A Holiday Letter: 2018 edition

Dear Readers,

I suppose this is a like a Holiday letter of sorts, although I'm not actually sure how those work... Not really a thing my family has ever done. It has been an inappropriately long time since I last posted anything here (January 3rd, 2018). It has not been for a lack of trying, however it has been for a lack of... myself.

This past year has been a trying one, and an exalting one. January saw me at the lowest I've been in an extremely long time, while months later had me at one of my highest highs. Writing this is hard, not because of the subject matter, merely because I have not exercised these muscles in some time, and forming the sentences is literally a struggle. I hate this, but it's my own fault.

I said this was a Holiday letter! I'm pretty sure people usually write these by dividing the letter into monthly sections? Sure.

January:
January was bad. Like I said earlier, January saw me at one of my lowest points. I have been open in the past about my mental health issues, and the struggles that come with. I am bad at being open with my depression, and even worse at dealing with it. Well, January saw me check myself into the local hospital on a suicide watch. It was an exhausting time, to put it mildly. Much of the following weeks and months were a dull blur due to the new medications that I was on. A convenient excuse for not writing!--if I were looking for one. There was a bright spot at the end of January, my roommate Bethany invited one of her co-workers over for some Dungeons and Dragons. Her name was Ashton, and she was (and is) radiant.

February:
My birth month has been historically a bad one for my mental health, but luckily for me there was no way it was going to be worse than January. Bethany surprised me by inviting several friends over, and getting a nice big ice cream cake for my birthday. Ashton, and her brother (who was also now playing dnd with us) were there as well. By this time, Ashton and I were messaging each other constantly, and we were both hoping to become more than friends. I had planned to ask her out to Black Panther as our first date, but because of the medication I was still getting used to, I wasn't comfortable driving, so it ended up being more of a group thing, than a romantic date. We still had a great time though. The pub we went to for supper after the movie was hosting Disney Trivia that night. We do consider this to be our first date, but it wasn't officially anything?

March:
This was the month we officially started dating according to our friends and families. I don't remember too much else about March. I know that this was the month I stopped going to counselling, which was stupid of me. We went to my parents at the end of the month for Easter. Ashton and my parents hit it off quickly, with my mom showing her all the embarrassing childhood pictures.

April:
April started with archery, a skill I used to teach at summer camps. We all went out to our friend Andrew's farm and shot arrows for a few hours. There was still snow on the ground, but the air was starting to warm up, and it felt really good to get outside and do something like that. April also included Ashton and I going to pretty much my favourite restaurant in the province: DeJa Vu Cafe, a chicken joint in Moose Jaw. April also included the release of Infinity War, which ended up being a very emotional date for the both of us.

May:
May marked our first out of province trip as a couple: unfortunately it was to Edmonton to visit her uncle in the hospital (he recovered, and is fine now). While the circumstances around the trip were not exactly the greatest, the trip was still nice, and did provide a nice escape from our every day. And, randomly, my adopted sister Katrina was in Edmonton at the same time, so we had a nice meal out with her. May was always when we began talking about moving in together.

June:
June was the month we moved in together, officially, although if I'm being honest, we had basically been living together for a while at that point. June also marked the beginning of Summer! My favourite season in Canada. I love the outdoors and swimming. I began to drag Ashton out to the local lake as often as I could. We took some amazing photos over the summer at that lake.

July:
July marked the first time we spent significant, well, time apart from each other. I did not like it. That's all I'm going to say about the time apart. Picking her up at the airport felt amazing though, it was hard not to cry when I saw her walk through the gate.

August:
I don't know exactly when I knew that I was going to propose to Ashton, I do know that it was ridiculously early in our relationship (especially since in August our relationship was only 6 months in). On August 4th, I asked Ashton to marry me; she said yes. And as she is currently sitting beside me working on her art, I'm pretty sure she meant it. August, and July before it, had a lot of time spent with friends and at the lake, soaking in as much of the summer heat as possible. August also saw the introduction of Jack-O, an orange tabby that was an engagement present from her parents.

September:
In September, Doug Jones (Star Trek: Discovery, Hellboy, The Shape of Water) touched my beard and it was amazing. I'm fairly certain some other stuff happened in September as well, but that's all I can remember right now.

