loss and lost

staring at this blank page
its arrogance taunting me and mocking me
words flitting and fleeting
mind grasping at nothing
not even air
suffocating in the inexplicable drought
drowning in the insurmountable fears
why
why am i like this
why cant i write
why cant i breathe
the blankness drilling in
my soul
lost
dead
gone
why
the taunting and mocking driving me to the edge
lost causes
lost coasts
forever going
never arriving
circles upon circles circling in
crushing me in my own
why
what am i
who am i
crushed by the thoughts
crushed by the lies
crushed by own hubris
hubris that shouldnt be
why
lines fill up the page
lines filled up with lies
lines lying to hide the lies within the lines
why
why
why
why
god why
when will i become i
when will i like i
when will the pain stop
the pain stopped for a moment
a brief time in my existence
but it came back
always coming back
the pain never ceasing
but for moments
why
faltering strength
failing mind
creativity slowing dying
a former husk
a one time being
now
gone
why
fuck
why do the words hurt
why do the words not come
why do the words break
me
why do the words break me
why do the words always break me
why do the words break me
why does life hurt
why doe the sun not shine through
darkness enveloping
slowly choking out all vestiges of what was
the words like blood ever flowing wrong
the mind clotting blocking the words
the veins closed
why
where once was life
now is darkness
where once words sprang
now words die
the blankness taunting me and mocking me
i cant
i cant
i cant
cant what
live
i can
just
barely wanting to hold on
the weight pulling down
the depths calling up
eyes closing
grip relaxing
sliding down
you
you save me
you pull me out
you force me to live
to breathe
to be
but the blankness is still there
always taunting and mocking
never ceasing
never relenting
the pain is still there
never ceasing
never relenting
but you
you
you make it worth it
you make it bearable
and for that
i
i live.