Short but bitter

     So there was no blog yesterday. Got a little swamped and didn't have time. Okay, done with that.
     Today is the last day of March, and it's snowing. Big wet flakes of the stuff slowly drifting down from the heavens, coating the earth below. It's almost beautiful in its purity, and if this was late November I might even have had nice things to say about it! But it's March 31st. And it's snowing. I have no nice things to say about it.
     My new apartment is big and empty and I don't know how to deal with it. I've been going to bed earlier and earlier just so I don't have to deal with the emptiness. I can close my bedroom door and pretend that my room is the extent of things. I like having my own place. I can decorate it how I want, I can watch what I want, but it's lonely... Which is something I never ever thought I would be complaining about! I think what's really getting to me is the lack of noise. The place is silent unless I actively make noise, and because I'm in a new building, I'm nervous about playing any music too loudly. Which is an odd thing to be nervous about as the apartments are soundproofed. I watched Ant Man last night at a low-to-reasonable volume, and I kept turning it down every time something loudish happened.
      I don't have internet yet either. Which means that I can't distract myself with multiplayer gaming with my friends, and half of the games I have to finish need an internet connection to play (thanks DRM)! So even when I'm gaming, I'm alone with my thoughts. I have a lot of stressors in my life right now, stresses that I'm not going to get into here, and without distractions they have become the sole focus of my thoughts. I can't even upload my videos unless I do it at work, and this computer is so old that everything moves at 1/4 speed while stuff is uploading which makes it almost impossible to get any work done!
       I should be excited. I have a new place, all to myself! Instead I'm stuck wallowing in this pool of self pity and self destruction without a rope to pull myself out. Instead I go to bed at 8 and read until I  can justify falling asleep.
       I know I'll get used to it all in time--the silence and the emptiness--but it hasn't happened yet. Instead I just have this hole that seems to be getting bigger and bigger. You know what they say: every time one thing goes right, twenty things go wrong. 

To put it briefly...

     You've been without a blog post for a few days now. Everybody okay? Ya'll feeling alright? That's good, that's good. It was Easter, so the weekend was four days instead of two! That's the whole reason there was a lack of a blog.
      It was a busy weekend, that's for sure. Moved into my new apartment. Which took basically the whole time due to the packing and unpacking and driving. I will be uploading pictures eventually! There was supposed to be a vlog up today, but due to lack of internet and forgetfulness on my part, there isn't... Oops.
      This probably going to be short, I'm rocking a killer headache like Kayne rocks Kayne. Okay, maybe not that extreme. But it is up there!
     Uh... There will definitely be a vlog up tomorrow! I may even break down and use the last of my data on my phone--no, that's a bad idea. There will be a vlog up tomorrow though! A vlog that I started filming Friday and finished filming yesterday... Oops.
      Wow. This is short. 

Storms of Doubt

         Moments of doubt plague my existence as they do for everyone. Doubts enter into our thoughts everyday and shadow our every step. They are always there, ready and willing to tear us down given the smallest opportunity. Whether they do or not is entirely up to us.
        My most current wellspring of doubt is bubbling up from my impending move. This move is based on a job for which I am on contract for. I have already signed papers, and began the process of getting the necessities (wifi and HBO) set up. Here is where the doubts come in: my contract expires at the end of April, with very little chance of renewal (not because of my work, simply because this is a nonprofit and funds are limited).  I had always expected that this short renewal (originally my contract was up today) would be it, but I allowed myself to hope and believe that it would be extended once again! Alas, my suspicions were all but confirmed yesterday when my boss talked to me about how I was to be paid over the next month. So, at the end of April, I must begin a search for another job.
        The rental agreement I signed is for a 6 month lease, after the one month left here, that leaves me with five months on my lease. Which leaves me with decisions I must make: do I find a job that pays me enough to live for five months, do I get a job that I will actually enjoy but will leave after five months, or do I resign myself to moving here for the foreseeable future--thereby giving up moving back to the coast? Add to the equation the lack of jobs in the area that are suitably engaging, and the fact that my freelance writing is just starting to take off! You can also add my filmmaking and the decisions I have to make regarding that into the mix. The apartment is affordable right now. With my current wage I can afford it and all of my bills, if I can't find a job that pays the same (or more) then I will not be able to afford everything and continue eating. I can't cut wifi out, I need that for my writing and my filming. I can't cut my phone out for obvious reasons (I need to call people). I can't cut my car out--I live in the prairies, driving is literally a necessity.
         I wish that I could confidently throw my whole lot into my writing and filming and believe that everything will work out for the best. I wish I had the confidence to believe in myself and my art enough. I wish that I could drop everything and fly away from everything and everyone holding me back (including myself). But I can't, and thus my doubts grow.
        Self doubt is nothing new to me, for a very long time I gave up on myself and my dreams. I let myself become the person other people wanted me to become, and at the end of that dark era of my life, there were so many different versions of the entity known as Zak that I couldn't even identify myself. I've spent years digging myself out of that mire, years that left me with a dearth of self knowledge and identity. I have begun the process of pulling myself back together, of finding my identity as the creator--the artist--I want to be! Yet, with every step forward I am plagued with new doubts about the next ten steps. For every achievement I accomplish, doubts fill me about the validity of it, and of the possibility to continue on.
        You may be asking what this all has to do with an apartment, but on the other hand you may have put it all together yourself. In short, all of my doubts come from the same place: me. All of my doubts and apprehensions stem from my self-doubt and lack of faith in myself. As I am moving forward in my life a surge of new doubts and circumstances are threatening to knock me back. Whether I weather (heh) this new storm, or get blown away is entirely up to me.
        I just need to get over years, decades, of self doubt, and believe in myself.
        Easy, right?

