So there was no blog yesterday. Got a little swamped and didn't have time. Okay, done with that.
Today is the last day of March, and it's snowing. Big wet flakes of the stuff slowly drifting down from the heavens, coating the earth below. It's almost beautiful in its purity, and if this was late November I might even have had nice things to say about it! But it's March 31st. And it's snowing. I have no nice things to say about it.
My new apartment is big and empty and I don't know how to deal with it. I've been going to bed earlier and earlier just so I don't have to deal with the emptiness. I can close my bedroom door and pretend that my room is the extent of things. I like having my own place. I can decorate it how I want, I can watch what I want, but it's lonely... Which is something I never ever thought I would be complaining about! I think what's really getting to me is the lack of noise. The place is silent unless I actively make noise, and because I'm in a new building, I'm nervous about playing any music too loudly. Which is an odd thing to be nervous about as the apartments are soundproofed. I watched Ant Man last night at a low-to-reasonable volume, and I kept turning it down every time something loudish happened.
I don't have internet yet either. Which means that I can't distract myself with multiplayer gaming with my friends, and half of the games I have to finish need an internet connection to play (thanks DRM)! So even when I'm gaming, I'm alone with my thoughts. I have a lot of stressors in my life right now, stresses that I'm not going to get into here, and without distractions they have become the sole focus of my thoughts. I can't even upload my videos unless I do it at work, and this computer is so old that everything moves at 1/4 speed while stuff is uploading which makes it almost impossible to get any work done!
I should be excited. I have a new place, all to myself! Instead I'm stuck wallowing in this pool of self pity and self destruction without a rope to pull myself out. Instead I go to bed at 8 and read until I can justify falling asleep.
I know I'll get used to it all in time--the silence and the emptiness--but it hasn't happened yet. Instead I just have this hole that seems to be getting bigger and bigger. You know what they say: every time one thing goes right, twenty things go wrong.
Today is the last day of March, and it's snowing. Big wet flakes of the stuff slowly drifting down from the heavens, coating the earth below. It's almost beautiful in its purity, and if this was late November I might even have had nice things to say about it! But it's March 31st. And it's snowing. I have no nice things to say about it.
My new apartment is big and empty and I don't know how to deal with it. I've been going to bed earlier and earlier just so I don't have to deal with the emptiness. I can close my bedroom door and pretend that my room is the extent of things. I like having my own place. I can decorate it how I want, I can watch what I want, but it's lonely... Which is something I never ever thought I would be complaining about! I think what's really getting to me is the lack of noise. The place is silent unless I actively make noise, and because I'm in a new building, I'm nervous about playing any music too loudly. Which is an odd thing to be nervous about as the apartments are soundproofed. I watched Ant Man last night at a low-to-reasonable volume, and I kept turning it down every time something loudish happened.
I don't have internet yet either. Which means that I can't distract myself with multiplayer gaming with my friends, and half of the games I have to finish need an internet connection to play (thanks DRM)! So even when I'm gaming, I'm alone with my thoughts. I have a lot of stressors in my life right now, stresses that I'm not going to get into here, and without distractions they have become the sole focus of my thoughts. I can't even upload my videos unless I do it at work, and this computer is so old that everything moves at 1/4 speed while stuff is uploading which makes it almost impossible to get any work done!
I should be excited. I have a new place, all to myself! Instead I'm stuck wallowing in this pool of self pity and self destruction without a rope to pull myself out. Instead I go to bed at 8 and read until I can justify falling asleep.
I know I'll get used to it all in time--the silence and the emptiness--but it hasn't happened yet. Instead I just have this hole that seems to be getting bigger and bigger. You know what they say: every time one thing goes right, twenty things go wrong.
No comments:
Post a Comment