A Holiday Letter: 2018 edition

Dear Readers,

I suppose this is a like a Holiday letter of sorts, although I'm not actually sure how those work... Not really a thing my family has ever done. It has been an inappropriately long time since I last posted anything here (January 3rd, 2018). It has not been for a lack of trying, however it has been for a lack of... myself.

This past year has been a trying one, and an exalting one. January saw me at the lowest I've been in an extremely long time, while months later had me at one of my highest highs. Writing this is hard, not because of the subject matter, merely because I have not exercised these muscles in some time, and forming the sentences is literally a struggle. I hate this, but it's my own fault.

I said this was a Holiday letter! I'm pretty sure people usually write these by dividing the letter into monthly sections? Sure.

January:
January was bad. Like I said earlier, January saw me at one of my lowest points. I have been open in the past about my mental health issues, and the struggles that come with. I am bad at being open with my depression, and even worse at dealing with it. Well, January saw me check myself into the local hospital on a suicide watch. It was an exhausting time, to put it mildly. Much of the following weeks and months were a dull blur due to the new medications that I was on. A convenient excuse for not writing!--if I were looking for one. There was a bright spot at the end of January, my roommate Bethany invited one of her co-workers over for some Dungeons and Dragons. Her name was Ashton, and she was (and is) radiant.

February:
My birth month has been historically a bad one for my mental health, but luckily for me there was no way it was going to be worse than January. Bethany surprised me by inviting several friends over, and getting a nice big ice cream cake for my birthday. Ashton, and her brother (who was also now playing dnd with us) were there as well. By this time, Ashton and I were messaging each other constantly, and we were both hoping to become more than friends. I had planned to ask her out to Black Panther as our first date, but because of the medication I was still getting used to, I wasn't comfortable driving, so it ended up being more of a group thing, than a romantic date. We still had a great time though. The pub we went to for supper after the movie was hosting Disney Trivia that night. We do consider this to be our first date, but it wasn't officially anything?

March:
This was the month we officially started dating according to our friends and families. I don't remember too much else about March. I know that this was the month I stopped going to counselling, which was stupid of me. We went to my parents at the end of the month for Easter. Ashton and my parents hit it off quickly, with my mom showing her all the embarrassing childhood pictures.

April:
April started with archery, a skill I used to teach at summer camps. We all went out to our friend Andrew's farm and shot arrows for a few hours. There was still snow on the ground, but the air was starting to warm up, and it felt really good to get outside and do something like that. April also included Ashton and I going to pretty much my favourite restaurant in the province: DeJa Vu Cafe, a chicken joint in Moose Jaw. April also included the release of Infinity War, which ended up being a very emotional date for the both of us.

May:
May marked our first out of province trip as a couple: unfortunately it was to Edmonton to visit her uncle in the hospital (he recovered, and is fine now). While the circumstances around the trip were not exactly the greatest, the trip was still nice, and did provide a nice escape from our every day. And, randomly, my adopted sister Katrina was in Edmonton at the same time, so we had a nice meal out with her. May was always when we began talking about moving in together.

June:
June was the month we moved in together, officially, although if I'm being honest, we had basically been living together for a while at that point. June also marked the beginning of Summer! My favourite season in Canada. I love the outdoors and swimming. I began to drag Ashton out to the local lake as often as I could. We took some amazing photos over the summer at that lake.

July:
July marked the first time we spent significant, well, time apart from each other. I did not like it. That's all I'm going to say about the time apart. Picking her up at the airport felt amazing though, it was hard not to cry when I saw her walk through the gate.

August:
I don't know exactly when I knew that I was going to propose to Ashton, I do know that it was ridiculously early in our relationship (especially since in August our relationship was only 6 months in). On August 4th, I asked Ashton to marry me; she said yes. And as she is currently sitting beside me working on her art, I'm pretty sure she meant it. August, and July before it, had a lot of time spent with friends and at the lake, soaking in as much of the summer heat as possible. August also saw the introduction of Jack-O, an orange tabby that was an engagement present from her parents.