Standing Together

       Humanity sucks sometimes. It really does. Just look at the past couple months. Hell, just look at yesterday! But I'm not talking about big gestures of humanity's ability to be terrible, I'm talking about the small moments that hurt my heart far more than the big things do. I believe humanity can become better. I believe we can move past all this, but until that happens, my heart will continue to break every day.
      You may be asking what brought this on, and that is a valid question. Today I found out about a youtuber by the name of TommyNC2010. He has autism, and he started making videos because he wanted to entertain people and bring some joy and happiness into the world. Those are admirable goals. Then another youtuber, a bigger one by the name of leafyishere, found Tommy's channel and decided to make fun of it and him. In the video leafy called Tommy names and mocked him. Soon after the video came out Tommy, and his family, began receiving death threats from leafy's fans. Tommy released an absolutely heartbreaking video of him in tears explaining that he had no idea what was going on, but that he was scared for his life and his family because of this. Leafy has since taken down his video attacking Tommy, saying he didn't know all the details like the fact that Tommy is autistic. A lot of big tubers have come out in defense of Tommy, including Philip DeFranco (who also started supporting Tommy through Patreon and urged his fans to do the same), and Tommy has gained almost 100 000 subscribers since this happened.
       Honestly, it shouldn't matter that Tommy has autism. Leafy has made his following from attacking other people on YouTube. Scrolling through his videos, you find attack after attack. He claims that it's all satire, but real satire doesn't lead to the people you're mocking receiving fucking death threats! Leafy has made his entire subscriber base off of hate and straight up bullying. So what he feels bad this time just because it turned out that Tommy has autism. How many of the other people he mocked were dealing with shit? How many of those other people, who may have been getting death threats, were depressed before leafy decided he needed a few more views?
      In our modern society it is far easier to make a career of mocking people than it is to make one of uplifting people, and that's absolutely terrifying. This mindset has created a society where Donald Drumpf is a serious contender for the presidency. This mindset has created a society where people like leafy can make a career off of mocking other people simply because they're different, or don't fit his particular paradigm of life. A society where people like Tommy who are just trying to make other people smile receive death threats for that.
       Tommy, if you ever read this, you are awesome. You keep going strong man! I've watched a few of your videos, and I've subscribed. You are making the world happier and better. We need more people like you right now.


You can find Tommy's channel here: https://goo.gl/ADw72l
and can find his patreon here: www.patreon.com/TommyNC2010

Je Suis Bruxelles

       Today we woke up to the news of another tragedy striking our planet. At around 8 AM local time, the Belgian capital of Brussels was attacked. Bombs first went off in the departures hall of the Brussels Airport. Less than an hour later a bomb went off inside a metro train car. Estimates are around 34 dead and 200 wounded. ISIS has reportedly taken credit for the attacks, but nothing is confirmed as of yet. All this mere months after the November 13 attacks on Paris.
       Last week I wrote about how the world can be changed for the better, and that is something I still believe. Today was a tragedy, how we react to it is our choice. We can react in fear and hate, which many are judging by the trending #stopislam topic on Twitter, or we can react rationally and move forward in a way that promotes a helpful response. Everyone spewing hate today, towards refugees and Muslims, is doing nothing to help the people of Brussels. People sitting behind a keyboard (yes, I see the irony) stirring the pot and promoting hate are only agitating an already volatile situation. People are promoting hate crimes and war crimes in response to this attack! That isn't the right response. Yes, terrorist groups need to be dealt with. But a terrorist group isn't an entire people or religion. When people speak of taking down the KKK, or shutting down the Westboro Baptist Church, they don't do it by advocating the entire dismantling of Christianity, because they know that the KKK don't represent Christianity! It's literally the same thing with ISIS. ISIS does not represent Islam. Say it with me: ISIS DOES NOT REPRESENT ISLAM. The people in ISIS are perverting a religion to their own needs and ideals. And all this anti-Islam rhetoric being tossed about is helping ISIS! The more the West turns against Muslims, the more power ISIS gains. The more misguided people get, the less focus that is placed upon ISIS.
     ISIS was allowed to come to power through our ignorance. By our dismissal of them, and by our hateful ways. Today, in the world, we have politicians gaining popularity through their proclamations of willingness to commit war crimes. We're living in a world, right now, where the more ignorant you are, the more popular you are. These people, these ignorant hatemongers, are supporting ISIS through their hate. By turning our backs on refugees and casting an entire religion as villains, we are making it easier for ISIS to gain recruits. We are making it easier for ISIS to commit atrocities. That, obviously, is something that we cannot allow to happen.
      We woke up to news of a tragedy today, let's make sure we don't wake up to another one of our own making tomorrow.  

