The new nuclear family

The family is a primordial idea. Wild animals recognize the importance of family groups or packs. With a family, the animals survive; without they perish. In human culture, family has generally been limited to those with whom one shares blood. However, as mankind’s capacity to be horrible to one another knows no bounds, oft-times blood relations can be abusive. Times have changed, and with them so has the concept of family. To my generation, the oft-mocked and belittled millennials, family means a lot more than mere blood relations. To us, people earn the right to be family; it’s not a matter of blood, it’s a matter of shared trust. Maybe it was the pop culture we were raised on, maybe it’s the more accepting and open culture that we are promoting, or maybe it’s just a growing cultural awareness. Whatever the cause, the modern idea of a family is much different than it was in the past.  

To many millennials, family are the people who have your back. They’re the people who are there when one needs them, even if it’s 3 in the morning. Because of this many consider their closest friends to be family, and not just friends. With the advent of instant messaging, we’re able to be constantly in contact with anyone, which allows us to form tighter bonds with people outside of our genetic family. Which is good. Family is evolving along with society. This evolution of family is particularly important for queer people! Not all genetic families are supportive or understanding, and this evolution allows queer people to surround themselves with a family that loves and supports them. 

That’s what defines a real family: love and support. Blood and genetics do not define family. If I limited my family to the genetic relations that love and support me, my family could be counted on a single hand. Fortunately for me, I’ve not done that since I was a teenager. Today my family spans the globe and can be counted on two hands! I honestly don’t know where I would be today without my family, and I don’t know who I would be if I had limited my family to genetics.   

Like most 90s kids, I grew up with a pop culture that highlighted atypical familial units: single parents, adopted families, children being raised by their aunts and uncles. As we aged, the pop culture we consumed changed, but the idea of an atypical family stayed. We began to explore new mediums and new cultures, and our minds grew. We saw and read stories about groups of misfits coming together to form families, we bonded over message boards and fan theories, we encouraged each other behind our keyboards and we evolved the concept of family into something that fit into the burgeoning digital world we were creating.  

Family don't end with blood, boy

                Family is a common theme in many narratives. It’s something that is easy to do and always evokes some sort of reaction from the audience. But what exactly is family? Does family only count those of blood relation, or does it extend passed that? The answer to that isn’t exactly clear, and if you look at pop culture the answer seems mixed. Personally, I believe that family, your real family, are the people you choose.

                In Supernatural, the importance of family is put front and centre in the very first episode (a whole 240 episodes ago) when Dean reunites with his brother Sam to go find their missing father, all the while hunting the demon that killed their mother. Family is kind of a big deal in Supernatural. But as the seasons progress, so does the idea of family. While at the beginning family literally meant blood relations, it soon came to include Bobby (who became a surrogate father to the boys), Ellen (a surrogate mother), Jo, Charlie, Cas (an angel), Kevin (a prophet), Chuck (a writer, and (SPOILER) God), and even Crowley (a demon). The following is one of the most quoted exchanges on the show:

Dean: This isn't your fight.

Bobby: The hell it isn't! Family don't end with blood, boy.

The fandom has taken this and turned it into a way of life. The official name for the fandom is the Supernatural family.

                Bobby’s quote resonated with a lot of people, including myself. Biologically speaking, my family is fairly small, and we’re pretty spread out. Never mind that half of the family doesn’t speak to each other. I always wanted a big family, I wanted to know that there were a ton of people out there who loved me and cared for me, so I made my own. Because family doesn’t end in blood, family is everyone that cares about you.

                A favourite saying of people who think family is blood relations is the old adage: “Blood is thicker than water!” And while that statement has merits, it has been having a rough history as of late. A Rabbi has come forward and said that the original phrase was closer to: “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the waters of the womb.” It’s a statement I personally agree with, however when one does a rudimentary search of the phrase, there is no source of the statement before this Rabbi. Maybe that was the original, maybe this Rabbi has a sense of humour, it’s hard to say and harder to prove. This whole paragraph is basically pointless other than to answer the question of why I didn’t use this quote pre-emptively.

