Some times when I made funny jokes!

I like to think of myself as a slightly humorous person. I’d like to think that my writing and videos accurately reflect that. In honour of how funny I am, today’s post is going to be a list of my top 7 (I’m just being too lazy to find links for the times I was funny in videos) funniest moments (plus I’ll explain why the jokes are funny; always the best part!)!

7: The time I made Spongebob joke

                I’m gonna be honest with y’all: I have never watched an episode of Spongebob 4x90°pants in my life. And yes, that math joke took way longer to write out than it should’ve, but that isn’t the joke this entry is about! That’s right; this article is going to be funnier than the time that Patrick burnt down the whole time in a fit of coke-fueled rage. Again, I’ve never watched the show, I’m just assuming that happened at some point or another.

                Here’s the real deal though:

Mixing classic tumblr style humour with the playful antics of Spongebob, truly I am a saint.

6: The time Ramsay Bolton nee Snow liked my tweet:

                If you’ve known me for any amount of time, or looked at my twitter feed on a Sunday night, you’ll know one fact about me: I somewhat enjoy the global pasttime that is Game of Thrones. And by somewhat enjoy, I mean that I can discuss the fan theories like a pro, and debate whether or not the interest charged by the Iron Bank of Braavos is fair or not.

                Without spoiling too much, Ramsay was not a delightful person. He did however love his dogs and kept them well fed—by feeding them people. He killed, maimed, and raped often. And he tried to kill fan favourite Jon Snow. Just an all around bad guy. He was even more hated than Joffery, by some fans.

                And then the actor, Iwan Rheon, got cast as Hitler in a production about Hitler’s time as an artist. Everyone was making jokes about this, so of course I jumped right on the ol’ bandwagon!

Bonus points for my awesome profile pic.

5. The time I made fun of Kylo Ren:

                Another thing you’ll know about me, is that I am a huge nerd. Especially when it comes to science fiction. Now, as a disclaimer, Star Trek is better than Star Wars, but this joke is all about Star Wars.

                When we first saw Kylo Ren’s lightsaber, we all had a good long laugh about it. Cross guards made out of lasers on a laser sword? LOLK. After watching the film, we all felt a little stupid for making fun of the lightsaber, because we found out there was so much more to make fun of than just that. Honestly, the saber is like the least funny thing about Kylo Ren. Unfortunately, this joke went for the low-hanging fruit that was the lightsaber.

I mean, it was still a pretty solid joke. Hopefully Disney didn’t take it too seriously though.

4. The time it got a little too real:

                I write a lot about sexuality and gender identity. It’s something that is important to me, and to the entire world. Representation is something that is needed, and is crucial in showing the queer community that there is nothing wrong with them.

                Unfortunately, straight people still think that being straight is the best, and that remembering other things exist is just far too much work. After all, wearing khaki and golfing takes all their energy. Plus, who’s going to watch all the Adam Sandler movies? Too much? Oh well.

                One time, a friend forgot that I wasn’t straight. Moments after I had sent a link to a video chronicling my coming out story. But don’t worry! She had a valid excuse, and I had an even more valid retort:

Ah, the causal sarcasm as I threw her words back at her. While this may not be the funniest thing I’ve said, it’s one of the things I am most proud of. Straight people, am I right?

3. Just to lighten things up, the time I made fun of my sister’s texting:

                Millennials, the laziest group of people to ever exist, right baby boomers? Them and their texting and activism, don’t they know that they should just be cynical and work jobs that they hate so they can buy houses in a market that your generation wrecked? God. Anyways, millennials love to text! I can confirm this because I am sending 243 texts right now! As I type! Amazing!

                Kat, as she describes herself, is a basic bitch. A white girl. And texts like one af. As evidenced by this short and sweet exchange of ours:

I apologize for the appalling language. Everyone knows I only swear while playing Mario Kart and Halo. Blue shells and lag, my language kryptonite.

2: A topical Pokémon Go joke!

                No article these days is complete without at least one PKGo (as the cool kids call it) joke or reference. And by all ‘eevee’dence, I sure am up on the trends. I’d be a piece of ‘trubbish’ if I didn’t squeeze in a few Poképuns. Honestly, I could just start using tree puns, and everyone would think I was making clever jokes about the professors in the franchise.

                My joke might be a ‘jolteon’ the old system, but I think if I put the ol’ ‘charmeleon’, you’ll enjoy it! Okay, I’m done, here’s the original joke. All 151 of em:

Those Poképuns hurt my brain.