September:
In September, Doug Jones (Star Trek: Discovery, Hellboy, The Shape of Water) touched my beard and it was amazing. I'm fairly certain some other stuff happened in September as well, but that's all I can remember right now.

October:
Our first Halloween. A big one. Turned out, Halloween was super important to both of us. I went as one of my DnD characters, and Ashton went as Hawkgirl. We ended up spending the day in the city with Andrew and his girlfriend, Marin. It was really nice; Ashton and Marin got to go trick or treating (only one house told them that they were too old), and we all got to spend some stress-free bonding time together. Plus we saw a car decked out like Ecto-1, the Ghostbusters' car.

November:
Oddly enough, November is the month I'm having the hardest time recalling. Like, I know stuff happened? Maybe? I don't actually know. Ashton's 28th birthday happened, which I tried my hardest to make as special as possible. Her favourite food is spaghetti, so I made a sauce from scratch, and baked her a french vanilla cake with a maple frosting. We had a bunch of our friends over, hung out and played dnd. It was a good night, one which I hope to top next year.

December:
Well, December is now, so I can't say too much about it yet.

That's it, a whole year distilled into a short letter. A year that began terribly, but ended up being one of the best.

Happy Holidays everyone!

Much love,

Top Pop Culture Moments of 2017!

It's a new year, so let's reflect on 2017's best pop culture moments! This list will cover films, television, and games from January to the end of December, so there will be spoilers! Consider yourself warned! 

The list will be numbered, but it's all arbitrary--numbers just make things easier! 

1. Logan: Laura's big reveal

We knew going in that X-23 would be making her film debut in Wolverine's last outing. What we didn't know was how amazing it was going to be. The film itself is full of heartbreak and real emotion. It's pretty hard not to cry during several of the film's more emotional moments. On the bright side, it was pretty hard not to cheer when Laura popped her claws for the first time, and even harder not to when she showed off her talons.

You can watch the scene here. 

2. Wonder Woman: No Man's Land

If you've seen the movie, you already knew that this would be on the list. In this moment, this wonderful moment, Wonder Woman is fully realized. This scene shows perfectly who she is, and what she fights for. I had goose bumps watching this scene in theatres, and I felt a similar thrill watching it again at home.

You can watch the scene here (and I really think you should).

3. Game of Thrones: Loot Train Attack

Picking a single moment from season 7 of Game of Thrones was a hard thing to do. There were several scenes that were in contention, but the loot train attack won out in the end. This was the first time that the dragons were truly and fully unleashed upon Dany's enemies, and the battle where the Lannisters found out what their new enemy was capable of. And to be frank, their new enemy was way more capable than them. Fun side note: HBO broke the world record for most stuntpeople on fire for this scene! 

You can watch the scene here. 

4. Mass Effect Andromeda: Arriving in Helios

Say what you want about the latest entry in the Mass Effect franchise, but that opening scene and mission was epic. The hopeful colonists arriving in a new galaxy only to find out nothing is how it's supposed to be, and no contact from the other ships? Everything really felt hopeless, and that feeling only grew when Alec Ryder, your characters father, and humanity's Pathfinder, died. Alone, leaderless, and trapped in another galaxy? This was a huge shake up to the franchise. 

The whole thing takes a fair amount of time to play through, so instead I'll leave the trailer here, and a scene with one of my favourite lines here. 

5. Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2: Yondu's Sacrifice

Volume 2 was all about family. Peter Quill finally met his biological father (who turned out to be a dick), and then realized that Yondu had been his dad this entire time. As Yondu himself put it: "He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy." Volume 2 was full of emotional beats, and I almost went with Yondu's funeral, but I feel like his sacrifice stands out just a little more. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need a tissue for an unrelated reason. 

You can watch the scene here. 