October:
Our first Halloween. A big one. Turned out, Halloween was super important to both of us. I went as one of my DnD characters, and Ashton went as Hawkgirl. We ended up spending the day in the city with Andrew and his girlfriend, Marin. It was really nice; Ashton and Marin got to go trick or treating (only one house told them that they were too old), and we all got to spend some stress-free bonding time together. Plus we saw a car decked out like Ecto-1, the Ghostbusters' car.

November:
Oddly enough, November is the month I'm having the hardest time recalling. Like, I know stuff happened? Maybe? I don't actually know. Ashton's 28th birthday happened, which I tried my hardest to make as special as possible. Her favourite food is spaghetti, so I made a sauce from scratch, and baked her a french vanilla cake with a maple frosting. We had a bunch of our friends over, hung out and played dnd. It was a good night, one which I hope to top next year.

December:
Well, December is now, so I can't say too much about it yet.

That's it, a whole year distilled into a short letter. A year that began terribly, but ended up being one of the best.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Much love,

50 blogs! Yesterday...

     Yesterday was my 50th blog and nobody told me! You all let me post that mess of a blog that is so not going to get me a sponsorship! No, no, I don't wanna hear that I should've known because there's a counter at the top of the page. This is so on all of you. Not me at all. Nope. Noooope.

     Fine. It may have been slightly my fault... Especially the part where I didn't know what to write about in the first place. But! Now that I know I messed up my 50th blog, I do know what to write about! 

    I started this blog as basically a writing exercise for myself.  A way to make sure I was writing something new on a regular basis. Even just random streams of thought like yesterday! Because it all helps in the creative process. Since its inception however, it has grown into something more than that. It has become something that I actually care about. It's become a place where I can speak my mind and share what's important to me. And where I can post really sarcastic stuff that doesn't actually get read... I've been able to write on topics that really matter! And you're reading them! And sharing them! And hopefully enjoying them even! Between this blog and my tumblr my post on Ace Day has been shared almost 1000 times! That's incredible! Because I submitted something that I wrote for my blog, a magazine has asked me to write for them! The previous sentence doesn't quite fit the flow but I don't care! 

      This goes without saying, but none of this would've been possible if it weren't you, my readers. You have guys have read 50 (51) blogs that I've written! Possibly more if you read my older blogs. And you have stuck around! You care about what I'm saying for some strange reason! 

      Thank you all. From the very bottom of my heart. You guys are amazing. 

      Go watch my vlog now. 

      youtube.com/shran100

      in case you forgot. 

      Love you all! 

      And see you in another 50!

Sorry...

     I am getting so sporadic with these posts... I'm not trying to miss them! Honest, it just happens... I've been getting home so late from work, and I've been so tired that even the thought of writing something puts me straight to sleep. I'm falling so behind! I'm sorry. 

     Maybe I should start posting poetry and short stories on the days I don't have time for original posts... that's probably what they call a good idea. 

     I guess today will just be an update on life? Sure. Why not. I'm enjoying work! It's been fun so far, and I'm getting to do some pretty cool things! The drive is super annoying, and I am still looking into finding a place to stay. But I work this week, and then I'm off for two weeks for Christmas, so there really isn't a point in getting a place there for a week right now, so I will officially start my hunt in the new year! 

     This is so boring, I'm putting myself to sleep. Wow. 

     Go watch my vlogs: youtube.com/shran100 

The Importance of Star Trek

     I forgot to post yesterday... oops. Sorry about that, I just kept getting sidetracked by things. Mainly Star Wars. I mean, very professional, adult things. Yup, not Star Wars at all.

     ahem

     It`s no excuse, I know. I`m very sorry. 

     Anyways, because I started this off with Star Wars I`m going to talk about Star Trek in this blog. Logic! Don`t question my logic, I`m pretty much a Vulcan, so I know more about logic than you. Unless you`re an actual Vulcan... In which case, please message me so we can hang out in space and stuff. 

     Star Trek is very important to our culture and to the modern age. But Zak, you interrupt rudely, it was just a tv show! How is it important?

     Well, ignorant fool, it was a whole franchise of TV shows, 5 live-action with a sixth being worked on, and 12 movies with the 13th coming out next summer. So, not just a tv show. Gosh. Star Trek inspired generations of scientists, philosophers, and politicians. Cellphones were invited because people wanted the communicators from The Original Series. The Next Generation inspired laptops and tablets. Deep Space Nine explored the the human psyche on levels most television would have never dared to!

