177

                One hundred and seventy-seven. That’s how many videos I’ve uploaded in the past year. That’s right, it’s been a year since I began to make regular uploads and share the more intimate aspects of my life with the wider world.

One year of filming my daily life.

One year of challenge videos.

One year of discussing serious issues.

One year of making bad puns.

One year of baring my soul.

And what a year it’s been. I’m going to talk about the changes that have happened, and the impact on my life, but first a thank you. I want to thank everyone who has watched my videos. I want to thank everyone who has read my blog. I want to think everyone who has sent me questions for my Q&A’s. I want to thank Tooch for giving me the topic of the one and only “Choose your vlog” video. I want to thank Matt for igniting the spark. And lastly, I want to thank my friends and family for putting up with my filming and the incessant talking to myself.

I wish I could say that this has been easy, that the filming came naturally, and that I was never afraid to be honest in a video. The truth is, it’s been so hard. Every time I’ve uploaded I’ve been scared. What if people hate it? What if people hate me? Every time I’ve discussed my asexuality I’ve been worried that the wrong people will see the videos and judge me. Every time I swore I was worried my family would see it and tell me to watch my language (the main reason there’s no footage of me playing Mario Kart).

As I filmed myself I became more confident (something I hear that pornstars also experience, so I’m in good company). When I was a teenager I hated my voice. As I aged, the hate calmed into a disliking, but once I began listening to myself speak on a regular basis I came to like my voice. As I discussed more things that were/are important to me, I grew more confident in them. I wasn’t ashamed of my hobbies once I started filming them. I wasn’t worried that people would think less of me for liking Star Trek, reading comics, or playing Pokémon.

I have been filming myself for a year now, and I don’t regret it. The only things I really regret are the days when I don’t film due to some outside factor. The days and weeks that go by without uploads don’t happen because I don’t want to film or edit, but simply because, for some reason, I cannot. The reasons range from the personal to the professional. I wish I could still be daily vlogging, and I will be actively trying to start that again, but there are times in life (especially when one isn’t rich) when daily uploads are just not feasible.

                But I have 177 vlogs, challenge videos, news videos, and rants that the entire world can watch.

There are 177 different adventures, 177 short movies that I have made. And I am proud of them and of myself. Here’s to the next year, and the next 177+ videos.

                Hopefully I’ll still be advertiser friendly (YouTube inside joke). 

100 VLOGS

       Short and sweet today.
      My 100th vlog is up. I love it. I think it's beautiful. Thank you to everyone who submitted, you guys are awesome! Without you this wouldn't have been possible. I feel a little like I'm living a dream right now. Thank you all! The whole thing was a wonderful experience. And, no, I did not eat that whole cake. I've been asked a few times about that.
GO WATCH IT! RIGHT HERE: https://youtu.be/Dsqq-G93yPQ

So, yeah...

