What we do in the dark often betrays who we truly
are. When there is no one around to see, when the cameras are put down, and the
sun has gone to rest, the truth always comes out. This may seem inherently
negative, but I assure you that is not the case! Many times that true self is
someone that is more selfless and courageous than some that is selfish and
cowardly.
It was at night, for instance, that I discovered my
neighbour’s predilection for dressing in elaborate costumes and cleaning the
street that ran in front of our houses. Every second night, at an hour that
most should be asleep, my neighbour would appear in the street bedecked with a
bright cape, tights, a masquerade-style mask, and an extremely tight t-shirt.
He would then walk up and down the street picking up any trash he could find,
and would dispose of it in an exaggerated manner. For weeks, I watched this.
Sometimes he looked like he was simply doing it out of habit, while other times
it looked like he was having the time of his life—the one constant was his
costume. It never changed. In his mind, he was acting the hero. In my mind too.
I worked the graveyard shift at a local gas station
when I was younger. I would see a lot of…interesting people come out at night.
A lot of drunks, a lot of druggies, and others of questionable morals. But
there was one woman who came out at night and just shone. She was the local
lawyer, and kind of disliked by large portions of the town, but every night she
would come out and bring food and blankets to the less fortunate members of the
community. She always came alone, and as soon as she caught people watching her
or trying to sneak a picture, she would leave the area—only to come back later
to finish. She didn’t want the accolades, she didn’t want fame, she just wanted
to help people.
Here’s the thing: I always have more respect for the
people who go out of their way to help others without being seen, than those
people who need the cameras to be on them whenever they lift a finger for their
fellow man.
But who am I when the lights go out? Who am I when no
one is around to see?
I watched my neighbour clean the street for weeks
before getting bored and moving on to something else. I watched the lawyer give
all she could to the less fortunate before ceasing to care about it. I went on
with my life, living it as I had for years.
What did this make me?
A person who watched others do good in secret, yet
did none of my own?
Or by observing these secret acts, do I give them
validation?
These thoughts plagued my sleep, and gave me waking
nightmares. What would I be remembered for? Did that even matter? Even amidst
my thoughts of selflessness, I concerned myself with selfish thoughts.
Who was I when the lights went out? I liked to
believe that I was a good person, but did my deeds ever match my thoughts?
I thought back.
All my acts of charity had been done in full sight of
those around me. All my giving was done where I could be seen. I wanted people
to know when I was doing good. I went out of my way to ensure that people would
see my kindness.
So what did that make me?
Who are you when the lights go out?
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