1. The time I made an inappropriate joke:

                Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I do make some inappropriate jokes. And sometimes they are hilarious! Other times, they came out during Cards against Humanity, and left me feeling bad. This is not one of those times!

                The final joke contains no pop culture, no vulgar language, and no funny pictures. Just words. Please, enjoy:

So good. So pure. So funny. 

On writing

       To write is to impart pieces of your soul onto the medium. With each word one is giving the opportunity to peer within the writer's mind. With every word, the reader learns more about the writer. With every stylistic choice, a writer displays their morals and their values. Writers, more than most, bare the entirety of their souls. Anyone in the world can read what is written and have intimate knowledge of the writer.
      To be a writer requires a sort of courage, and to be a successful writer it requires self-sacrifice. To be successful one has to bare their entire soul for the world to see. What the world actually sees of this, is up to them and their intuitiveness.
      The prospect of writing is a daunting one. The idea of going full in and exposing your true self to the entirety of existence is intimidating! It should frighten everyone. That is why there are many people who write, yet so few writers. It is easy to pick up a pen and throw some meaningless words down on paper! Words soon to be forgotten, yet words nonetheless! A writer pours themselves into their words. A writer gives themselves completely over to the words, and loses themselves in them. A writer loses much in the pursuit of writing. They can lose their friends, their family, their sanity--but to a writer these are all acceptable losses. And they are temporary losses. During this time of metamorphosis from person to writer the true person is revealed, and as they are revealed, so too are their true friends and family.
       Writing is a process that takes time and dedication. Writing is art, and as all artists know, art takes years and years of practice. Even those naturally gifted in art take years and years to reach their peak. Writers can write for decades before they have a single publication, and even then, that doesn't mean that they are successful, but writers carry on. Through every setback, a writer will get back up and carry on.
       "But how," you cry, "can we know a writer's true voice when it changes from piece to piece?" The same way you know your friend's voice even when he is using a different tone, or speaking to someone else! All the different tones and styles a writer uses are simply showcasing the different voices they use in their day to day lives. A more laid back tone signifies the writer is at ease, and that the topic is casual, while a more serious and collected tone signifies something of import!


       Or, much more likely, the writer is simply bored and had a wish to sound pretentious. 

Edgar the Turtle

     I think it's short story time. So here is a children's fairy tale I wrote about a turtle named Edgar. Enjoy.

In a small village by the forest there lived a turtle. Now, this was no ordinary turtle, you see his shell was made of the leaves of the forest and of the flowers of the meadow. And his eyes! He had the most wondrous eyes, you see! If you looked close enough you could see the waves of the nearby lake. Edgar was a caring turtle, always playing with the village children and warning the townsmen about storms brewing on the lake.  

Everyone loved Edgar, he was even elected mayor of the small village. He ushered in a time of prosperity and peace for the region, which sounds ridiculous since Edgar was a turtle. Obviously the village was quite distraught when they woke up one spring afternoon to find him missing. They searched everywhere! They looked high and low! And while high and down. They checked his frequent stops and even his in-laws. And when they grew extremely desperate they asked his wife, Esmeralda. She hadn’t seen him in three days, nothing out of the ordinary.  

They tried to organize search parties, but without Edgar’s guidance they ended up having a lovely picnic while occasionally calling out his name. In between courses of course. This went on for three days until the picnic food began to run low. Unfortunately they were forced to begin eating their feasting foods. That night they tried to set up the great silk party pavilions, but without Edgar, they didn’t know how to. So they turned it into a giant blanket! By morning, the silk was ruined. Fat and grease stains covered every inch of the thing.  

It had been four days since Edgar disappeared, and the townspeople were growing concerned. Concerned enough to actually focus on their search and look outside of the village. They still didn’t know how to divide into smaller groups so they walked out into the forest in a large mob, trampling the meadow, and breaking the saplings.  

They walked under the branches and over the fallen trees, they tried calling out to him, but they ended up having a singing contest and a mushroom eating contest. After that last one the trees began to change colour and move about. The townspeople fled the forest screaming, only to run right into the lake. Half of them survived the three foot deep waters. The survivors were treated as heroes when they returned to the village in defeat.  

Edgar returned a week later from his annual vacation to the everglades to find the village half burnt to the ground and the people running around unclothed because they had forgotten how to wash their clothes. Now you might think that Edgar was surprised by what he had found, and to the average person this would be. But Edgar was turtle, not easily surprised. Add to the fact that he came back to this every year. You see Edgar was the mayor of a town populated by what the politically correct call slow people. Slow enough to elect a turtle to be mayor and then to annually burn the town down. You see, everything falls apart when your mayor turtle is the smartest person in town.