     One of the most culturally significant aspects of Star Trek comes from The Original Series. It was a show, that during the height of race riots and the Cold War, featured a black woman and Russian man as main characters. Not just main characters either, officers who held crucial positions on the flagship for Earth`s fleet. Uhura became an icon. Young Black girls in the 1960`s got to watch a series every week that showed them that they could do whatever they wanted. Uhura and Chekov showed a future where race didn`t matter because we were all human. 

      One of the most significant, and radical things Star Trek did, was to showcase the first, the very first, inter-racial kiss on television. For the first time in television history, a white man was shown kissing a black woman. It was revolutionary! And ridiculously controversial. 

      And Star Trek stayed controversial. It touched on subjects like same-sex relationships, poly-amorous relationships, racism, xenophobia, PTSD, consequences of war, torture, and so many more. They never did for publicity, all the things came up through clear and consistent story-telling, and were always done with grace.   

       There`s a section of my memoir dedicated to Star Trek where I go in-depth into the personal significance it holds. I love Star Trek. And I will say that it is the most important piece of pop culture ever produced until I fall into my grave. 

      That`s it for today. Tomorrow I have an interview with the longest running film festival in North America, so the tone of tomorrow`s blog will probably hinge on that... 

       

About the refugees

      Ok. News video has been live for almost a day now. I can do this without spoiling it, right?
      Look at these pictures and then tell me that the refugees shouldn't be allowed in Canada:

     I think that first image sends a pretty clear message. A message that so many people are keen on proving correct. Why would you want to approve that message? France was the nation that was attacked, do you know what their response to the refugees was? Keep em coming. France has agreed to bring in even more refugees than they had already pledged to. The one country where it may have been understandable for them to say "no" to the refugees. And they want to bring in more. Because They want to help people. They want to save lives. Almost immediately after the attacks, they pledged to bring in more refugees. That's the human spirit. That's what makes me believe in humanity.

       The hate in the world really pisses me off. 

       A friend of mine told me that he thought I was too harsh in yesterday's video. This was my response: "I get that you thought I was harsh. And that was my goal. These are harsh times, and the people preaching hate aren't listening to people being calm and sensitive. Do you know how many time I've been called a bleeding heart liberal pussy from the times I've tried being calm and gentle with these people? No. You don't. I've tried playing nice. It didn't work." 

       These people need our help. And you know with the roles reversed, that they would be helping us. 

Started Working Out Again

     I started working out again. Today was my first serious work out in about two years, and it feels pretty good. Even the run through blowing snow on somewhat icy streets felt good.
     That said, going for a run with my Scottish Terrier was not my best idea today. She kept stopping to sniff things and I would have to run in place until she was ready to go again. Almost fell a few times too when she decided to stop suddenly while behind me.
     Good times for her, I am sure.
     I was feeling improvements in my flexibility even after this first work out, so I'm excited to see how the progression goes for me! And talking about it in my vlog is a good source of accountability!
     Don't worry, this isn't going to turn into a health and fitness blog, I just felt like sharing this. I feel good right now; I'm a little sore, but it's a good sore. I'm already feeling more energetic too!
      Emailed a couple more agents today, still going strong on that front, hopefully I hear from one soon! It would be nice to know that this risk is paying off. I`m sure it will in the long run, but paying bills isn't a long-term thing. It is shockingly short-term.
      If you're enjoying my blogs, please go and subscribe to my youtube channel: youtube.com/user/shran100
      I post daily vlogs there, a weekly news show, and random special videos about once a month! Please go give me a like on my latest video, and subscribe so you don't miss a thing!  

My Cat

     I'm going to start with saying that I am truly sorry for missing yesterday's blog post. I went my mom into the city for an appointment, and got back far too late for me to write a good post, and I didn't feel like copying and pasting another section of my memoir. That would've been cheating! Two days in a row!
     My mind is elsewhere right now. My fifteen year old cat isn't feeling too good right now, and with her advanced age, whenever she feels a little under the weather I worry in overdrive. Her health is dominating my thought process right now. She's very important to me. I've had her since I was ten, and she a few weeks old. She has been present for all of my major life events, and has been a constant source of comfort for me.
      I've always had cats in my life, but I've never had one in my life as long as Phantom.
      She came home on my school bus.
      Mom was my bus driver, and one of her favourite kids told her about all the kittens running around their farm. So we, being responsible kids needing to get home and do our homework, convinced Mom that we should stop and check out all the kittens. I didn't pick Phantom, she picked me. She climbed on the bus and decided to come home. And she's been with me ever since. She was the cat we brought down to the lake with us in the summer, the cat that most often slept in my bed. When I went to university, I had a picture of her on my desk (I also had pictures of my friends and family, calm down).
      Phantom is very important to me, and frankly I'm scared to lose her. I'm scared to face life without her. Just thinking about it makes me cry.
     I barely got any writing done today, my mind just couldn't stay focused. This small post has taken the better part of an hour, any serious thoughts of writing are inconceivable (that's the first time I've used that word. And yes, Inigo, I am using it properly).
     Anyways, hopefully I can get some serious writing done tomorrow. Hopefully Phantom is feeling 111% better.
   