     Okay. I talk about this in my vlog a little bit (the one that's going up tomorrow (so spoilers, I guess)), but there is a reason that my last few videos haven't been up to even my ridiculously low standards. And, tbh, the self-deprecating humour is actually part of the problem.
      I've been getting to myself lately. I've been getting under my own skin, and tearing myself down. Meaning, basically and unmetaphorically, that the part of me that says "I can't do this" has been louder than the part saying "I got this." That negative voice is always there, whispering in the background, and usually I can keep it quiet. But, mix in being sick and my SAD (which I've been dealing with for years mostly in secret, so... now it's kinda out there), and I just didn't have the willpower to keep that voice down, and it took over. It steered me into giving up. Into not trying. And, even worse, into thinking that those who always have my back weren't actually there for me. I began shutting down and half assing everything that's important to me. Including this blog, which was completely ignored for a few days. Over the past week, I've put out some of my worst vlogs. All the lessons I've learned since starting them, all of the heart and soul I try and inject, all of that was forgotten as I mindlessly put out basic and soulless content.
      I'm on the home stretch to my 100th vlog and I was putting out utter shit like that! I should be creating some of my best right now! Not my worst. I deserve to make better films than that. You deserve to watch better films than that. I make a promise to you in tomorrow's vlog that I will be giving it my all again. That I will be putting the proper effort and heart into my content again. As I caught up on Casey Neistat's vlogs over lunch, I realized that I want to be creating art on his level. I want to inject the amount of passion into my projects that he does. I started doing some multicamera stuff awhile back, then I just stopped. That was because of that voice. I'm planning of filming some of that tonight. I would've already but one of my cameras is dead... apparently I didn't charge it after last time. Timelapses will be coming. "Staged" shots will be coming back. Perhaps I'll even be confident enough to film in an actual store soon! I'm going to start doing more.
        I always allow myself to become content in my depressed state, even though it makes me sad, I don't want to do anything about it. Not anymore. Saying that, I know full well that tomorrow morning may come finding me lacking the strength to get out of bed. I can make these sweeping declarations, but that doesn't make them true. I need to work for them. I need to power through this. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. And I am not alone. I know that I am not.
        Depression is a bitch. It's an angry female dog that will rip your face off and make sure that you don't care that it's happening. That's a little graphic, but I wanted to justify my use of "bitch". It's true though, metaphor that it is. I've been letting stuff slide and fall apart, and I have just watched it with apathy. I looked at the vlogs I put out this past week, knowing deep in my heart that they weren't up to my standards, and just thought, good enough. I looked at the shorter and shorter run times and didn't care. I told myself they were short because I'm boring and didn't have anything to share. In fact, the only reason I kept posting was because part of me wanted to make sure my 100th vlog came out on time still. Even in the depths of my despair, part of me was still trying to make me do more. To be more.
        I am saying to you here and now, and tomorrow in the vlog in a clip that I've already filmed so even though you're seeing it after this it happened first (holy run-on sentence Batman), that I am going to do better. I am going to be putting out the level and quality of content that I should be. I am going to learn from my previous mistakes. I am going to pull myself out of this and stand strong.
       Thank you. All of you. Those of you who have put up with my shifting moods and everything else without knowing the whole truth. Thank you. I love you all.








***Disclaimer I really shouldn't have to put***
I know everyone has that negative voice at the back of their heads, so don't try and belittle what I'm saying with that. This post isn't about everyone, it's about me. 

Updates on my updates

      I seem to have forgotten to post anything yesterday... My bad. I kinda had a topic lined up and everything.. I was going to talk about how I was filming my 75th vlog, and that it wasn't anything special or groundbreaking because 75 is just a number, and that I was saving the special stuff for my 100th vlog. I mean, I still could talk about that, but it wouldn't feel right. The video is up already, so writing about filming it would just feel hollow. 

      I went on a cleaning binge last night. Felt pretty good. Got pretty much everything cleaned up, except for my dishes, which was especially unfortunate this morning when I realized all of my coffee mugs were in the dishes. Apparently I used all my mugs in two days, which I am both confused and concerned by. That's a lot of caffeine I apparently consumed. 

      I haven't really touched video games for the past couple nights, so I'm hoping to get some game time in tonight before Arrow and editing. Tried playing some GTA the other night, but couldn't connect to the server. Hopefully I can connect tonight and stream it on twitch! Oh yeah, I have a twitch channel! Go check it out, so far I've played Fallout and Battlefront on it, and am hoping to start streaming GTA, Halo, and possible Dragon Age in the near future! I would stream Metal Gear, but I am embarrassingly bad. Chicken hat bad... Anyways. 

      Good solid update, Zak. 

