The thing about gender

     There are so many topics I want to discuss today. The fact that Mississippi still has segregated schools for one, and some more personal topics for another. There are days where I have something planned, then I read the news and I get upset. Other days I have things planned and a friend will say something that inspires me to write. Today both happened, and now I am torn between the two.
     Terrible transition!
     Gender is a complicated and fluid thing. A fact that many people in the States are coming to know rather well. As you know, a number of States have passed transphobic and homophobic laws under the guise of religious freedoms. As a result of these laws, transgendered individuals are either being forced to break the law, or use the wrong washrooms. Another result is that many businesses have pulled out of those States; including corporations like Disney, Coca-Cola, and PayPal. Even the federal government has stepped in and said they will pull funding from those States unless they repeal those laws. To most States, this is a large concern, and they are seriously considering repealing these backwards and regressive laws. Texas on the other hand, basically did the most Texas thing ever and told the federal government to, paraphrasing very slightly here (probably toning down the language tbh), fuck off. Even here in Canada, I hear whispers of people agreeing with those States. Whispers coming from religious fundamentalists, whispers from red necks, and even whispers from those who should know a little better. The part that bothers me the most, the part of me that studied to be a pastor, is the reaction of Christians. Specifically the Christians who are supporting the law. Christians have one rule, literally Jesus only gave his followers one rule: love everyone. How is supporting a law that demeans and dehumanizes people showing them love? To speak an off-topic truth: Christians today are by far the most bigoted and hateful group in North America, and that makes me so very sad.
       Many people believe that the fluidity of gender is a modern construct: a thing millennials/tumblr invented so that people could feel special. Those people are kinda morons. The idea of gender fluidity, and being born in the wrong body goes back centuries. The First Nations people (Native Americans to my friends south of the border) have long held the belief that there are four genders (feminine woman, masculine woman, feminine man, masculine man), and those are the tribes with rigid gender roles. Early European explorers in North American wrote of those they considered to be male wearing the clothes of females, and doing the work of females. Today, those people are labelled two-spirit by the First Nations people. For centuries there have been people who have had to hide their true selves out of fear, simply because they did not identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. That trend continues today. With boys being mocked for playing with "girl's toys", or for not enjoying sports or for enjoying the wrong sports! With girls being mocked for being too "boyish", and not being "girly" enough, getting called names for enjoying sports historically played by men. We are all human beings, and we should be treated as such no matter the gender we identify with!
       So many people are afraid to come out about their gender. So many people are scared of being fired from their jobs, of being kicked out of their homes, of being left alone, that they remain hidden. And with the advent of these new laws in the States, that fear has just become greater. Stories are always emerging of transgendered people being fired, abused, hurt, killed, after they come out. Those fears are the reasons that I rarely speak about gender issues, let alone come out publicly about my own.
      Until now. I've taken a stand for asexuality. I've taken a stand for feminism. Yet I've stayed quiet on gender issues out of a selfish fear. So today I take that stand. I do not identify as the gender I was assigned at birth, I identify as non-binary. What that means, very basically, is that I identify with both feminine and masculine ideas and traits. As I tick off metaphorical boxes for both those genders, I identify as neither of them. I am just as comfortable wearing completely masculine clothes as I do in clothes that are considered feminine. I look ridiculously good in a scarf and some colourful leggings, and a little bit of make-up really makes my eyes pop, and stand out. For years I have played, whenever given the choice, as a female character in video games and would just tell people it was because I enjoyed stories about strong females, or that I would rather look at a female avatar for 60+ hours than a male one. The truth is simply that I was able to relate more. That relatability spread over to my friends and social circles as well. Even at a young age, I related with females more than males. Even today, the people I have no trouble sharing personal issues with are all female. I have male friends, even some I would consider to be best friends, but I will always hesitate in sharing personal things with them. And I'm sorry for that, it has nothing to do with you, but the people I unhesitatingly open with are all female, and always have been.
        If I want to be honest with myself, if I want to be effective in my stands, if I want to be true to my beliefs, I have to be out and honest with my gender. I am proud of who I am. I am proud of what I am. Now I have to be honest about it. There is a very select few who knew most of this before now. To my friends and family who are learning of this from this very post, know that I did not tell you personally out of slight, but out of a need to just get this all out quickly.
       For those of you who may be disgusted by this, and want nothing to do with me now, know that your departure from my life will mean literally nothing to me, and that I am far better off without your hate and bile.
       To everyone else, I thank your for your continued love and support. And, if on occasion, you want to call me Zoe, feel free. 

