The Fabled One

In the event of my untimely (and unlikely) demise, please consider this note my last will and testament. I have lived a good life, and I wish my belongings, in their entirety, to be bequeathed to the sea. The sea has been the only one who has truly understood me all these long years. Yours in death, Beyonicus.
I carefully set the note in the centre of my rough hewn table, so that it could be easily found in the event of my death. I looked around my dwelling (I hesitate to call it my home as I had only been in it for a week), and smiled at my collection of antiquities and rarities. The massive (and valuable) collection was one of the main perks of my occupation. One of the downsides was the frequent possibility of death.
You win some, you lose some.
You see, for I, Beyonicus, was the fabled treasure/bounty (I diversified my brand at the start) hunter: Beyonicus the Bold. It was my noble duty to go out and find lost treasures, and “lost” people. To say I was good would be a cruel understatement.  To say I was the best that ever walked the gods green Earth would be accurate. There was a reason I was not called Beyonicus the Humble.
When one is as famous as I, subtlety is not something one needs, and both my armour and my arms represented that. Great swirls of gold emblazoned my breastplate, and the hilt of my brightly burnished sword was bedecked with jewels. On top of all that, my cloak was a deep violet, a colour usually reserved for royalty, and made of the finest silks. How fine? I bred the worms myself, and I fed them by hand. After a short time arranging my flowing, golden locks, I was ready to depart on my latest adventure: a quest to find the lost treasures of Dracon.
The treasures were said to be guarded by the most fearsome Orcish tribes in all the realms—a tribe so fearsome that the other Orcs had all but denied their very existence. The tribe is said to consist solely of male warriors in their twenties, and their language is almost unrecognizable as Orchish. The rumours also state that they are almost constantly drunk.
As I left my dwelling I was accosted by Benji, the town’s “greatest” warrior. I say “greatest” because his abilities are a truffle compared to my one. Truffle, like a pig finds them in the dirt. It was funny, I, Beyonicus the Bold, am also funny. He apparently bested some “Champions” from the neighbouring towns, or something.
“Hey, I heard you were leaving off on another quest. Thought you might be interested in team-up? The town’s two greatest warriors off on a badass road trip?” Honestly, even his voice was beneath my own.
“Listen, Benji is it?” My voice was melodic in its lie, of course I knew the fool’s name. “I’m really more of one person adventuring group. I just find that other people, I call them ordinaries, like yourself just get in my way. Ya feel?” Confident that I was finished with this inane conversation, I started down the road.
“They call you Beyonicus the Bold. They should’ve named you Beyonicus the Dolt. A real man would accept my help.” Benji said to my back.
I paused. No one had called me a man in years. Most people knew better. A million thoughts rang through my head at once. Part of my wanted to answer with my blade, but I just cleaned it, and getting all the blood out of the ornamentation was a hassle. I spoke instead, “I have fought my entire life to be known for the person that I am, and not as the person I look like. I have made my reputation large enough to shadow the doubts and the hate that comes my way,” I turned to him now, “I will not be called a man by a person like you. You, a person who came to me asking a favour. I will do nothing for you. You look at me, but you do not see me. You claim to know me, but you can’t even see the legend around me. I am Beyonicus the Bold, not because of the things I do, but because of who I am.” With that, I left.
 Dear reader, you may feel that the last conversation was a departure in tone from the rest, but it was not. Stories reflect life, and, like life, moods and tones change from moment to moment.
I left the village on horseback after I liberated my valiant steed Richard from the stables. As the wind whipped through my glorious locks, I put my encounter with Benji out of my mind. With a youth like mine, one soon grew used to sad, pathetic people such as him. I had three days of travel before me, and I wanted to make the best of it, so I began to sing. As you should expect, my singing voice was as magnificent as the rest of me.
In my youth, before I became the fabled treasure/bounty hunter, I was often invited to sing at local events. My voice would ring out, strong and true, and the maidens would weep openly while the men would pretend to have dust in their eyes. I hated that. Even in my youth I knew that those stereotypical actions were wrong. I suppose, even then, I knew who I truly was.
Due to my fame, I rarely had to pay for lodgings. Instead I would sing, and regale the audience with tales of my prowess! And in the mornings, before I left, I would give all the workers a gold mark in thanks for their kindness. I am not a charity. I pay my way.
The lost treasures of Dracon were located in a cave, as many lost treasures are. As I previously stated, the caves were guarded by a particularly nasty tribe of Orcs. What I did not mention was that the cave was located on an island in the middle of a lake. This lake was treacherous. The waves could grow to 20 feet in height, and the fish tasted bad. That doesn’t have to do with the waves, but it is a reason as to the badness of the lake!
Fortunately, the day I arrived the lake was calm and I didn’t have to worry about the waves. Long story short, I made it to the island with ease.
As darkness descended, I approached the Orc camp. Thankfully, I was fluent in all dialects of Orcish, so I was able to listen in to their chilling conversations:
Orc 1: Bruh, you see that sick flip I did earlier, bruh?
Orc 2: Dude, it was tight. Just like my main undur!
Orc 3: Sick.
Orc 1: Toss me the ale, my cup runneth dry, bruh!
Orc 3: Bro, I tell you about that boat I saw earlier? Looked like someone was comin’ here to mess with us!
Orc 2: They got another think comin’ if they think they can take us!
All: [grunting and hollering]
As I said, chilling.
I squared my shoulders, and made ready to fight. Drawing my sword, I stepped out into the light of the fire.
“I, Beyonicus the Bold, have come for the lost treasures of Dracon! Tremble and weep before me, for I am your undoing.” I had practiced that in front a mirror for hours before I left the village, and, I gotta say, it was worth it.
The Orcs looked at each other in confusion, “Who in the seven hells is she, bruh?” The first one asked.
The other two just shrugged and drew their weapons. I smiled sadly, and then attacked before they could.
The fight was short, for I, Beyonicus the Bold, am without equal. The Orcs lay dead at my feet as I sheathed my sword and made my way into the cave.
The cave was dark and full of terrors, but it was nothing that I could not handle. After casually dispatching a handle of skeletons, answering a sphinx’s riddle, and juggling a dozen small rodents to prove my worth, I was at the treasure.
Great heaps of gold. Towering stacks of gems. Bundles of magnificent armour. Silver swords by the armload. All that and more is what I expected to find.
Instead, there was only a mirror.
Upon the frame was inscribed, in great flowing script, the words: Inside Truth is Found Inner You.
Not only was there not actual treasure, the inscription on the mirror was gibberish.
I suppose not all quests end in spectacular fashion, but I, Beyonicus the Bold, am used to a certain standard.
Least I have a new mirror.