6. Wolfenstein The New Colossus: Starting the Second American Revolution

Wolfenstein takes place in an alternate history where the Nazis won WWII. Not only did they win, they conquered the entire planet. Your character, doesn't think that's right, and with the help of a few like minded individuals they start a revolution in Europe, and in The New Colossus, they bring that fight to America. The game is full of newspaper articles and postcards that fill in the fictional history and bring the world to life. And, bonus kinda, with how the real world was in 2017, it was cathartic to mow down fictional Nazis. The game is surprisingly emotional and heavy for a shooter, but it does have plenty of moments that get the player revved up! Especially the ending. You kill the Nazi general that's been your main rival for the past 2 games on live national television, and then your partners give a rousing speech to the American people. And then the credits roll. 

You can watch the scene here.

7. Star Trek Discovery: Cadet Tilly Swearing

Discovery is the first new Star Trek TV series since Enterprise went off the air. The showrunners wanted to create a series that reflected Trek's vision, and make it a show for the modern audiences. I personally think they have achieved this goal. One of my favourite moments of the first season was a simple one. Cadet Tilly, Specialist Burnham, and Lieutenant Stamets were doing some sciencey stuff, and Tilly got excited at a discovery. She called it "fucking cool". Star Trek has dropped some swears in the past, not many though, and never the f-bomb. But it worked. 

You can watch the scene here. 

8. Stranger Things: Steve giving Dustin hair advice

I loved Steve and Dustin's banter in the second season of Stranger Things. Steve grew into an amazing character, and was so protective of the kids. I loved listening to Steve and Dustin complain about the women in their lives, but it was was when Steve gave Dustin hair advice, that I really fell in love. 

You can watch the scene here. 

9. Star Wars the Last Jedi: Throne Room Fight

I'm not going to go super into this one, because I know there are still people who haven't watched the latest Star Wars, and would get upset if I ruined something this cool. 

So instead of the scene, here's one of the trailers. 

10. Spider-Man Homecoming: Peter meets Liz's Dad

I saw someone else describe this scene as the moment Peter realizes he can't be a normal teen and Spider-Man at the same time. I think that's a good thought. Personally, I see it as the moment Peter realizes that even the bad guys can have families, and that maybe life isn't black and white. But no matter how you interpret the scene, it is fantastically done. 

You can watch the scene here. 

11. Thor Ragnarok: literally the entire thing

This entire movie is wonderful. The character's relationships, the cast's chemistry, the writing. Everything. So many quotable lines, so many stunning shots. Every scene with Korg. Thor and Loki being brothers and adversaries. Go and watch this movie. Right now. Seriously. 

Here's a random scene with Korg to watch! 

Alright, those are my top 11 pop culture moments from 2017! I hope you enjoy! Here's looking forward to what 2018 will bring! 

 

not broken; a poem

i am not broken
i am not broken
i am not broken
 i am not broken
i am not broken
i am not broken
i am not bronen
i am not bkoken
i am not broken
i am not  broekn
i am not broek n
i am not btoken
i am not broken
i am not brroken
i am not brtoken
i am not broken
i am not btoken
i am not broken
i am not btroken
i am not broken
i am not broken



maybe if i tell myself that enough
i;ll believe it
but
i am not broken
i am not broken i am not broken
i am
not broken
i am not broken
i am not beoken
 i am not broken




maybe if i tell mysel that enough
i[ll believe that
i am not broken
i am not broekn
i am whole
i am whole
i am whole
i am good
i am good
i dont need fixed
i am good
i dont need fixed
i am enough
i am not broken
i am good
maybe if i tell myself that enough
i'll believe that
bit
bit
bit
but
maybe i am
whole?

The BoJack Horseman Show

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, as I'm sure you've noticed. I've been working on a new project and it has been taking most of my focus. However, Netflix dropped season 4 of the outstanding BoJack Horseman last week, so I thought I would talk about it. Honestly, this whole post was birthed from the idea for a tweet, but the show deserves more than just a moderately clever tweet. There have been many articles and reviews written about BoJack, and mine will probably skew fairly close to the rest of them. According to Rotten Tomatoes, the last 3 seasons of Bojack have averaged a 98% rating, and it honestly deserves it. The show is, ostensibly, about an anthropomorphic horse trying to revitalize his acting career in a Hollywood, sorry--Hollywoo full of other anthropomorphic animals and humans. In reality, the show is an unflinching look at the affects of mental illness, drug use, and the societal state of North America. The tweet that sparked this post was about this, something along the lines of: "Five years ago, I would've never believe that the most accurate portrayal of  depression on TV came from an animated horse."

