Opening Up

I’m supposed to be putting some form of new content up every week day. It was something I challenged myself to in an attempt to hone my skills. Lately I’ve been failing at it. A mixture of work, stress, anxiety, and just not feeling worth it, has basically crippled my creative process. It hurts me when I can’t write, which makes even harder for me to start. All the days I’ve missed posting? I had started writing things that just got thrown to the wayside. I couldn’t finish them, and, hell, I didn’t really want to.

                That’s what happens with depression though. It strikes randomly and makes the things we usually love feel empty and hollow. We still enjoy those things; we just can’t feel that enjoyment at the time. A lot of the time, I lose all my ambition and sit just staring at a blank wall, trying to figure out why. The answer never comes, because there isn’t one. My writing suffers during this, my social life suffers during this, my vlog sure suffers during this, and I suffer during this. My personal suffering takes a backseat to the suffering of my art. I worry more about it than I do myself during these times, because it is usually the thing that makes me feel better.

                I close myself off, usually, and react hostilely to, what I feel are, invasive personal questions. Most often, these are just generic pleasantries, but in my depressed state everything becomes more than what it seems, and I don’t want to share with anyone. And I don’t want people to worry about me. I know everyone has their own problems, so I shut up about mine until they become something way larger than they ever should have been, and it causes me to break down. I’ve had so many times where something small and inconsequential will cause me to simply give up because of all the other shit I’ve pushed down. The phrase, “the straw that breaks the camel’s back”, is one that I often relate to on a very deep and meaningful level. Sometimes the straw that breaks my back is something as small as not being able to find my keys, or not having any clean socks.

                It’s odd, being broken by such small things, when the big stuff appears to leave me unfazed. But you learn to hide things, to keep them out of sight and out of mind. There are very few people that know I suffer from depression. Some of them only know because they started piling stuff on me during an extremely harsh episode, while others know only because they suffer from it as well. Keeping it hidden comes from my need to keep everything buried down. As long as people assume everything is okay with me they won’t treat me differently, but as soon as they find out they start walking on eggshells. Which annoys the hell out of me, and only adds to the many emotions playing havoc inside of my head.

                I’m not writing this now to garner sympathy. I’m merely writing this to let others know that they are not alone. I know that sounds horribly cliché, and to outsiders maybe it is. But to the people suffering from depression, it’s a life line. I never feel more alone than when I’m in the midst of a depressive episode, and just knowing that there are countless others out there helps immeasurably. So I’m writing this now. I’m writing it for the people who look up to me. I’m writing it for the people who look down at me. I’m writing it for everyone, so that they can see that anyone can be affected. And most of all, I’m writing it for me. To get this weight off of my chest. Mental health problems are nothing to be ashamed of, and those suffering them should not be labelled outcasts and freaks. I need to let go of the stigma to be free of it. I need to stop believing the people who think depression and anxiety are fake. I need to embrace who I am, fully, and I need to be open about it. That being said, if anyone reading this reaches out and asks me how I’m doing, my honest answer will be that I am doing fine. That’s not a lie. I genuinely am doing fine. The world is not ending for me.

                To anyone reading this who is dealing with mental health: there is help. There are hotlines you can call. Friends and family who love you. Websites where you can message trained professionals. And there’s probably a cute cat or dog somewhere nearby that you can pet.

Partners for mental health Crisis Centre locator: http://www.partnersformh.ca/resources/find-help/crisis-centres-across-canada/

Kids Help Phone: 1-800-668-6868

There are many more options, but most are for specific regions of the country. You can always look online for resources specific to your area.