Okay. I talk about this in my vlog a little bit (the one that's going up tomorrow (so spoilers, I guess)), but there is a reason that my last few videos haven't been up to even my ridiculously low standards. And, tbh, the self-deprecating humour is actually part of the problem.
I've been getting to myself lately. I've been getting under my own skin, and tearing myself down. Meaning, basically and unmetaphorically, that the part of me that says "I can't do this" has been louder than the part saying "I got this." That negative voice is always there, whispering in the background, and usually I can keep it quiet. But, mix in being sick and my SAD (which I've been dealing with for years mostly in secret, so... now it's kinda out there), and I just didn't have the willpower to keep that voice down, and it took over. It steered me into giving up. Into not trying. And, even worse, into thinking that those who always have my back weren't actually there for me. I began shutting down and half assing everything that's important to me. Including this blog, which was completely ignored for a few days. Over the past week, I've put out some of my worst vlogs. All the lessons I've learned since starting them, all of the heart and soul I try and inject, all of that was forgotten as I mindlessly put out basic and soulless content.
I'm on the home stretch to my 100th vlog and I was putting out utter shit like that! I should be creating some of my best right now! Not my worst. I deserve to make better films than that. You deserve to watch better films than that. I make a promise to you in tomorrow's vlog that I will be giving it my all again. That I will be putting the proper effort and heart into my content again. As I caught up on Casey Neistat's vlogs over lunch, I realized that I want to be creating art on his level. I want to inject the amount of passion into my projects that he does. I started doing some multicamera stuff awhile back, then I just stopped. That was because of that voice. I'm planning of filming some of that tonight. I would've already but one of my cameras is dead... apparently I didn't charge it after last time. Timelapses will be coming. "Staged" shots will be coming back. Perhaps I'll even be confident enough to film in an actual store soon! I'm going to start doing more.
I always allow myself to become content in my depressed state, even though it makes me sad, I don't want to do anything about it. Not anymore. Saying that, I know full well that tomorrow morning may come finding me lacking the strength to get out of bed. I can make these sweeping declarations, but that doesn't make them true. I need to work for them. I need to power through this. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. And I am not alone. I know that I am not.
Depression is a bitch. It's an angry female dog that will rip your face off and make sure that you don't care that it's happening. That's a little graphic, but I wanted to justify my use of "bitch". It's true though, metaphor that it is. I've been letting stuff slide and fall apart, and I have just watched it with apathy. I looked at the vlogs I put out this past week, knowing deep in my heart that they weren't up to my standards, and just thought, good enough. I looked at the shorter and shorter run times and didn't care. I told myself they were short because I'm boring and didn't have anything to share. In fact, the only reason I kept posting was because part of me wanted to make sure my 100th vlog came out on time still. Even in the depths of my despair, part of me was still trying to make me do more. To be more.
I am saying to you here and now, and tomorrow in the vlog in a clip that I've already filmed so even though you're seeing it after this it happened first (holy run-on sentence Batman), that I am going to do better. I am going to be putting out the level and quality of content that I should be. I am going to learn from my previous mistakes. I am going to pull myself out of this and stand strong.
Thank you. All of you. Those of you who have put up with my shifting moods and everything else without knowing the whole truth. Thank you. I love you all.
***Disclaimer I really shouldn't have to put***
I know everyone has that negative voice at the back of their heads, so don't try and belittle what I'm saying with that. This post isn't about everyone, it's about me.
I've been getting to myself lately. I've been getting under my own skin, and tearing myself down. Meaning, basically and unmetaphorically, that the part of me that says "I can't do this" has been louder than the part saying "I got this." That negative voice is always there, whispering in the background, and usually I can keep it quiet. But, mix in being sick and my SAD (which I've been dealing with for years mostly in secret, so... now it's kinda out there), and I just didn't have the willpower to keep that voice down, and it took over. It steered me into giving up. Into not trying. And, even worse, into thinking that those who always have my back weren't actually there for me. I began shutting down and half assing everything that's important to me. Including this blog, which was completely ignored for a few days. Over the past week, I've put out some of my worst vlogs. All the lessons I've learned since starting them, all of the heart and soul I try and inject, all of that was forgotten as I mindlessly put out basic and soulless content.
I'm on the home stretch to my 100th vlog and I was putting out utter shit like that! I should be creating some of my best right now! Not my worst. I deserve to make better films than that. You deserve to watch better films than that. I make a promise to you in tomorrow's vlog that I will be giving it my all again. That I will be putting the proper effort and heart into my content again. As I caught up on Casey Neistat's vlogs over lunch, I realized that I want to be creating art on his level. I want to inject the amount of passion into my projects that he does. I started doing some multicamera stuff awhile back, then I just stopped. That was because of that voice. I'm planning of filming some of that tonight. I would've already but one of my cameras is dead... apparently I didn't charge it after last time. Timelapses will be coming. "Staged" shots will be coming back. Perhaps I'll even be confident enough to film in an actual store soon! I'm going to start doing more.
I always allow myself to become content in my depressed state, even though it makes me sad, I don't want to do anything about it. Not anymore. Saying that, I know full well that tomorrow morning may come finding me lacking the strength to get out of bed. I can make these sweeping declarations, but that doesn't make them true. I need to work for them. I need to power through this. I am better than this. I am stronger than this. And I am not alone. I know that I am not.
Depression is a bitch. It's an angry female dog that will rip your face off and make sure that you don't care that it's happening. That's a little graphic, but I wanted to justify my use of "bitch". It's true though, metaphor that it is. I've been letting stuff slide and fall apart, and I have just watched it with apathy. I looked at the vlogs I put out this past week, knowing deep in my heart that they weren't up to my standards, and just thought, good enough. I looked at the shorter and shorter run times and didn't care. I told myself they were short because I'm boring and didn't have anything to share. In fact, the only reason I kept posting was because part of me wanted to make sure my 100th vlog came out on time still. Even in the depths of my despair, part of me was still trying to make me do more. To be more.
I am saying to you here and now, and tomorrow in the vlog in a clip that I've already filmed so even though you're seeing it after this it happened first (holy run-on sentence Batman), that I am going to do better. I am going to be putting out the level and quality of content that I should be. I am going to learn from my previous mistakes. I am going to pull myself out of this and stand strong.
Thank you. All of you. Those of you who have put up with my shifting moods and everything else without knowing the whole truth. Thank you. I love you all.
***Disclaimer I really shouldn't have to put***
I know everyone has that negative voice at the back of their heads, so don't try and belittle what I'm saying with that. This post isn't about everyone, it's about me.
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