      Thanks. I tried really hard. 

twitch.tv/shran100

Not waking up at 6

    Apparently no one liked my post yesterday. That's just super rude guys. I shared some important stuff! But, whatever. Be like that. I'll just copy and paste it into this post. See how y'all like that. I'M KIDDING! DON'T LEAVE! This will be all new stuff! Promise!
     I haven't been filming much lately, mostly because all I do during the week is drive and work, but once I get a place in the city I will be filming and posting on a more regular basis! Promise! I know you all are really missing my daily vlogs, and my general musings on life therein. I'm also considering streaming on twitch once a week once I'm in the city and have time to play video games (I am so sorry Lara, we'll [redacted] soon!) again. Just another way to expand my brand! Which was a resolution of mine, if you can remember all the way back to that post! I'm also looking at designing some shirts and stuff to sell for my vlog as well. I'm going to have so much more open time once I'm living here. I'll even be able to work on my memoir again! And work on my other writing!
     I'm hoping to have a place starting next week. That's the goal. The dream if you will.
    Honestly, I am so looking forward to not driving nearly 3 hours everyday. That's the biggest thing. And not waking up at 6 am everyday. I could sleep in until 7. And still have tons of time to get ready. That's the dream. Waking up at 7 instead of 6, that has become my dream. Well. Alright. I think I'm okay with that. 

About today's video

     Today, I am tired. Like, exhausted. But that's alright. I published a video today that I am super proud of. It was my fiftieth vlog. I took extra time composing the shots. I took extra editing them to make the video flow and to just seem different and special compared to my everyday vlogs.
     I'm not saying that all my videos aren't special, but I took way more time and put in way more effort for this one because I wanted to make it extra special. While editing, I actually got a little emotional as I began to see the beginnings of the final product.
      I enjoyed the silent film quality it had, once you remove the music it is completely silent other than the opening minute of monologue. I feel that taking away the sound really allowed the visuals to come to the forefront and allow the motions to be seen rather than heard. I'm going to be honest, the shot of my dog, Teasag (pronounced Chessa, it's Celtic), being super excited and running and jumping gave me a lump in my throat. You could see the joy in her actions, you didn't need to hear her paws hitting the floor, you could just see it.
      I think it was a very pure film. It allowed me, as a filmmaker, to try things that I hadn't tried before.
     I think it is a beautiful little film, and I hope you all enjoy it as well.

You can watch it here: https://youtu.be/d5ZVBieqKpA

Taking a leap of faith

Ugh. So my life got flipped-turned upside down and I'd like to take a minute--just sit right there!-- I'll tell you how I came to the idea of starting my own consulting firm.
To be specific, a social media consulting firm. For small businesses. In Saskatchewan. And hopefully the rest of Canada, eventually.
Why have I decided to pursue this? Simple, I like helping people. I like social media. And I like the idea of being my own boss. Plus, the start-up fees are not going to be insurmountable.
Today I'm going to expand upon my very basic plan of:
          1. start consulting firm
          2. post ads for free on kijiji
          3. make money
Very basic. Too basic for me to pitch to anyone.
But that's alright.
Because I'm going to fix that.
I've started my day by reading established social media consultants' thoughts and methods of getting started, and it's been very educational. This is going to be a long and hard process, but I'm ready for it. I don't want to take steps backwards in my life anymore. I am ready to move on and forward. I'm ready to create this better future for myself.
I've discussed it with a few of my friends, and they're on board with it, and willing to help me out with it.
I need a name.
I need clients.
I need to build successes with those clients to garner more clients.
I need a laptop with a battery that lasts more than ten minutes...

I can do this. I know that I can. 

Not a clickbait

I've started daily vlogging.
My friend Matt suggested I challenge myself and try it. I'm on my third day and I am loving it! It's really fun and actually kinda awesome. And it's helping me get over the awkwardness of filming in front of strangers and walking around talking to myself!
"No strange person staring at me, I'm not the crazy person! You're the crazy one!"
Good times.
I'm filming myself typing this right now, talk about pressure. I keep messing up from watching myself type? Ok. Maybe I am the crazy person.
Daily vlogging. Right, That was my topic.
It's going to be interesting seeing how I fill my days this week. Started my new job, which is essentially a desk job. I'm going to have to be extra creative with trying to make my vlogs entertaining. Which I probably need to be doing in my everyday life anyways!
And! With all this newfound free time, I'll be able to actually post on here! Yay! You guys get to listen to my thoughts and read them! How lucky are you all! I'm almost jealous. Almost.
I think that's good for this post. You guys have a great day. Or evening. Whatever it is for you. 