We live in a time where adult focused cartoons allow themselves to focus on dark topics instead of just dick jokes. A few years ago all the adult focused cartoons were in the same vein of Family Guy--crass and shallow. Now we have shows like BoJack Horseman, Archer, and, yeah, Rick and Morty. I would like to go on permanent record to say that BoJack is, by far, the best written and acted of all of those. I could be biased by the fact that I relate more to the characters in BoJack than the others, but I don't care. The writers and cast of the show aren't afraid to show the deep flaws that all the characters have: BoJack is clinically depressed, narcissistic, and an alcoholic, Princess Caroline is so afraid of failure that she pushes everyone away at the slightest hint that she might screw up and has always put her job before everything, Mr Peanut Butter has never had to work for anything but has a crippling need for people to like him, Diane is neurotic and hates when people do things for her--even when they're just trying to be nice, and Todd has no path in life and doesn't know who he is so he tries to be everyone. And those are just the main characters, never mind the lives of the supporting cast (like BoJack's mother, who's past is a major part of season 4 and is incredibly distressing).

The thing that BoJack gets so right about mental illness is that it never really goes away: it's always there, just waiting to make a comeback. Over the course of season 2 and 3, Bojack starts to redeem himself in his eyes. He gets to make the movie that he has always wanted, and he's a big star again. He even starts to like himself, just a little. Then, it goes away. He starts to hate himself again, and he doesn't know why. He has everything that he has ever wanted, and he has a feeling of fulfillment, yet it's not enough. And because BoJack doesn't handle his illness in a healthy way, things go from bad to worse. He puts all of his happiness on getting an Oscar nomination, and when that doesn't happen, he goes on a major, months long drug bender with a former co-star who ends up dying in his arms in some shitty hotel room. Following that, he decides that he doesn't deserve to live anymore. He takes off in his car, and when he's all alone, he floors it and takes his hands off the wheel. But before he crashes, he sees some horses running through the desert, and for a second, he sees what life could be and he stops.

In less depressing praise for the show, it also has the single greatest representation of an asexual character on television: Todd. At the end of season 3, Todd begins to realize that he's not straight, and in a heartbreaking moment he says: "maybe I'm nothing," which is something many aces could relate to. And, during season 4, Todd comes to fully embrace and accepts his asexuality, and even comes out about it to BoJack, who is supportive of Todd. The show even showcased an Ace Meet Up and had Todd hang out with fellow aces. In a television climate where we barely have any queer rep, let alone asexual rep, BoJack Horseman has given an asexual main character, and several ace secondary characters.

I love this show. It has some of the best puns on TV, and deals with important issues in a way that doesn't try to hide the dark side of humanity. Seriously, I cannot overstate how amazing, and important this show is. Which is a weird thing to say about a show about a talking horse and animal pals, but here we are. In 2017, the most human show of all barely has any human characters. Which is probably what makes it watchable.

I'm just gonna throw in some more gifs that I had considered using now.

No clever title, just read this

This is my 200th blog post on here. I had a short story I was working on to commemorate this august occasion, but I've decided to post that later. Due to the escalating circumstances in North America, not just the States, I have decided to use my 200th blog post to issue a simple statement: Fuck Nazis.
     
The fact that the question of whether Nazis are bad or not has come up in 2017 is embarrassing and terrifying. Unequivocally, yes; Nazis are bad. They are evil. If you haven't been keeping abreast of the news, a group calling themselves the alt-right have become more and more outspoken since Trump's inauguration. To be crystal clear: the alt-right are Nazis. They are blood and race purists who want to see an all white America. This past weekend they marched in an American city shouting Nazi slogans and giving Nazi salutes. If that was still too subtle for people, they were also carrying Swastika flags and confederate flags. They came out at night carrying torches. They shouted "white lives matter", "hail victory" (which is just sieg heil in English), in one of the videos you could even hear people shouting "hail Trump".