The Perils of Coming Out

      Let's talk about coming out. I'm not telling you my coming out story again, I mean let's talk about the emotions and reservations, and fears and hopes that people have with their coming out. Because there is a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes with coming out. There's a lot that doesn't necessarily get talked about. So, let's talk about it.
      Coming out is an emotional experience, no matter how it is received by the people around you. If the reaction is positive, you're on cloud nine! You're feeling the love that is surrounding you, and you're getting beautiful messages of support. If the reaction is negative, the feelings become mixed. You're feeling free because you get to be yourself now! but at the same time, you're wondering if you should've waited because now people aren't talking to you, your family could hate you now, and you could be genuinely frightened for your life. All those negative feelings are magnified if you come out as a teen. You've got your classmates to worry about, teachers to worry about, family, friends, society. And if you live in certain parts of the world, families are legally allowed to disown you, forcing you onto the street. There is a frightening statistic out of the States, that 25% of homeless youth there are queer, and the majority of that 25% are homeless because they came out to their parents/guardians and got kicked out.
       As a queer person, thinking about coming out, you know all the horror stories. You have friends who came out to a negative response. You know the numbers of queer people with depression and suicidal thoughts. You know the community faces persecution from almost all sectors of society. You know that the persecution doesn't just come from religious fundamentalists, but that it can come from everyone no matter what they believe. And you know that no matter what country you live in, you can face hatred and violence for just being the person you were born as.
      So why come out? What makes the risks worth it?
      The freedom. As a queer person, we've learned to lie to everyone around us. We've learned to hide our true nature. We wear so many different masks on a given day, that we can lose ourselves, and we do this just to stay safe. Coming out allows us to take these masks off. It allows us to be ourselves all of the time, instead of just in our homes and with close friends. We look at all of the risks, we know that they could happen to us, but we know what we get when we finally come out: freedom to be true to ourselves. Groups throughout history have fought for freedom time and time again. People have sacrificed their lives for freedom. People willingly die for a chance to be free. And that's why we come out, even in the face of hardship, pain, banishment, and death. We come out for freedom.
       Even with knowing why we're doing it, it's still a scary thing. It can take days to build up the courage to tell that first person, even after deciding that it is time. For me, I told people through text because I was too scared to come out in person in case the person reacted negatively. I talk about it in my vlogs a lot, but again that's not really in person. I can't have a conversation about it in real time. I'm in this weird limbo with my coming out, I'm out in the most public way possible (hello YouTube and blogs), yet I have no idea if the people I see everyday have any idea that I'm not straight. So I'm out, openly, but do people actually know? Because of this ambiguity I'm still living like I'm half in the closet. I'm out, but. I've got my freedom, but. I still get uncomfortable speaking to people face to face about it, because with each new person the fears become fresh and relevant again.
       Coming out is a daunting prospect, and it's something that we shouldn't really need to worry about anymore, but it seems like it's becoming something that we need to worry more and more about with each passing year. I mean, North Carolina just passed possibly the most homophobic and transphobic law in modern times! And NC is in the country that literally prides itself on freedom! Instead of being something that you can feel comfortable with, coming out has become something you need to think about and plan. You need to time it. You have to be careful with it. And most importantly, you have to feel safe about it. Which sounds ridiculous! We need to feel safe to tell someone that we life a different gender(s/no gender) than what is societally expected of us!
        Straight people, even allies, can never fully understand how daunting it is to come out. They've never had to worry about it, because they're straight, and religions and culture constantly tell the world that being straight is right. Being something other than straight is just wrong and something to be fixed. That's why gay conversion therapies still exist, even in Canada.
       But, god, it feels so good when you finally come out. When you finally can be honest. That freedom feels so good, even when it paints a target on your back. Being able to walk out your front door, 100% you, is an amazing feeling. And that's why coming out is worth the risk. A life hiding, is not a real life at all.