Another thing on #NationalComingOutDay

                I’ve come to the realization that I, a writer, have never actually put to words my coming out. I’ve spoken about in videos, and I have mentioned my sexuality in other posts and articles, but I have never actually written down my coming out. Since it is #NationalComingOutDay, and my pumpkin spice latte is empty, I thought that today would be a good day to do so.

                I am asexual, and my journey towards that discovery was long. I won’t bore you with that journey as this is the story of my coming out, and not of my entire life. I discovered asexuality through tumblr, also known as the modern encyclopedia, and I immediately felt a connection to the term. I dismissed that connection at first and scoffed at the very idea! By the next day I was reading every article I could find on the subject. With each article I read, things made more sense. After a few days of research and reflection, I came out to myself as asexual.

                I didn’t rush out and tell a bunch of people right away. I wanted to understand things first. After a while, I did tell a few close friends just so that I didn’t have to process it all by myself. Around this time of slowly coming out, I began to look at my gender identity as well. Was I male? Was I something else? I never had the opportunity to explore my gender before, and now, with my research into sexualities, I was able to explore the idea of gender. I was learning so much about myself, now that I actually allowed myself to question things!

                I slowly began to tell more people, and soon I was tired of just telling people individually; it was too time consuming. So I did what anyone from my generation would do: I tweeted about it. And posted on Facebook and Instagram.

                Soon I was getting messages of love and support from the friends that didn’t already know. It felt so good. Of course there were people who didn’t understand, but no one was outright rude or mean. I got the expected “so ur a plant lol” from some people, and a few asked me if I thought about what would happen to my “social standing” now that I was out. One person even asked me if my friends were worried that other people would think they were like me.

                Over all, my coming out was smooth. Most of the questions were polite and genuinely curious. Most of the comments were positive and supportive! It could’ve gone a lot worse, and I was scared that it would. But it didn’t. I took my time. I did it in a place where I felt comfortable, and at a time when I felt I was ready.

#NationalComingOutDay

                Today is National Coming Out Day! Which can be a very exciting time for those who come out today! And for those of us who have already, it is a day to celebrate with others. I’ve written before about the amazing freedom that comes with coming out, and I’ve written about the perils as well.

                I didn’t come out on National Coming Out Day, I came out on my own terms and at my own time. I was planning on coming out as non-binary today, but I couldn’t keep that to myself any longer, so I did it at an earlier date. And that’s kinda what I want to talk about. Not me or my coming out, but coming out in general.

                Today could be the day you come out. Maybe the feeling of comradery and solidarity is what you needed to be able to come out. And that’s awesome! But, the main thing you need to be before coming out is ready. This can mean multiple things! It can mean that you know you’ll be safe, that you’re comfortable with telling people, and that you want to do it.

                Never come out because of a day on the calendar. Don’t do it to be part of the hashtag. Do it for yourself. Do it because you’re ready. And do it because you want to. Coming out is possibly the most personal thing you will do, and could even be the most important. So do not rush it. Don’t be pressured into it. Do it for yourself, on your time!

                And don’t come out as an ally. Today isn’t for that. I mean, sure, congrats on being a decent human being who supports equal rights, but don’t use today for that.  

A serious talk that starts with a Monty Python quote

                In Monty Python’s classic film, The Life of Brian, there is a line in the closing musical number that remarks: “Life’s a piece of shit/When you look at it”. Which can be far too true for most people, and if the song had ended there, it would’ve been a depressing reminder of the futility of existence! But the song doesn’t end there, it goes on to say: “Always look on the bright side of life,” then there’s a jaunty bit of whistling to lift the spirits. You could say that it’s always easy to look on the bright side when stuff is working out, and you would be right! But the people singing this song (dozens of them) are all in quite the predicament! They’re all being crucified. Yet they’re still trying to look on the bright side of things!

                I know, I know, this is just a movie by a British comedy troupe. There wasn’t actually a dude named Brian that everyone thought was Jesus, and dozens of people being crucified definitely didn’t have time to sing a jaunty tune (they were too busy being in excruciating (see the connection? CRUCIfication:exCRUCIating) pain. But the message is still valid! Even in the most terrible and horrible and painful of times, there is still light! There is still goodness even in times of horrific evil! We just need to find it. And that can be so hard! Especially with how the world is today; the media/news always focuses on the bad stuff going on, and never on the good. Whenever a tragedy strikes the media focuses on the death toll, and not the numbers of people going out of their way to help. Yes, the death toll is important, but so are the people helping.

