One Day

      You know what's hard? Writing a blog everyday while filming and editing, running social media accounts, and working all by yourself. I enjoy it all, which is why I do all of it, but sometimes I feel like I let one or more things slide in favour of another. For example, I put way more effort into my twitter than I do into my Instagram or Facebook. Twitter is the one where I have my largest following, but if I don't give as much focus to my other accounts they won't grow. And if they don't grow, my overall audience won't grow. You see my problem, I'm sure.
       And now that I have a second channel (WQN, pay attention), it just adds another layer to it. I should be starting up at least a second Facebook page for it, but I'm holding off on that simply because I don't want to have another account to run. Ugh. I knew this was going to be a lot of work when I was getting into it. I knew it was going to eat up huge chunks of my time. And I know that if I want to succeed, I have to go 100% in. But I'm holding myself back because there's a little voice in my head that I always listen to that tells me I'll fail. I listened to it when I was going to pursue acting (I've won awards at the provincial level), I listened to it when I had chances to pursue my dreams in Europe, and I've listened to it when it came to my writing. And I'm listening to it right now, as I hold myself back from going fully into this.
     The thought of giving 100% into something that isn't a sure thing is frightening. The fear of failure is a constant specter that hovers over me, influencing and casting shadows over all my decisions. There is a part of me that knows I can succeed, that knows I will succeed--if I could ever pull myself from these phantasms of doubt and give my all.
      One day. But that's the thing, isn't it? It's always "one day", never today. As long as I keep telling myself "one day", I never have to hold myself to it because "one day" just hasn't happened yet. It still will, one day. Maybe I have to stop telling myself "one day", and start telling myself "today". Today is scary though. Telling myself to make those changes today incurs a risk of failure--a risk that one day doesn't have.
      So is today the day that I tell myself "today"? I don't know. Got a lot to do today. I have to film and edit for the vlog. I have research, write a basic script, film, and edit for WQN. I have to eat at some point. I have to pack to head home. I'll always have things that I have to do, that I can conveniently use as an excuse to not say "today". Oh, how I wish I had the courage and confidence to say "today". To say "fuck it" and go 100% into this.
      Maybe one day I will.  

Storms of Doubt

         Moments of doubt plague my existence as they do for everyone. Doubts enter into our thoughts everyday and shadow our every step. They are always there, ready and willing to tear us down given the smallest opportunity. Whether they do or not is entirely up to us.
        My most current wellspring of doubt is bubbling up from my impending move. This move is based on a job for which I am on contract for. I have already signed papers, and began the process of getting the necessities (wifi and HBO) set up. Here is where the doubts come in: my contract expires at the end of April, with very little chance of renewal (not because of my work, simply because this is a nonprofit and funds are limited).  I had always expected that this short renewal (originally my contract was up today) would be it, but I allowed myself to hope and believe that it would be extended once again! Alas, my suspicions were all but confirmed yesterday when my boss talked to me about how I was to be paid over the next month. So, at the end of April, I must begin a search for another job.
        The rental agreement I signed is for a 6 month lease, after the one month left here, that leaves me with five months on my lease. Which leaves me with decisions I must make: do I find a job that pays me enough to live for five months, do I get a job that I will actually enjoy but will leave after five months, or do I resign myself to moving here for the foreseeable future--thereby giving up moving back to the coast? Add to the equation the lack of jobs in the area that are suitably engaging, and the fact that my freelance writing is just starting to take off! You can also add my filmmaking and the decisions I have to make regarding that into the mix. The apartment is affordable right now. With my current wage I can afford it and all of my bills, if I can't find a job that pays the same (or more) then I will not be able to afford everything and continue eating. I can't cut wifi out, I need that for my writing and my filming. I can't cut my phone out for obvious reasons (I need to call people). I can't cut my car out--I live in the prairies, driving is literally a necessity.
         I wish that I could confidently throw my whole lot into my writing and filming and believe that everything will work out for the best. I wish I had the confidence to believe in myself and my art enough. I wish that I could drop everything and fly away from everything and everyone holding me back (including myself). But I can't, and thus my doubts grow.
        Self doubt is nothing new to me, for a very long time I gave up on myself and my dreams. I let myself become the person other people wanted me to become, and at the end of that dark era of my life, there were so many different versions of the entity known as Zak that I couldn't even identify myself. I've spent years digging myself out of that mire, years that left me with a dearth of self knowledge and identity. I have begun the process of pulling myself back together, of finding my identity as the creator--the artist--I want to be! Yet, with every step forward I am plagued with new doubts about the next ten steps. For every achievement I accomplish, doubts fill me about the validity of it, and of the possibility to continue on.
        You may be asking what this all has to do with an apartment, but on the other hand you may have put it all together yourself. In short, all of my doubts come from the same place: me. All of my doubts and apprehensions stem from my self-doubt and lack of faith in myself. As I am moving forward in my life a surge of new doubts and circumstances are threatening to knock me back. Whether I weather (heh) this new storm, or get blown away is entirely up to me.
        I just need to get over years, decades, of self doubt, and believe in myself.
        Easy, right?