                How I Met Your Mother really took the idea of choosing your family and ran with it. None of the main characters are related by blood, but they were one of the closest families in television history. You knew that they loved each other unconditionally. You knew that they would always have each other’s backs, even when they were fighting. This idea that your friend group could become your family has been instrumental in my own understanding of the concept.

                Family is important. Outside of nourishment and shelter, it’s arguably the most important aspect of a person’s life. The idea that our family is a group of people forced on us by simple genetics is ridiculous. Family is not a title that is given out by right of birth, family is a title that is earned and fought for. A friend—family member!—and I were talking about this the other day, and summed up my beliefs thusly: “Way I see it, you got blood relations, and you got family. Sometimes the blood relations don’t get to be family.”

                When I think of my own family, there are very few blood relations that I would consider to be part of my real family, and I’m not meaning any disrespect towards them, they just aren’t an influential part of my day-to-day existence.  I still consider them family, just not family. Obviously, my parents are part of those I consider to be my true family, and the rest of you know who you are (hopefully).

                Literally a quarter of this was just me talking about Supernatural, and honestly I had to rein myself in. Other pop culture I was going to touch on: Harry Potter, Arrow, Doctor Who and Torchwood, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica (2004), Frodo and Sam (Lord of the Rings for you heathens), Guardians of the Galaxy (Peter Quill and literally everyone), Orphan Black, KillJoys, Dark Matter, Chuck, Stargate SG-1 and Atlantis, and The Expanse. Know what I wasn’t going to talk about? Friends. Those people were not a family (other than Joey and Chandler). 

For Orlando

                Yesterday, tragedy struck the queer community. A lone gunman walked into a gay bar in Orlando, Florida, and committed the largest mass shooting and hate crime in American history. With his legally obtained assault rifle, he opened fire and killed 50 people, severely injuring 53 more. That morning 103 families were woken up to some of the worst news imaginable.

                The pain those families are going through is unimaginable, and the knowledge that their children died because of hate must only make it worse. I’ve always considered the queer community to be a family, because we are, and the news devastated me. I don’t know any of the victims, but yesterday I wept for hours because my family lost 50 brothers. I felt their deaths in my heart, and I wept. I could barely focus, and with each new piece of information, with each new tweet or message of support, my sorrow grew. I was heartened by the love and support I was seeing, but for each message of support there dozens of messages purporting hate. Fundamentalists saying that if “those people” weren’t gay it wouldn’t have happened! Racists coming out of everywhere shouting to get the Muslims out of their country. With each passing hour each side grew in numbers. To top it off, news agencies weren’t even calling it a gay bar. They were trying to downplay the hate crime and make it all about the shooter.

                The shooter doesn’t matter in this narrative, what matters is the people who were lost. Good men with families and friends and lovers. The incalculable number of people who were hurt by the hate. The brave people who went out to the vigils last night. The queer people, who with renewed fear in their hearts, stood proudly in the face of this hate and went out. The people who spent all day yesterday getting any and all information out. And most of all, the victims.

                This attack would be vile anytime of year, but the fact that it happened during pride month, a time when the queer community celebrates and feels safe, makes it all the worse. I was at a pride event on Saturday. I was on a euphoric high all day, and I woke Sunday still feeling the love! And then I saw the news. The transition was jarring. I got angry first. I lashed out at those responsible for the hate. I lashed out at the antiquated gun laws that allowed this to happen. Then I got bitter. And then, finally, I mourned for the loss of those 50 brothers I never got a chance to meet. I sat and wept, quietly and privately, for an hour or so. And then I acted. I spoke about the attack. I shared information. In the end, whatever contributions I made were small, but I did what my situation allowed me to do to help. To everyone who thinks that they did not do enough yesterday, so long as you spread love and support, not hate and bile, you did enough. If you made it through the day, you did enough.

                To the families of the victims, I cannot express my sympathy and empathy. I cannot imagine the loss you are feeling right now. You have my love.

                To the queer community, we are shaken right now. But we showed the world that we can endure horrific acts of hate without turning to violence. We showed the world that no matter what they do to us, we will still stand strong with our family. That we will continue to love and live. We showed the world that we are a family.

                I will continue to mourn the loss of my brothers, and I will live for them. I will go out with a renewed vigor and purpose. I will stand and speak for those who cannot. I will not forget this vicious attack on our family, but I will not react in violence, I will react in love. And I will continue to act in love so long as I live.