                A remarkable thing happened after the Pulse shootings: people started coming out publically. People who had been scared to come out their entire lives, people forced into the closest by family or religion, people who have been abused and attacked because of their sexuality or gender; all of these people started coming out. They saw this tragedy strike at the heart of their community, and they knew they had to do something. The bravery that it must have took to come out after something like this boggles my mind. These people, through their direct actions, showed those who want to hurt us and keep us down, that we cannot be kept down. That we will continue to fight for our right to exist and love no matter what happens! And that we will fight with love! not hate.

                When I came out, there was no tragic even to spur it on; I simply came out because I was ready. These people came out to show strength and to give hope. I had tears in my eyes as I looked at all their beautiful faces. I felt pride swell in my heart as I read their stories. For many of them, coming out was a selfless act: they only did it to spread hope and love. That these people are doing this is an amazing and wonderful thing.

                Yeah, life is a piece of shit when you look at it. You just gotta find that bright spot. It is there, it might be buried, it might be hidden, and sometimes it’s right in front of you.

The thing about gender

     There are so many topics I want to discuss today. The fact that Mississippi still has segregated schools for one, and some more personal topics for another. There are days where I have something planned, then I read the news and I get upset. Other days I have things planned and a friend will say something that inspires me to write. Today both happened, and now I am torn between the two.
     Terrible transition!
     Gender is a complicated and fluid thing. A fact that many people in the States are coming to know rather well. As you know, a number of States have passed transphobic and homophobic laws under the guise of religious freedoms. As a result of these laws, transgendered individuals are either being forced to break the law, or use the wrong washrooms. Another result is that many businesses have pulled out of those States; including corporations like Disney, Coca-Cola, and PayPal. Even the federal government has stepped in and said they will pull funding from those States unless they repeal those laws. To most States, this is a large concern, and they are seriously considering repealing these backwards and regressive laws. Texas on the other hand, basically did the most Texas thing ever and told the federal government to, paraphrasing very slightly here (probably toning down the language tbh), fuck off. Even here in Canada, I hear whispers of people agreeing with those States. Whispers coming from religious fundamentalists, whispers from red necks, and even whispers from those who should know a little better. The part that bothers me the most, the part of me that studied to be a pastor, is the reaction of Christians. Specifically the Christians who are supporting the law. Christians have one rule, literally Jesus only gave his followers one rule: love everyone. How is supporting a law that demeans and dehumanizes people showing them love? To speak an off-topic truth: Christians today are by far the most bigoted and hateful group in North America, and that makes me so very sad.
       Many people believe that the fluidity of gender is a modern construct: a thing millennials/tumblr invented so that people could feel special. Those people are kinda morons. The idea of gender fluidity, and being born in the wrong body goes back centuries. The First Nations people (Native Americans to my friends south of the border) have long held the belief that there are four genders (feminine woman, masculine woman, feminine man, masculine man), and those are the tribes with rigid gender roles. Early European explorers in North American wrote of those they considered to be male wearing the clothes of females, and doing the work of females. Today, those people are labelled two-spirit by the First Nations people. For centuries there have been people who have had to hide their true selves out of fear, simply because they did not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. That trend continues today. With boys being mocked for playing with "girl's toys", or for not enjoying sports or for enjoying the wrong sports! With girls being mocked for being too "boyish", and not being "girly" enough, getting called names for enjoying sports historically played by men. We are all human beings, and we should be treated as such no matter the gender we identify with!
       So many people are afraid to come out about their gender. So many people are scared of being fired from their jobs, of being kicked out of their homes, of being left alone, that they remain hidden. And with the advent of these new laws in the States, that fear has just become greater. Stories are always emerging of transgendered people being fired, abused, hurt, killed, after they come out. Those fears are the reasons that I rarely speak about gender issues, let alone come out publicly about my own.
      Until now. I've taken a stand for asexuality. I've taken a stand for feminism. Yet I've stayed quiet on gender issues out of a selfish fear. So today I take that stand. I do not identify as the gender I was assigned at birth, I identify as non-binary. What that means, very basically, is that I identify with both feminine and masculine ideas and traits. As I tick off metaphorical boxes for both those genders, I identify as neither of them. I am just as comfortable wearing completely masculine clothes as I do in clothes that are considered feminine. I look ridiculously good in a scarf and some colourful leggings, and a little bit of make-up really makes my eyes pop, and stand out. For years I have played, whenever given the choice, as a female character in video games and would just tell people it was because I enjoyed stories about strong females, or that I would rather look at a female avatar for 60+ hours than a male one. The truth is simply that I was able to relate more. That relatability spread over to my friends and social circles as well. Even at a young age, I related with females more than males. Even today, the people I have no trouble sharing personal issues with are all female. I have male friends, even some I would consider to be best friends, but I will always hesitate in sharing personal things with them. And I'm sorry for that, it has nothing to do with you, but the people I unhesitatingly open with are all female, and always have been.
        If I want to be honest with myself, if I want to be effective in my stands, if I want to be true to my beliefs, I have to be out and honest with my gender. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of what I am. Now I have to be honest about it. There is a very select few who knew most of this before now. To my friends and family who are learning of this from this very post, know that I did not tell you personally out of slight, but out of a need to just get this all out quickly.
       For those of you who may be disgusted by this, and want nothing to do with me now, know that your departure from my life will mean literally nothing to me, and that I am far better off without your hate and bile.
       To everyone else, I thank your for your continued love and support. And, if on occasion, you want to call me Zoe, feel free. 