Then they got violent.

A group of these neo-nazis were recorded on video beating a man with planks of wood, among other things. Another man, a member of the alt-right group Vanguard America, drove his car through a crowd of counter-protesters, killing Heather Heyer, 32, and injuring 19 others. He then fled the scene. He has since been arrested and is currently charged with second degree murder. Vanguard America is a hate group. Their creed comes from the Nazis. Their slogans come from the Nazis. They are Nazis. A Nazi killed an innocent woman on American soil last weekend. There is no other way of putting that without complicating the issue. The simple truth is this: A Nazi killed a woman in the United States of America, in the year 2017.

Almost exactly 72 years after the end of World War II, a Nazi has killed someone in North America. My grandfather served in the War, and fought against the Nazis. A part of me is glad that he isn't here to see what has become of the countries he fought for. I miss him every single day, but I am glad he doesn't have to see this.

This is a situation where there is no neutral ground. Keeping silent only gives the Nazis a louder voice. Keeping silent, especially as a white person, is saying that you don't want to give up your white privilege, and that you're okay with the inequality. To say plainly: keeping silent means that you'd rather have Nazis than some inconvenience; it means you're okay with Nazis. This is a situation where there is a right side, and there is a wrong side. I hope I don't have to tell you which is which, but the side that's racist? That's the wrong side. I know I have a lot of friends who like to stay out of politics, but this has gone passed mere politics! Human lives are on the line. You can't stay on the fence.

Here in Canada, Nazi marches are currently planned for Toronto and Vancouver. I ask you to go out and show those Nazi scum that you will not be pushed over. Stand up for your neighbours. Stand up for Canada, and show those fucking Nazis why they lost the last time they reared their fugly heads.

If my childhood hero Indiana Jones taught me anything, it's that Nazis are bad, and defeating them is good.

I honestly can't believe that this is a serious issue right now. It shouldn't be! We should know that Nazis are bad! And no, this isn't an attack on free speech! Free speech allows for the sharing of ideas and conversation, it does not allow for the spread of hate.

Fuck Nazis.

Omar Khadr and the current state of Canada

I've stayed out of politics for a while. It was honestly just too much, and I wanted to focus on myself for a while. However with the Canadian Government giving Omar Khadr a 10.5 million dollar settlement, I can't keep quiet anymore. I am disgusted with a lot surrounding this. Mainly how many right leaning people are reacting. There's a lot of hate and a lot of misinformation and misunderstandings. For those of you who don't know, Omar Khadr is a Canadian citizen whose father was associated with Al-Qaeda. He spent most of his childhood going back and forth between Canada and Pakistan. When he was 15, he was at the sight of a firefight between American forces and Taliban. It was believed that he was involved in the firefight and that he was directly responsible for killing an American soldier. There is no definitive proof that this happened--only that he was there, got wounded by shrapnel, and was shot in the back twice by American troops. He was treated for his injuries and taken to Guantanamo Bay. He was held there for ten years. During that time he was "questioned" (we all know how they questioned people there), and was told that if he confessed he would be allowed to serve his sentence in Canada. He pleaded guilty under duress. Later, the Supreme Court of Canada would rule that Omar's treatment in Guantanamo was a severe violation of his basic human rights. In 2012, he was brought back to Canada, where he served another three years in prison until he was released on bail. At that time, the ruling Conservative Party issued an appeal to the Supreme Court to revoke his bail. It was not until 2016, that the ruling Liberal Party dropped the appeal. With the fact that Omar was 15, and that his confession was obtained through immoral methods, the Liberal Party of Canada issued an apology, and gave a settlement of $10.5 million. It should be noted that this amount is half of what he had been after in his civil suit against the Canadian government.

Do I agree with Prime Minister Trudeau in this regard? Yes. Wholeheartedly. He was a kid, and he was tortured by both Canadian officials and American ones. There is video of one of his interrogations, and Guantanamo Bay officials have admitted to using sleep deprivation on him. Omar Khadr went through hell. And since his release on bail, he has been labelled a terrorist by the people of his country. Because Canada is his country. He was born here. He is as Canadian as I am. I for one stand with him. I stand with my Prime Minister. And I will definitely stand against the bullies who are trying to destroy this beautiful country.