                Stay strong. Stay safe.

                All my love. 

Discrimination and Asexuality

Being asexual can be tough sometimes. Okay, it can be tough most of the time, lets be honest. We're a minority inside of a minority group. The LGBTQIA+ have been fighting to be accepted for decades, but members within that community often belittle or completely deny the existence of asexuals. We're told that we aren't "gay" enough, that we're "pretty much straight", and that we're just special little snowflakes. It's hard enough as an asexual person to live in this sex-driven society, without the added discrimination from the people who should be family. Yes, I realize there are a lot of people who support us within the queer community, and not everyone denies our existence. Please don't come to me saying that. Obviously I know this.

The sad reality is that people simply can't wrap their minds around asexuality. Asexuality should be one of the easiest sexualities to understand! But it's not. In a sex-driven, sex-filled society, we are the ones who aren't driven by sexual desires and attractions. Mainstream culture boils relationships down to sex, whereas asexual people see relationships as...well, relationships. I have friends within the community who struggle every single day with being asexual because the people around them label them as broken. "Not being sexually attracted to people is wrong." "God wants you to have sexual attraction." "How are you ever going to find a partner?" "You must be pretty fucked up in the head." "That's just a tumblr sexuality, it's not real." And my personal favourite [sarcasm heavily implied], "Five minutes with me and I'll fix that." First off, five minutes is nothing to be boasting about. Second off, fuck off. (sure hope my parents don't read this one) Third off, research into asexuality has been going on since 1896, and as we all know, tumblr didn't come online until 1899 at the earliest.

A lot of people would assume that asexual people are just overly dramatic and sensitive, surely the rest of the queer community has it much worse! But that's not the case. Brock University ran two studies in 2012, one with students, and one with non-students from different countries. These are their results from the study:

We provide evidence that antiasexual bias is a form of sexual minority prejudice, that those prone to prejudice are more prone to antiasexual bias, and that asexuals are targets of dehumanization, avoidance, and discrimination intentions. Further, we demonstrate that bias toward asexuals is either equivalent to, or even more extreme, than bias toward homosexuals and bisexuals. ... Asexuals are the sexual minority that is most clearly considered “deficient” by heterosexuals. ... Although antiasexual bias is a clear component of sexual minority prejudice, it is also unique in that it was repeatedly stronger than bias toward other sexual minorities. Most disturbingly, asexuals are viewed as less human, especially lacking in terms of human nature. This confirms that sexual desire is considered a key component of human nature, and those lacking it are viewed as relatively deficient, less human, and disliked. It appears that asexuals do not “fit” the typical definition of human and as such are viewed as less human or even nonhuman, rendering them an extreme sexual orientation outgroup and very strong targets of bias. [emphasis mine]

That’s hard to read. I got emotional reading it. I have friends that have had to deal with all of that. I’ve dealt with a small amount of it. Recently, a fellow asexual youtuber, Amelia Ace, got attacked in the comments of one of her recent videos with people making comments exactly as the study described.

                It breaks my hearts, seeing this every single day. Having my friends hurt every single day because they’re slowly starting to believe the hate that is levelled against them. Friends who have given up any hope of having a romantic relationship, because our society tells them that sex is a key component to romantic relationships. I have friends who have given up on the idea that they can be happy, simply because they’re asexual and the world tells us we’re broken.

                But we are not broken. There is nothing wrong with us. Society needs to change, not us. Society needs to accept us and embrace us. We are whole, and we are beautiful. Fuck the haters. Fuck the people who tell us we are less than them. Fuck anyone who tries to knock us down into the muck. Every time someone tries to knock us down, we will get right back up. We are stronger than their hate. We have each other. We have the support of our asexual family. Because that’s what we are, we’re more than just a community. We are family.

                According to society we are impossible, so I’m going to end with a quote from Firefly: We've done the impossible, and that makes us mighty. 

For more disturbing things the asexual family deals with, please see this article.