The Perils of Coming Out

      Let's talk about coming out. I'm not telling you my coming out story again, I mean let's talk about the emotions and reservations, and fears and hopes that people have with their coming out. Because there is a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes with coming out. There's a lot that doesn't necessarily get talked about. So, let's talk about it.
      Coming out is an emotional experience, no matter how it is received by the people around you. If the reaction is positive, you're on cloud nine! You're feeling the love that is surrounding you, and you're getting beautiful messages of support. If the reaction is negative, the feelings become mixed. You're feeling free because you get to be yourself now! but at the same time, you're wondering if you should've waited because now people aren't talking to you, your family could hate you now, and you could be genuinely frightened for your life. All those negative feelings are magnified if you come out as a teen. You've got your classmates to worry about, teachers to worry about, family, friends, society. And if you live in certain parts of the world, families are legally allowed to disown you, forcing you onto the street. There is a frightening statistic out of the States, that 25% of homeless youth there are queer, and the majority of that 25% are homeless because they came out to their parents/guardians and got kicked out.
       As a queer person, thinking about coming out, you know all the horror stories. You have friends who came out to a negative response. You know the numbers of queer people with depression and suicidal thoughts. You know the community faces persecution from almost all sectors of society. You know that the persecution doesn't just come from religious fundamentalists, but that it can come from everyone no matter what they believe. And you know that no matter what country you live in, you can face hatred and violence for just being the person you were born as.
      So why come out? What makes the risks worth it?
      The freedom. As a queer person, we've learned to lie to everyone around us. We've learned to hide our true nature. We wear so many different masks on a given day, that we can lose ourselves, and we do this just to stay safe. Coming out allows us to take these masks off. It allows us to be ourselves all of the time, instead of just in our homes and with close friends. We look at all of the risks, we know that they could happen to us, but we know what we get when we finally come out: freedom to be true to ourselves. Groups throughout history have fought for freedom time and time again. People have sacrificed their lives for freedom. People willingly die for a chance to be free. And that's why we come out, even in the face of hardship, pain, banishment, and death. We come out for freedom.
       Even with knowing why we're doing it, it's still a scary thing. It can take days to build up the courage to tell that first person, even after deciding that it is time. For me, I told people through text because I was too scared to come out in person in case the person reacted negatively. I talk about it in my vlogs a lot, but again that's not really in person. I can't have a conversation about it in real time. I'm in this weird limbo with my coming out, I'm out in the most public way possible (hello YouTube and blogs), yet I have no idea if the people I see everyday have any idea that I'm not straight. So I'm out, openly, but do people actually know? Because of this ambiguity I'm still living like I'm half in the closet. I'm out, but. I've got my freedom, but. I still get uncomfortable speaking to people face to face about it, because with each new person the fears become fresh and relevant again.
       Coming out is a daunting prospect, and it's something that we shouldn't really need to worry about anymore, but it seems like it's becoming something that we need to worry more and more about with each passing year. I mean, North Carolina just passed possibly the most homophobic and transphobic law in modern times! And NC is in the country that literally prides itself on freedom! Instead of being something that you can feel comfortable with, coming out has become something you need to think about and plan. You need to time it. You have to be careful with it. And most importantly, you have to feel safe about it. Which sounds ridiculous! We need to feel safe to tell someone that we life a different gender(s/no gender) than what is societally expected of us!
        Straight people, even allies, can never fully understand how daunting it is to come out. They've never had to worry about it, because they're straight, and religions and culture constantly tell the world that being straight is right. Being something other than straight is just wrong and something to be fixed. That's why gay conversion therapies still exist, even in Canada.
       But, god, it feels so good when you finally come out. When you finally can be honest. That freedom feels so good, even when it paints a target on your back. Being able to walk out your front door, 100% you, is an amazing feeling. And that's why coming out is worth the risk. A life hiding, is not a real life at all.