Asexuality and Me: A Call to Arms

So I'm asexual.
You all know that from my vlogs. And my tweets. And my instagram, But that's not enough. How many aces do you know? How many did you even hear of?
Exactly.
This is why I am always bringing it up. Because there aren't many of us. There are a lot of people out there who think they're broken though, People who could be Ace, but no one talks about asexuality, so they don't know it exists.
I felt broken.
For years.
For the majority of my life. And it wasn't until I accidentally stumbled upon asexuality on tumblr that I started feeling better about myself.
I spent days looking up everything I could find on asexuality. I started trying to find other aces on social media. I try to follow every ace that I can on twitter, so if I'm not following you, message me.
As I was discovering my asexuality, I began to re-evaluate my life. I began to look at past events and see them for what they were: a lost person trying to find meaning. Trying to find purpose. It was a hard time for me. I had a lot of pressures on me, and this sudden enlightenment/re-evaluation didn't precisely make things easier.
I started having mood swings and everything. I was pretty hard to be around and I didn't know how to tell people yet. I was working in a small town and living in a smaller one, surrounded by super religious people, close-minded people, and just all around ignorant people. I was scared.
Even now that I'm out publicly, I'm still scared of people finding out and hating me. Or blackmailing me somehow.
That's just the world we live in though.
And I am fucking tired of hearing that as some kind of excuse.
I shouldn't be scared of my co-workers finding out about me. I shouldn't be scared to wear a scarf outside of the city.
Because I look hella good in a scarf.
But I have this rationally irrational fear that's sort of rational.
As a country we're very open-minded, but within the small towns we're just like the rest of the world.
It's time for me to take a more visible stand. Time for me to fight for what I am.
I know my friends will stand with me, but it's easier for them. They're mostly straight and they look the part.
But I'm not, and when I go full-out, I look no where near straight. Scarves, leggings, lip gloss: I look good.
Guess it's time for me to slay.
This was just supposed to be about asexuality. Now it's a call to arms.
For myself.
For you,
For everyone that reads this.
Let's take a fucking stand.

Signed,
Zak Hiscock, October 10, 2015. 

Yo-yo's should make a comeback

I'm exhausted and in bed already, but I need to force myself to be more regular with this.
Today's blog didn't happen the way it should have. I was at a friends and I didn't bring my laptop, so I had to edit on my tablet. With some random free editing software that wouldn't save in HD or let me edit the entire vlog. So half got uploaded and I'm going to properly edit the other half tomorrow.
Today was a pretty sweet day, which you'll be able to see on my next vlog, whenever I get time to upload it. Went swimming in only slightly frigid water, and just had some good hang outs.
Ok. This totally counts for an actual blog post. I'm so tired.

I should really write a blog

Sup guys? I know I've been lacking in both blog and vlog updates, but my internet sucks. And the final Dragon Age: Inquisition DLC came... I've only cried twice so far and have played for an hour...  I don't know if you guys have played the Dragon Age series, but you should. It is phenomenal. The writers for it are amazing, and give the games emotional depth that is unheard of in most mainstream games. But I'm not here to post reviews. Maybe I'll start up my review blog up again if I get the time.

New paragraph! Gotta keep up my impeccable English skills with this here new paragraph! English!

Seriously though, I am a writer. And as such, I need to be more dedicated to the craft. Because I love it, I'm just lazy and want instant success. #realmoment. I really want to succeed at this. This whole "zakitude" thing. I think it would be really cool, and I could show off aspects of Canadian life that aren't glamorous, or fancy, just real. Plus this is super fun. And freeing in an odd way.

Anyways, I hope you guys are all enjoying this, I am. I plan on posting more regularly once I have access to faster internet.