Nightmares. Dark dreams that elevate our base fears into things we don't want to imagine. Friends and family leaving, or worse. Being left totally alone. Failing. Most times the worst nightmares don't involve ghosts or monsters, instead they strip everything we have away. They leave us bare and alone with our personal demons. We can learn from our nightmares, but who would want to focus in on something so dark? Most of my nightmares involve my closest friends leaving me. In the dreams, they see my true face and they leave, and I am left alone with myself. I suppose that sounds terribly sad that my darkest nightmares involve me being left with myself, and not something more graphic and violent. I relate too much with characters that hate themselves, from the Doctor to Jeff Winger, I see myself in those people. From the extremes they go to to never be alone, to the deep, soul-searching questions they are constantly asking themselves and those around them.
The Doctor is constantly told by his companions to not be alone because they know he'll lose himself if that happens. A poignant moment from one of Peter Capaldi's first episodes had him asking Clara, with emotion soaking through his words, if he was a good man. Jeff Winger, from Community, when meeting his birth father, breaks down and admits that he's always on his phone just so he doesn't have to look his friends in the eyes. He doesn't want his friends to see how broken he is on the inside. And these are the characters I relate to. Often when I tell people that I relate to the Doctor, people assume I have a hero complex, and sometimes I wish that were true. Instead, I relate to the Doctor because we have the same nightmares: being alone and having only ourselves for company.
Nightmares are honest once you dig into them. Maybe that's what's scariest about them. We never like to admit our fears to anyone, let alone to ourselves. That's why we tell people we're scared of spiders or mice. We aren't truly scared of spiders or mice, we might not like being around them, but those aren't the things that keep us awake at night. I keep myself awake at night. Thoughts continuously swirling around my mind, thoughts that I think to share but am stopped by the fear of people leaving me. I am constantly surprised that my friends don't leave me, especially during a deep depression. I barely want to spend time with myself, why would anyone else want to spend time with me? Obviously, people do want to spend time with me; crazy people, but people nonetheless.
Death is also a common nightmare; to clarify, the death of someone close. Many times, when I awake drenched by sweat in the middle of the night, it is because of a nightmare like this. The other nightmares don't wake me up--they mirror my waking thoughts too much for that. However, these nightmares jolt me into consciousness, and cause me to scramble for my phone so that I can remind myself that it was just a nightmare. Falling back to sleep after these is always hard. They aren't dreams that one wants to return to.
I wish to never have a nightmare again. I wish to be confident that I will sleep peacefully for the rest of my life, but that's not how life works. Nightmares are honest, and they can teach us. But they fucking suck. As I write this, I am haunted by the specters of nightmares past. Fleeting images of terrible things, feelings of terror and loss and heartbreak. Of being alone. Tears forming in the corners of my eyes as I try to not remember. A deep weight on my chest, pressing the air out of my lungs.
Nightmares show us the deepest and darkest corners of our souls. Places we wish to never see. Things we wish to forget. Perhaps when we learn to accept all of ourselves, we will no longer have nightmares.
Maybe.
The Doctor is constantly told by his companions to not be alone because they know he'll lose himself if that happens. A poignant moment from one of Peter Capaldi's first episodes had him asking Clara, with emotion soaking through his words, if he was a good man. Jeff Winger, from Community, when meeting his birth father, breaks down and admits that he's always on his phone just so he doesn't have to look his friends in the eyes. He doesn't want his friends to see how broken he is on the inside. And these are the characters I relate to. Often when I tell people that I relate to the Doctor, people assume I have a hero complex, and sometimes I wish that were true. Instead, I relate to the Doctor because we have the same nightmares: being alone and having only ourselves for company.
Nightmares are honest once you dig into them. Maybe that's what's scariest about them. We never like to admit our fears to anyone, let alone to ourselves. That's why we tell people we're scared of spiders or mice. We aren't truly scared of spiders or mice, we might not like being around them, but those aren't the things that keep us awake at night. I keep myself awake at night. Thoughts continuously swirling around my mind, thoughts that I think to share but am stopped by the fear of people leaving me. I am constantly surprised that my friends don't leave me, especially during a deep depression. I barely want to spend time with myself, why would anyone else want to spend time with me? Obviously, people do want to spend time with me; crazy people, but people nonetheless.
Death is also a common nightmare; to clarify, the death of someone close. Many times, when I awake drenched by sweat in the middle of the night, it is because of a nightmare like this. The other nightmares don't wake me up--they mirror my waking thoughts too much for that. However, these nightmares jolt me into consciousness, and cause me to scramble for my phone so that I can remind myself that it was just a nightmare. Falling back to sleep after these is always hard. They aren't dreams that one wants to return to.
I wish to never have a nightmare again. I wish to be confident that I will sleep peacefully for the rest of my life, but that's not how life works. Nightmares are honest, and they can teach us. But they fucking suck. As I write this, I am haunted by the specters of nightmares past. Fleeting images of terrible things, feelings of terror and loss and heartbreak. Of being alone. Tears forming in the corners of my eyes as I try to not remember. A deep weight on my chest, pressing the air out of my lungs.
Nightmares show us the deepest and darkest corners of our souls. Places we wish to never see. Things we wish to forget. Perhaps when we learn to accept all of ourselves, we will no longer have nightmares.
Maybe.
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