I look around and I see all these people (white people, of course) getting upset at the strides the Liberal Government is making towards equality. I see all these people getting upset at the push towards a greener Canada. I see all these people getting upset at the push towards sustainability. And I don't get it. Do you not want equality? Are you all quietly racist and comfortable in your privilege? Do you want to destroy the environment? Do you not want future generations to have a good life? Are you that fucking selfish? The ignorance that flows from these people's mouths is astounding. Just open your eyes and put aside your selfishness for one second! Look at the suffering of those around you! Look passed your white walls and white communities and see the real world.

I have family that want the Conservative party to come back to power. The same party that tried to reverse same-sex marriage. The same party that got us involved in conflicts we didn't need to be a part of. The same party that lead to a financial crisis. The same party that wanted Canadians to report Muslims to the police. The same party that currently wants to emulate the Trump administration and run a government based off of fear. Right now our country is taking in the hurt and the disenfranchised, and the Conservatives want that to stop. They want to bring in Canada first policies. Policies that go against everything that it means to be Canadian. I remember what our country stands for, and I am proud of our current government for everything that it is doing to make Canada into the country the rest of the world thinks we are.

I believe in Canada. This loving and accepting Canada. Fuck those who want a whites first Canada. That's not us.

Disjointed masks

Being a writer is hard when you're scared to write. I mean, it's hard for a lot of reasons, but when you're too scared to even touch a keyboard, it's really hard. That's where I'm at right now. Most of me feels like I'm in a good place mentally, but whenever I go to write, I freeze. Maybe I'm not in as good of a place as I thought. Mostly I feel okay, but there have been a few moments where I've definitely been not okay.

(I've been staring at this for a good ten minutes now, with no clue of how to continue, and, really, no want to do so)

Fuck, maybe I'm not meant to do what I want to do. Maybe I'm not meant to be a writer. Maybe I'm just meant to be a failure, forever fucking up and hurting the ones I care about. Maybe I'm not meant to be me, even though I have no idea who that person could be. Fuck.

Maybe I'm just lost inside my own headspace. That's never a good place for me to visit alone; it always breaks me. Maybe it stems from always being told that I wasn't good enough. Always it would be: "That person did better than you. Why can't you do better?" "You're so lazy." "What's your problem?" "Why can't you be like them?". Because I'm not them. I'm barely me. Never good enough. I'm never good enough. To this day, I fight (and lose to) the demons inside of me, itching to feel some modicum of self-worth. Every time that I lose, I feel more and more worthless. Slowly, that feeling of worthlessness came to be my defining feature. I'm never good enough. Even in my own mind, I'm never good enough. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will crush my soul and break my spirit.

The broken person, especially the broken man, has become romanticized in our culture. The dark, brooding guy sitting in the corner nursing a drink. The sullen and silent man. Being 'broken' isn't something romantic. Trust me, it is super hard being romantic while you're second guessing every decision you've ever made, and low-key hating yourself for even trying to make a connection with another human. Hell, I second guess myself when I'm just talking to a friend about the fricking weather. Single file, people of all genders, and please stay calm while waiting your turn. I promise, I have enough insecurities and tears for all of you.

This is really disjointed. And this transitions? Heckin' terrible.

Who am I? They say that a person who has struggled with depression their entire lives (from childhood to present) can struggle with self-identity forever. It's hard to know who one is, when one changes on a regular basis. I wrote a poem once about all the masks I've worn, and how I have lost my true face in the dreck left behind. Maybe I threw that mask, my true face, out. Maybe I haven't gotten to it. Maybe I've never had it. Or maybe, and this is the scary one, maybe this mess of a fucked up human is my true face. How horrible would that be? I don't like this person very much. They're kinda terrible at...everything.

Well, this was much more depressing than I had planned. Guess that's what happens when you're scared to write. You start spouting truths that you don't wanna deal with.

I need a drink

Of water. It's super hot out.