     Oh! I have my first potential client for Zakitude Consulting! Got that email yesterday. That's exciting. 

Narcissism and Art

     I said yesterday that art and narcissism go hand-in-hand, and I'm here today to explain this probably controversial theory.
     Controversial, that is, to anyone who is not a serious artist, or that invested in the art community.
     Art takes many forms: the various types of painting, sculpting, drawing, writing, poetry, game design, theatre, film, television, etc.. It is all art. What drives all artists, no matter the genre, is the burning belief that they have something to share with the world. They believe that there are people out in the wide world that are interested in what they are creating, and will invest their precious time, and even more precious money, into consuming those creations.

     The average person doesn't think that way. The average person doesn't behave so selfishly to make people spend money on something that could boil down to ink and pulp. But artists do. 

I'm an artist. I believe that there are people who want to read what I write, who want to watch what I film and perform, and I believe that there are people who will experience profound emotions upon experiencing my various works.
     Hell, I'll be extra honest: I know that people will experience emotional revelations from my work.      Because I experience emotional revelations from my work. And if I can experience something like that from the art that I myself have created, I know that other people will. People always experience emotions from something new.
     To be successful in these fields, and I am no where near a success (I will be), you need that undying belief to be able to put yourself in the line of fire. You need to believe that what you are creating is important. Without that belief, whatever you have created will sit on a shelf gathering dust until one of your descendants finds it long after you are dead.
     This insane belief that people want what you're creating helps to deal the stress too, because being an artist, especially at the start of a career, is one of the most stressful things you can do. You know that what you're creating is important and groundbreaking, but is the rest of the world intelligent enough to realize it? Is the rest of humanity advanced enough to realize what is happening? These things are impossible to know until you finally take that leap of faith.
     Devoting your life to your art is a daunting prospect. One that I am facing right now. I know that authors face rejection on a daily basis, I know that many authors struggle for years before they get their first break. Do I have the mental fortitude to do this?
     I'm not a confidant person. I have very low self-esteem. Except when it comes to my work. To my art. I don't give a fuck about what you say about me, but as soon as you mock my art, I will end you. My art is my child. It is what I am proud of in this life. It is what brings me joy. It is what truly allows me to be myself. To be free and escape from the capitalist hellhole that is modern life.
I know that my art is important to the world. I know that the stories I'm going to tell are going to make a difference in people's lives. I know that what I create will be important.
     These beliefs, coupled with the confidence in one's art, is a type of narcissism. A very necessary type. I never argue with people when they call me a narcissist, I simply agree. 

Writing a Memoir: Day ?

Ok. So, I am currently writing a memoir.
Which may be insane considering how low the views are on both my vlog and here on my blog. But I'm doing it anyways. Why? Because I am a damn good writer, and some parts of my life may help people with parts of their lives.
How? You ask condescendingly.
Because my life has been filled with a billion ups and downs and twists and turns, you ass. I've been mega religious, I've felt betrayed by the people I've trusted, I've lied to myself about my sexuality and gender, and I've come (in the process) to terms with who I am. No one is more qualified to write this story than I am, and no one wants it published more than I do.
Do you know what the benefits would be to have an asexual author publish their memoir would be? It would bring asexuality into the mainstream. It would educate the masses on its very existence! It would help those poor youth who think they're broken realize that there is nothing at all wrong with them, and my god I would look good on a book jacket. Have you seen some of my selfies? They're basically calling out for a book jacket to call home!
I'm only 4000 words into this thing, and I'm already getting emotional.
And I need to remember to post here. Because this is helpful. And brings in the views. And money? Anyone wanna give me money? No? Okay...  

