My Pastor from High School passed away New Years Eve. He was a fairly large influence on me during those years, and a lot of my morals probably came from him. He was the reason I got to be a camp cabin leader when I was 13. He was the reason I got to change so many lives for the better. He made me want to be a better and more spiritual person. I don't have any memories of him getting angry, even at the really exasperating kids at camp. He was always calm and collected. Plus he knew magic tricks and taught me how to saw people in half.
I had a spiritual crisis during my third year of bible college and I fell away from the Church. I had a lot of personal reasons for wanting away from religion, and I had some negative experiences with leaders in the Christian community right before I fell away. I was angry, and I was emotional. So I left. Soon after my Pastor got really sick and had to retire. He had a bunch of surgeries and it looked really bleak for a while. I watched everything from the sidelines, I still cared about him, but I was scared to get back in contact with anyone from my old church. It had been too long, and I was scared people would be disappointed with me.
This was all years ago, and I had pushed all these thoughts to the back of my head and forgot about them.
And now a man who had such an influence on my life is dead, and I cannot remember the last time I even spoke to him. I can't remember the last words that we exchanged; that last tidbit of advice he gave me. I was so caught up in my own emotions that I never stopped to ask for help from the one person who probably could've helped, and now I'm never going to get that chance again.
The funeral is tomorrow, and I know that I should go. And I am. But, I have all these fears and anxieties about seeing all the people I used to go to church with. I haven't seen or spoken with them in years. I know I have to go for him though. My feelings of anxiety can't overrule that. I owe it to him to go,
I had a spiritual crisis during my third year of bible college and I fell away from the Church. I had a lot of personal reasons for wanting away from religion, and I had some negative experiences with leaders in the Christian community right before I fell away. I was angry, and I was emotional. So I left. Soon after my Pastor got really sick and had to retire. He had a bunch of surgeries and it looked really bleak for a while. I watched everything from the sidelines, I still cared about him, but I was scared to get back in contact with anyone from my old church. It had been too long, and I was scared people would be disappointed with me.
This was all years ago, and I had pushed all these thoughts to the back of my head and forgot about them.
And now a man who had such an influence on my life is dead, and I cannot remember the last time I even spoke to him. I can't remember the last words that we exchanged; that last tidbit of advice he gave me. I was so caught up in my own emotions that I never stopped to ask for help from the one person who probably could've helped, and now I'm never going to get that chance again.
The funeral is tomorrow, and I know that I should go. And I am. But, I have all these fears and anxieties about seeing all the people I used to go to church with. I haven't seen or spoken with them in years. I know I have to go for him though. My feelings of anxiety can't overrule that. I owe it to him to go,
To say the good bye I never got a chance to say.
To apologize for leaving without explaining why.
To let him know he meant something to me.
To say good bye for the final time.
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