. Just a good time all around. Good clean fun.
This year I'm going as Max from Mad Max. The classic films with Mel Gibson. That costume is just so awesome.
I hope you all have a wonderful and safe Halloween! 

Not a clickbait

I've started daily vlogging.
My friend Matt suggested I challenge myself and try it. I'm on my third day and I am loving it! It's really fun and actually kinda awesome. And it's helping me get over the awkwardness of filming in front of strangers and walking around talking to myself!
"No strange person staring at me, I'm not the crazy person! You're the crazy one!"
Good times.
I'm filming myself typing this right now, talk about pressure. I keep messing up from watching myself type? Ok. Maybe I am the crazy person.
Daily vlogging. Right, That was my topic.
It's going to be interesting seeing how I fill my days this week. Started my new job, which is essentially a desk job. I'm going to have to be extra creative with trying to make my vlogs entertaining. Which I probably need to be doing in my everyday life anyways!
And! With all this newfound free time, I'll be able to actually post on here! Yay! You guys get to listen to my thoughts and read them! How lucky are you all! I'm almost jealous. Almost.
I think that's good for this post. You guys have a great day. Or evening. Whatever it is for you. 

Asexuality and Me: A Call to Arms

So I'm asexual.
You all know that from my vlogs. And my tweets. And my instagram, But that's not enough. How many aces do you know? How many did you even hear of?
Exactly.
This is why I am always bringing it up. Because there aren't many of us. There are a lot of people out there who think they're broken though, People who could be Ace, but no one talks about asexuality, so they don't know it exists.
I felt broken.
For years.
For the majority of my life. And it wasn't until I accidentally stumbled upon asexuality on tumblr that I started feeling better about myself.
I spent days looking up everything I could find on asexuality. I started trying to find other aces on social media. I try to follow every ace that I can on twitter, so if I'm not following you, message me.
As I was discovering my asexuality, I began to re-evaluate my life. I began to look at past events and see them for what they were: a lost person trying to find meaning. Trying to find purpose. It was a hard time for me. I had a lot of pressures on me, and this sudden enlightenment/re-evaluation didn't precisely make things easier.
I started having mood swings and everything. I was pretty hard to be around and I didn't know how to tell people yet. I was working in a small town and living in a smaller one, surrounded by super religious people, close-minded people, and just all around ignorant people. I was scared.
Even now that I'm out publicly, I'm still scared of people finding out and hating me. Or blackmailing me somehow.
That's just the world we live in though.
And I am fucking tired of hearing that as some kind of excuse.
I shouldn't be scared of my co-workers finding out about me. I shouldn't be scared to wear a scarf outside of the city.
Because I look hella good in a scarf.
But I have this rationally irrational fear that's sort of rational.
As a country we're very open-minded, but within the small towns we're just like the rest of the world.
It's time for me to take a more visible stand. Time for me to fight for what I am.
I know my friends will stand with me, but it's easier for them. They're mostly straight and they look the part.
But I'm not, and when I go full-out, I look no where near straight. Scarves, leggings, lip gloss: I look good.
Guess it's time for me to slay.
This was just supposed to be about asexuality. Now it's a call to arms.
For myself.
For you,
For everyone that reads this.
Let's take a fucking stand.

Signed,
Zak Hiscock, October 10, 2015.