Not a clickbait

I've started daily vlogging.
My friend Matt suggested I challenge myself and try it. I'm on my third day and I am loving it! It's really fun and actually kinda awesome. And it's helping me get over the awkwardness of filming in front of strangers and walking around talking to myself!
"No strange person staring at me, I'm not the crazy person! You're the crazy one!"
Good times.
I'm filming myself typing this right now, talk about pressure. I keep messing up from watching myself type? Ok. Maybe I am the crazy person.
Daily vlogging. Right, That was my topic.
It's going to be interesting seeing how I fill my days this week. Started my new job, which is essentially a desk job. I'm going to have to be extra creative with trying to make my vlogs entertaining. Which I probably need to be doing in my everyday life anyways!
And! With all this newfound free time, I'll be able to actually post on here! Yay! You guys get to listen to my thoughts and read them! How lucky are you all! I'm almost jealous. Almost.
I think that's good for this post. You guys have a great day. Or evening. Whatever it is for you. 

Oops

Been a while since I've posted... Sorry guys. I am working on a bigger blog post to go along with Zakitude Specials: Coming Out Ace. Something that builds on it, and gives some more information. 

Works been going good. Mostly. 

I have a bunch of footage to edit, possibly, into two vlogs! Yay!!! 

Anyways, I guess I don't have too much to say right now. Have a good one guys!

Public Service Announcement

Hey guys.
My next video is kinda special. It's actually going to be a special. It's not a vlog. It's kinda my personal story. My journey of self discovery and acceptance. It's long too. Longer than any of my other videos, but it's good! It's emotional, and it's brutally honest. So when it's up in a couple days, please watch the entire thing. And if you never share one of my videos, please share this one. It could really help someone.
Thanks so much,
Love you all,
Z

Sitting here. Alone.

I feel kinda off today. Like I wanna cry, but I don't know exactly why? Anybody else get those days? I think I'm just super stressed about my move, and about the money situation involved with moving. Plus I'm... yeah. Finances are fun. Being an adult is totes the best. #ugh
On the bright side, I finished the final piece of Dragon Age dlc. Which only made me tear up like 5 times. And will be the last new Dragon Age stuff for a while. Shit. That's not a bright side at all. Umm....  Doctor Who starts on saturday! That's a bright side! Saved it.
Other than that, I don't really have too much to offer. It's just a normal Tuesday. I'm going to try to get some filming done, mainly because I look good today. And I almost have enough footage for a vlog. But mainly the looking good part.
Anyways,  have a good one peeps!

Yo-yo's should make a comeback

I'm exhausted and in bed already, but I need to force myself to be more regular with this.
Today's blog didn't happen the way it should have. I was at a friends and I didn't bring my laptop, so I had to edit on my tablet. With some random free editing software that wouldn't save in HD or let me edit the entire vlog. So half got uploaded and I'm going to properly edit the other half tomorrow.
Today was a pretty sweet day, which you'll be able to see on my next vlog, whenever I get time to upload it. Went swimming in only slightly frigid water, and just had some good hang outs.
Ok. This totally counts for an actual blog post. I'm so tired.

I should really write a blog

Sup guys? I know I've been lacking in both blog and vlog updates, but my internet sucks. And the final Dragon Age: Inquisition DLC came... I've only cried twice so far and have played for an hour...  I don't know if you guys have played the Dragon Age series, but you should. It is phenomenal. The writers for it are amazing, and give the games emotional depth that is unheard of in most mainstream games. But I'm not here to post reviews. Maybe I'll start up my review blog up again if I get the time.

New paragraph! Gotta keep up my impeccable English skills with this here new paragraph! English!

Seriously though, I am a writer. And as such, I need to be more dedicated to the craft. Because I love it, I'm just lazy and want instant success. #realmoment. I really want to succeed at this. This whole "zakitude" thing. I think it would be really cool, and I could show off aspects of Canadian life that aren't glamorous, or fancy, just real. Plus this is super fun. And freeing in an odd way.

Anyways, I hope you guys are all enjoying this, I am. I plan on posting more regularly once I have access to faster internet.

First official blog!

Well guys, I decided that I needed a blog to go along with my vlog! So welcome to the first, official, Zakitude blog! I'm at my buddy Tyler's for an all nighter on this chilly labour day long weekend. I don't think I've done one of these since Halo: Reach came out. Which was, sadly,  a while ago now. I should be able to post on here more regularly than on YouTube. Way easier when you don't need to film and edit! Anyways, just wanted to say hey!