A thought on Pride month

It's the seventh day of Pride month, and this is the first time I've mentioned it anywhere. It's not that I'm not proud, and I am planning on participating in it, I just haven't been in the right headspace. Every year during Pride month asexuality is seemingly disregarded by... well, everyone. And that gets so tiring. So many people still believe that the A stands for allies, and so many more don't think asexuality is even real. We, as aces, are constantly being told we're broken, or that we haven't met the right person yet. An asexual friend of mine was just dumped because she didn't want to have sex as often as her partner thought she should, and I wish that that was a rare occurrence, but it is so common. Instead of celebrating asexuality, the month of June usually just highlights the ignorance around it. 

Pride month is supposed to be about people of all genders and sexualities, but it has basically been co-opted by gay men. When you see images celebrating pride, they're happy gay couples or liberated gay men. Occasionally there will be a picture of a lesbian, but mostly pride is for gay men. I mean, the rest of society is for straight men, so why shouldn't pride be for the gay men? 

Obvious snark aside, many people in the queer community feel this way, and it's always a discussion this time of year. Last year, a middle-aged gay man wrote an article where he said all sexualities should just use the term "gay" because it would be easier for him. Listen buddy, that's not how any of this works, okay? I'm not gay, I'm asexual. Do I sometimes like people of my own gender? Sure, but I also like people of other genders, but never in a sexual way. Ergo, I am not gay. Guess I can't use that term. I'm asexual, and I'm sick of the queer community trying to erase me. It's already hard enough to accept being asexual in our hyper-sexual society without the rest of the queer community denying us. 

The pride events I usually go to are in the largest city in my province. A city of roughly 260 000. The first pride I went to there had zero asexual representation. The following year had several asexual people march in the parade, and the year after had a few more. It felt really good to see that representation grow. It felt like validation. Like I wasn't alone, and like I wasn't broken. The sad truth is that I still feel broken at times. I feel like I'm not enough, and that I never will be. I watch romantic movies or tv shows and every romance portrayed involves sex, and sexual attraction. Growing up seeing that, it's easy to understand why so many aces feel broken. Even most queer spaces have an emphasis on sexual relationships (bars and clubs), leaving many aces with nowhere to feel safe. No one's opened up a queer coffee shop (although they should, I would spend all my money there) for people to just hang out at, but every good size city has at least one gay bar. Again, because gay men are the most important part of the queer community. Gotta make sure they're happy, fuck everybody else (even the ones that don't like fucking). 

I want to celebrate Pride month. I want to be able to go to pride events and see asexual people both represented and accepted. I want that every day, but it especially hurts during pride. I'm asexual, and I'm proud of that. Always will be. No matter what. 

I did it

     I sent my article in today. I feel... good. I think. I feel good about it. I've been focusing on it in all of my spare time lately, so I haven't had time to post here. I hope it was worth it. I think it was. I'm happy with the way it turned out. I  may have tweaked the conclusion a little more, but overall I feel good about it.
     I was so nervous about it this morning. I printed it off and went over it again and made a few last minute edits. My hands were shaking a little as I went to pick it up from the printer, and I just sat and stared at it for a while. The dreaded red pen, sitting menacingly beside the crisp white paper. My mind was racing, my pulse pounding. What if it was absolute shit? What if I used all the wrong pronouns? What if I messed up on everyone's names? What if, this is the big one, I found out I was a fraud? What if I was a terrible writer? Finally, I slowly picked up the pen and went to work.
    I only made a few changes. Took some phrases out, changed some sentence structure. Nothing earth shattering. I was alright. I saved it under a new name, and I sent it off.
    And now I'm just waiting to hear back, and that is a whole other story. 

Progress for progress sake

    I started working on the body of my article today. I've got it planned out, and quotes chosen, and now it's time to get to work! I'm starting with two less interviews than I planned, and one less than I would like, but my deadline is coming up, and I need to get it done. It's been awhile since I've worked with a word count, it's going to take some extreme editing to keep it around my mark and not wildly over. Contrary to these blog posts, I can be relatively long winded... You're all surprised, I'm sure. Shocked even.
    I showed a friend of mine what I have so far, and she's hooked and excited to read the rest of it! And because of my ego, I'm not going to let anyone else read it in case they tell me it sucks. Other than my editor, because she has to read it before it's published... Maybe I can work out a system where I'm the writer and the editor, and the publishers okay with it. Alas, such a system does not exist and probably should never actually be a thing.
      As I'm working on this article there are a ton of conflicting feelings going through me. I've never been this stressed about something I've written, and I've never been this excited about something that I'm writing! One of my biggest dreams could come true because of this article! And that is so exciting! And one of my biggest dreams could crash and burn because of this article, and that is so stressful.
    I know I have the support of a lot of people, and not just those closest to me! I know the people whom I have interviewed are backing me up to. They want their stories told, they think that it can help people, and they are trusting me to get it out there. It's an incredible feeling.