Moments of doubt plague my existence as they do for everyone. Doubts enter into our thoughts everyday and shadow our every step. They are always there, ready and willing to tear us down given the smallest opportunity. Whether they do or not is entirely up to us.
My most current wellspring of doubt is bubbling up from my impending move. This move is based on a job for which I am on contract for. I have already signed papers, and began the process of getting the necessities (wifi and HBO) set up. Here is where the doubts come in: my contract expires at the end of April, with very little chance of renewal (not because of my work, simply because this is a nonprofit and funds are limited). I had always expected that this short renewal (originally my contract was up today) would be it, but I allowed myself to hope and believe that it would be extended once again! Alas, my suspicions were all but confirmed yesterday when my boss talked to me about how I was to be paid over the next month. So, at the end of April, I must begin a search for another job.
The rental agreement I signed is for a 6 month lease, after the one month left here, that leaves me with five months on my lease. Which leaves me with decisions I must make: do I find a job that pays me enough to live for five months, do I get a job that I will actually enjoy but will leave after five months, or do I resign myself to moving here for the foreseeable future--thereby giving up moving back to the coast? Add to the equation the lack of jobs in the area that are suitably engaging, and the fact that my freelance writing is just starting to take off! You can also add my filmmaking and the decisions I have to make regarding that into the mix. The apartment is affordable right now. With my current wage I can afford it and all of my bills, if I can't find a job that pays the same (or more) then I will not be able to afford everything and continue eating. I can't cut wifi out, I need that for my writing and my filming. I can't cut my phone out for obvious reasons (I need to call people). I can't cut my car out--I live in the prairies, driving is literally a necessity.
I wish that I could confidently throw my whole lot into my writing and filming and believe that everything will work out for the best. I wish I had the confidence to believe in myself and my art enough. I wish that I could drop everything and fly away from everything and everyone holding me back (including myself). But I can't, and thus my doubts grow.
Self doubt is nothing new to me, for a very long time I gave up on myself and my dreams. I let myself become the person other people wanted me to become, and at the end of that dark era of my life, there were so many different versions of the entity known as Zak that I couldn't even identify myself. I've spent years digging myself out of that mire, years that left me with a dearth of self knowledge and identity. I have begun the process of pulling myself back together, of finding my identity as the creator--the artist--I want to be! Yet, with every step forward I am plagued with new doubts about the next ten steps. For every achievement I accomplish, doubts fill me about the validity of it, and of the possibility to continue on.
You may be asking what this all has to do with an apartment, but on the other hand you may have put it all together yourself. In short, all of my doubts come from the same place: me. All of my doubts and apprehensions stem from my self-doubt and lack of faith in myself. As I am moving forward in my life a surge of new doubts and circumstances are threatening to knock me back. Whether I weather (heh) this new storm, or get blown away is entirely up to me.
I just need to get over years, decades, of self doubt, and believe in myself.
Easy, right?
My most current wellspring of doubt is bubbling up from my impending move. This move is based on a job for which I am on contract for. I have already signed papers, and began the process of getting the necessities (wifi and HBO) set up. Here is where the doubts come in: my contract expires at the end of April, with very little chance of renewal (not because of my work, simply because this is a nonprofit and funds are limited). I had always expected that this short renewal (originally my contract was up today) would be it, but I allowed myself to hope and believe that it would be extended once again! Alas, my suspicions were all but confirmed yesterday when my boss talked to me about how I was to be paid over the next month. So, at the end of April, I must begin a search for another job.
The rental agreement I signed is for a 6 month lease, after the one month left here, that leaves me with five months on my lease. Which leaves me with decisions I must make: do I find a job that pays me enough to live for five months, do I get a job that I will actually enjoy but will leave after five months, or do I resign myself to moving here for the foreseeable future--thereby giving up moving back to the coast? Add to the equation the lack of jobs in the area that are suitably engaging, and the fact that my freelance writing is just starting to take off! You can also add my filmmaking and the decisions I have to make regarding that into the mix. The apartment is affordable right now. With my current wage I can afford it and all of my bills, if I can't find a job that pays the same (or more) then I will not be able to afford everything and continue eating. I can't cut wifi out, I need that for my writing and my filming. I can't cut my phone out for obvious reasons (I need to call people). I can't cut my car out--I live in the prairies, driving is literally a necessity.
I wish that I could confidently throw my whole lot into my writing and filming and believe that everything will work out for the best. I wish I had the confidence to believe in myself and my art enough. I wish that I could drop everything and fly away from everything and everyone holding me back (including myself). But I can't, and thus my doubts grow.
Self doubt is nothing new to me, for a very long time I gave up on myself and my dreams. I let myself become the person other people wanted me to become, and at the end of that dark era of my life, there were so many different versions of the entity known as Zak that I couldn't even identify myself. I've spent years digging myself out of that mire, years that left me with a dearth of self knowledge and identity. I have begun the process of pulling myself back together, of finding my identity as the creator--the artist--I want to be! Yet, with every step forward I am plagued with new doubts about the next ten steps. For every achievement I accomplish, doubts fill me about the validity of it, and of the possibility to continue on.
You may be asking what this all has to do with an apartment, but on the other hand you may have put it all together yourself. In short, all of my doubts come from the same place: me. All of my doubts and apprehensions stem from my self-doubt and lack of faith in myself. As I am moving forward in my life a surge of new doubts and circumstances are threatening to knock me back. Whether I weather (heh) this new storm, or get blown away is entirely up to me.
I just need to get over years, decades, of self doubt, and believe in myself.
Easy, right?
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