The Devil of Hell's Kitchen

       Once upon a time, there was a blog that changed the world. A blog which enlightened, informed, entertained, and encouraged the masses. A blog which preached equality, and standing up for what's right. A blog that inspired with every word. That blog is not this one. This blog is gonna be about how awesome that fight scene from episode three, season two, of Daredevil was.
       So... spoilers I guess? For one fight scene.

      You all know the one I'm talking about. The one with a hallway, a staircase, a chain, a pistol, and one continuous shot. They hinted that there would be a fight scene that was going to as awesome as last year's hallway fight. They said it might be as good. And by god, they delivered. The scene was five minutes of one continuous shot that moved from a hallway into a stairwell and down those stairs. It was brutal, it was intense, and it was glorious.
      I'm not going to talk about the scene preceding this fight, all you need to know is that Murdock had been chained up, and had a gun duct taped to his hand.
      In this one scene, you got to see just how far Matt Murdock has come as the Devil of Hell's Kitchen. The way he fights is more methodical. He's using the tools he has available. He was more efficient. The scene gave me chills. You, as the viewer, know that Murdock could be killing each and every one of the bikers attacking him, yet he knows exactly how far he can go without killing them, and he never crosses that line. The chain became an extension of his arm, he was wielding it like he had been born with it. Effortlessly whipping it back and forth, knocking guns out of people's hands, pulling people to him.
       The scene finally ends with him standing on the ground floor, surrounded by unconscious bikers, chain still clenched in his fist, as he calmly collects his breath. The fight choreography in this show, guys, seriously. THE CHOREOGRAPHY IN THIS SHOW. It is like nothing else out there. Other shows have tried copying it: Arrow, Agents of SHIELD, and those are just the A's. I'm only on episode 6, due to some internet issues last night, but I am already liking this season more than the first. Which is really saying something considering how good that first season was.

You can catch up with Daredevil on Netflix, and while you're there, check out the other Defender of Hell's Kitchen: Jessica Jones.  

On writing

       To write is to impart pieces of your soul onto the medium. With each word one is giving the opportunity to peer within the writer's mind. With every word, the reader learns more about the writer. With every stylistic choice, a writer displays their morals and their values. Writers, more than most, bare the entirety of their souls. Anyone in the world can read what is written and have intimate knowledge of the writer.
      To be a writer requires a sort of courage, and to be a successful writer it requires self-sacrifice. To be successful one has to bare their entire soul for the world to see. What the world actually sees of this, is up to them and their intuitiveness.
      The prospect of writing is a daunting one. The idea of going full in and exposing your true self to the entirety of existence is intimidating! It should frighten everyone. That is why there are many people who write, yet so few writers. It is easy to pick up a pen and throw some meaningless words down on paper! Words soon to be forgotten, yet words nonetheless! A writer pours themselves into their words. A writer gives themselves completely over to the words, and loses themselves in them. A writer loses much in the pursuit of writing. They can lose their friends, their family, their sanity--but to a writer these are all acceptable losses. And they are temporary losses. During this time of metamorphosis from person to writer the true person is revealed, and as they are revealed, so too are their true friends and family.
       Writing is a process that takes time and dedication. Writing is art, and as all artists know, art takes years and years of practice. Even those naturally gifted in art take years and years to reach their peak. Writers can write for decades before they have a single publication, and even then, that doesn't mean that they are successful, but writers carry on. Through every setback, a writer will get back up and carry on.
       "But how," you cry, "can we know a writer's true voice when it changes from piece to piece?" The same way you know your friend's voice even when he is using a different tone, or speaking to someone else! All the different tones and styles a writer uses are simply showcasing the different voices they use in their day to day lives. A more laid back tone signifies the writer is at ease, and that the topic is casual, while a more serious and collected tone signifies something of import!


       Or, much more likely, the writer is simply bored and had a wish to sound pretentious.