Some times when I made funny jokes!

I like to think of myself as a slightly humorous person. I’d like to think that my writing and videos accurately reflect that. In honour of how funny I am, today’s post is going to be a list of my top 7 (I’m just being too lazy to find links for the times I was funny in videos) funniest moments (plus I’ll explain why the jokes are funny; always the best part!)!

7: The time I made Spongebob joke

                I’m gonna be honest with y’all: I have never watched an episode of Spongebob 4x90°pants in my life. And yes, that math joke took way longer to write out than it should’ve, but that isn’t the joke this entry is about! That’s right; this article is going to be funnier than the time that Patrick burnt down the whole time in a fit of coke-fueled rage. Again, I’ve never watched the show, I’m just assuming that happened at some point or another.

                Here’s the real deal though:

Mixing classic tumblr style humour with the playful antics of Spongebob, truly I am a saint.

6: The time Ramsay Bolton nee Snow liked my tweet:

                If you’ve known me for any amount of time, or looked at my twitter feed on a Sunday night, you’ll know one fact about me: I somewhat enjoy the global pasttime that is Game of Thrones. And by somewhat enjoy, I mean that I can discuss the fan theories like a pro, and debate whether or not the interest charged by the Iron Bank of Braavos is fair or not.

                Without spoiling too much, Ramsay was not a delightful person. He did however love his dogs and kept them well fed—by feeding them people. He killed, maimed, and raped often. And he tried to kill fan favourite Jon Snow. Just an all around bad guy. He was even more hated than Joffery, by some fans.

                And then the actor, Iwan Rheon, got cast as Hitler in a production about Hitler’s time as an artist. Everyone was making jokes about this, so of course I jumped right on the ol’ bandwagon!

Bonus points for my awesome profile pic.

5. The time I made fun of Kylo Ren:

                Another thing you’ll know about me, is that I am a huge nerd. Especially when it comes to science fiction. Now, as a disclaimer, Star Trek is better than Star Wars, but this joke is all about Star Wars.

                When we first saw Kylo Ren’s lightsaber, we all had a good long laugh about it. Cross guards made out of lasers on a laser sword? LOLK. After watching the film, we all felt a little stupid for making fun of the lightsaber, because we found out there was so much more to make fun of than just that. Honestly, the saber is like the least funny thing about Kylo Ren. Unfortunately, this joke went for the low-hanging fruit that was the lightsaber.

I mean, it was still a pretty solid joke. Hopefully Disney didn’t take it too seriously though.

4. The time it got a little too real:

                I write a lot about sexuality and gender identity. It’s something that is important to me, and to the entire world. Representation is something that is needed, and is crucial in showing the queer community that there is nothing wrong with them.