Christmas is love

    Alright, it's my last day of work before my Christmas holidays start, and I don't know what to blog about. A friend gave me a great suggestion, but I'm probably going to post it after Christmas. Just because it's so not Christmasy.
     Theme. Got it, What makes Christmas for you guys? Or the whatever holiday you happen to be celebrating this December. For me, it's Christmas, so that's what I call it. I'm not trying to force it on anybody or anything, don't worry! But what makes this time of year so special?
     I don't have a cliched answer for this. I can't say that "seeing the whole family makes it wonderful!" because I don't see the whole family. The last time Christmas was more than just me and my parents was close to twenty years ago. The rest of my family lives 2000 km away, which makes it difficult to plan things. I think what makes Christmas special to me is seeing all of the love when you're out in public. I'm not talking PDA here, just people being decent to one another, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas with a smile on their face. This time of year gives me hope that humanity is inherently good, and that we can make it past all the shit that goes on for the rest of the year.
     This hope for humanity is especially important to me this year. There's been a lot of terrible events in the world these past twelve months, and there has been a lot of negativity in my own life this year as well, and things got bleak for me. Everything started looking better as we rolled our way into December: things started working again in my life, and I saw less hate being spread the closer we got to Christmas. I see love and hope this time of year, and the love and hope that I see every Christmas is what helps me get through the twelve months that follow.
      Far too many have forgotten what Christmas is about, or the meaning of Christmas has just got too bogged down in religion and consumerism, but! Christmas, when you get right down to it, when you scrape away the frost (because winter), is about love. Everything about Christmas's origins (not Saturnalia, it only shares a date with Christmas) stems from love. The love of parents seeing their newborn for the first time, the love of a god giving his people a saviour, and the love of other people coming together to celebrate.
      So please, let us love each other this Christmas. Let us put away our hate and mistrust, and our greed and jealousy, and let us love each other. No matter what you believe, or don't believe, we are all on this planet together, and we are all the same species.
     Peace and love. 

Global Family

     I am so behind on these posts omg. I am so sorry. Honest.
     I do have a topic today, it was inspired by a comment a friend of mine made last weekend. I had a quick phone call from a friend of mine from New Mexico (which I forgot, and said she was Cali (sorry)), and after the call another friend asked me why I talk to people all over the place. It's a valid question, and I'm going to go into it here.
     I have friends all over the globe: US, Norway, UK, South Africa, UAE (mostly in Dubai), Australia, Italy, and scattered over other places in Europe. I talk to most of those people on a daily basis. We're important to each other, and have a role in each other's lives. Can be as simple as just a check-in to deep conversations about life to offering encouragement during the dark and confusing times.
      But that doesn't answer the core part of that question. Why do I have friends in other countries? We live in a world where we can instantly connect with people thousands of kilometers (sorry, miles) away. It is amazing and something that should be taken advantage of! And contrary to what some think, being connected to these people through digital means does not take away from the relationships we have with those geographically close to us. We live in a world filled with opportunities, anything we want to do, to create, we can. But it takes connections, it takes networking. I used to hate that thought. I hated that I had to know people to get things done, but now I see it as something beautiful. Networking and connections don't have to be impersonal. You can be friends with the people in your "network", and when they're your friends they aren't just a network of people anymore. You've made your network something more. You've made it into a family that wants to help you, instead of just a list of people you can try to ask for things.
      In the past to be successful you had to be well-liked and respected (or feared if you're a dick) in a certain radius, but now you can successful all-over the globe, and have your next door neighbour not even know your name. We live in this strange paradigm where millions of people know who you are, where you can be a household name in Europe, but in your home country people from the next town over haven't even heard of you.
      This makes it sounds like I talk to all these people out of selfishness, but that's not true. I started talking to all these people for reasons that basically boil down to the fact that I wanted more friends. I didn't want a network, or connections, I wanted a more global family. Everywhere we look these days we see hate. And that makes me so sad, and in my attempt to be a more global citizen I've made friends all over the globe. Could these relationships benefit me in a more businesslike manner in the future? Yes. Is that what they're for? Hell no.
      I guess the basic answer is simply because I want to. I want to have friends in other countries. I want a global family.
      And now I have one. And if any of you are reading this, and you should be, I love each and everyone of you. Even if I haven't said it directly. Thank you for your encouragements, and for being there for me. You are all amazing and wonderful people.