Why do I do those things that I do? Why do I continuously stumble and fall? I am always falling. Even in my getting up I fall. Life has an odd way of reminding one that it is in control. That no matter how good things can look, life can still turn around and make you its bitch.
I'm in a weird space right now, if that intro didn't clue you in. Yesterday I suddenly felt extremely anxious for an unknown reason, and now today I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I'm still waiting for a I forgot what I was writing. I got distracted for a while. And again just now. This post is becoming just super distracted.
Distractions are part of life, he says obviously.
I can't do this today. I can't write something deep and thought provoking. My mind is in pain right now and I don't know why. I can't focus on this. I can barely focus on breathing. I'm actively scared right now. I'm waiting to hear from this new job. I was supposed to hear from them Friday, then yesterday I got an email from them saying they were still deciding. If I get this job then all of my finances will be covered. I'll actually have enough to cover all my living expenses and bills, and have some left over to put aside, and some to have fun with. If I don't get it, I have another month with the festival barely making enough to cover rent and my bills. But they haven't called yet with a yay or nay so I'm stuck in this Schrodinger-esque situation where I both have and don't have this new job. I'm stuck in this position where I both have to and don't have to stress about next month's bills. My mind literally doesn't know if it should be stressed or not, and because of that my stress has gone into overdrive. Everyone keeps just telling me to take a moment for myself, to step out, to go away from people. I wish that I could do that! I wish that I could have a day all to myself where I wasn't worrying about anything other than my own well-being! But I don't get to do that yet. I have to focus on my writing. I have to focus on my filming. I let my filming slide once, and my views have still not recovered. I need to press on, I need to focus on my creating so that it can succeed! If I take the day for myself, right now, where I am right now, I could destroy all the chances I've ever had for succeeding. I wish that I could just throw EVERYTHING behind my creating, just go all-out into that and give it my all, but I know that I can't because I live in a society where money is essential for everything. I live in a society where going into the arts is not a glamorous thing. I live in a society where one cannot become an artist and live well unless they already have money. So until I have that money I must keep my attentions and my mind divided. I must burn at both ends for the chance, the chance!, to succeed and be allowed to focus on aspect at a time. Burning at both ends has a lot of risks, and there are days when those two flames get pretty close, not quite intimate, but close. I think that's my main problem right now. Those flames are too close together, and if they get much closer they'll extinguish each other. Then I'll really be in trouble.
Well. This got a little depressing. Sorry.
I'm in a weird space right now, if that intro didn't clue you in. Yesterday I suddenly felt extremely anxious for an unknown reason, and now today I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I'm still waiting for a I forgot what I was writing. I got distracted for a while. And again just now. This post is becoming just super distracted.
Distractions are part of life, he says obviously.
I can't do this today. I can't write something deep and thought provoking. My mind is in pain right now and I don't know why. I can't focus on this. I can barely focus on breathing. I'm actively scared right now. I'm waiting to hear from this new job. I was supposed to hear from them Friday, then yesterday I got an email from them saying they were still deciding. If I get this job then all of my finances will be covered. I'll actually have enough to cover all my living expenses and bills, and have some left over to put aside, and some to have fun with. If I don't get it, I have another month with the festival barely making enough to cover rent and my bills. But they haven't called yet with a yay or nay so I'm stuck in this Schrodinger-esque situation where I both have and don't have this new job. I'm stuck in this position where I both have to and don't have to stress about next month's bills. My mind literally doesn't know if it should be stressed or not, and because of that my stress has gone into overdrive. Everyone keeps just telling me to take a moment for myself, to step out, to go away from people. I wish that I could do that! I wish that I could have a day all to myself where I wasn't worrying about anything other than my own well-being! But I don't get to do that yet. I have to focus on my writing. I have to focus on my filming. I let my filming slide once, and my views have still not recovered. I need to press on, I need to focus on my creating so that it can succeed! If I take the day for myself, right now, where I am right now, I could destroy all the chances I've ever had for succeeding. I wish that I could just throw EVERYTHING behind my creating, just go all-out into that and give it my all, but I know that I can't because I live in a society where money is essential for everything. I live in a society where going into the arts is not a glamorous thing. I live in a society where one cannot become an artist and live well unless they already have money. So until I have that money I must keep my attentions and my mind divided. I must burn at both ends for the chance, the chance!, to succeed and be allowed to focus on aspect at a time. Burning at both ends has a lot of risks, and there are days when those two flames get pretty close, not quite intimate, but close. I think that's my main problem right now. Those flames are too close together, and if they get much closer they'll extinguish each other. Then I'll really be in trouble.
Well. This got a little depressing. Sorry.
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