                Unfortunately, straight people still think that being straight is the best, and that remembering other things exist is just far too much work. After all, wearing khaki and golfing takes all their energy. Plus, who’s going to watch all the Adam Sandler movies? Too much? Oh well.

                One time, a friend forgot that I wasn’t straight. Moments after I had sent a link to a video chronicling my coming out story. But don’t worry! She had a valid excuse, and I had an even more valid retort:

Ah, the causal sarcasm as I threw her words back at her. While this may not be the funniest thing I’ve said, it’s one of the things I am most proud of. Straight people, am I right?

3. Just to lighten things up, the time I made fun of my sister’s texting:

                Millennials, the laziest group of people to ever exist, right baby boomers? Them and their texting and activism, don’t they know that they should just be cynical and work jobs that they hate so they can buy houses in a market that your generation wrecked? God. Anyways, millennials love to text! I can confirm this because I am sending 243 texts right now! As I type! Amazing!

                Kat, as she describes herself, is a basic bitch. A white girl. And texts like one af. As evidenced by this short and sweet exchange of ours:

I apologize for the appalling language. Everyone knows I only swear while playing Mario Kart and Halo. Blue shells and lag, my language kryptonite.

2: A topical Pokémon Go joke!

                No article these days is complete without at least one PKGo (as the cool kids call it) joke or reference. And by all ‘eevee’dence, I sure am up on the trends. I’d be a piece of ‘trubbish’ if I didn’t squeeze in a few Poképuns. Honestly, I could just start using tree puns, and everyone would think I was making clever jokes about the professors in the franchise.

                My joke might be a ‘jolteon’ the old system, but I think if I put the ol’ ‘charmeleon’, you’ll enjoy it! Okay, I’m done, here’s the original joke. All 151 of em:

Those Poképuns hurt my brain.

1. The time I made an inappropriate joke:

                Sorry mom and dad, sometimes I do make some inappropriate jokes. And sometimes they are hilarious! Other times, they came out during Cards against Humanity, and left me feeling bad. This is not one of those times!

                The final joke contains no pop culture, no vulgar language, and no funny pictures. Just words. Please, enjoy:

So good. So pure. So funny. 

Edgar the Turtle

     I think it's short story time. So here is a children's fairy tale I wrote about a turtle named Edgar. Enjoy.

In a small village by the forest there lived a turtle. Now, this was no ordinary turtle, you see his shell was made of the leaves of the forest and of the flowers of the meadow. And his eyes! He had the most wondrous eyes, you see! If you looked close enough you could see the waves of the nearby lake. Edgar was a caring turtle, always playing with the village children and warning the townsmen about storms brewing on the lake.  

Everyone loved Edgar, he was even elected mayor of the small village. He ushered in a time of prosperity and peace for the region, which sounds ridiculous since Edgar was a turtle. Obviously the village was quite distraught when they woke up one spring afternoon to find him missing. They searched everywhere! They looked high and low! And while high and down. They checked his frequent stops and even his in-laws. And when they grew extremely desperate they asked his wife, Esmeralda. She hadn’t seen him in three days, nothing out of the ordinary.  

They tried to organize search parties, but without Edgar’s guidance they ended up having a lovely picnic while occasionally calling out his name. In between courses of course. This went on for three days until the picnic food began to run low. Unfortunately they were forced to begin eating their feasting foods. That night they tried to set up the great silk party pavilions, but without Edgar, they didn’t know how to. So they turned it into a giant blanket! By morning, the silk was ruined. Fat and grease stains covered every inch of the thing.  

It had been four days since Edgar disappeared, and the townspeople were growing concerned. Concerned enough to actually focus on their search and look outside of the village. They still didn’t know how to divide into smaller groups so they walked out into the forest in a large mob, trampling the meadow, and breaking the saplings.  

They walked under the branches and over the fallen trees, they tried calling out to him, but they ended up having a singing contest and a mushroom eating contest. After that last one the trees began to change colour and move about. The townspeople fled the forest screaming, only to run right into the lake. Half of them survived the three foot deep waters. The survivors were treated as heroes when they returned to the village in defeat.  

Edgar returned a week later from his annual vacation to the everglades to find the village half burnt to the ground and the people running around unclothed because they had forgotten how to wash their clothes. Now you might think that Edgar was surprised by what he had found, and to the average person this would be. But Edgar was turtle, not easily surprised. Add to the fact that he came back to this every year. You see Edgar was the mayor of a town populated by what the politically correct call slow people. Slow enough to elect a turtle to be mayor and then to annually burn the town down. You see, everything falls apart when your mayor turtle is the smartest person in town.